Page 12 of Heavy is the Crown
He wants us! Don’t be an idiot!
But I ignore my dragon, pushing away and forcing space between us.
“Fuck, Shadow. I’m sorry. You don’t understand. I couldn’t get you out yet, I didn’t have what I have now. Had I known how long it would take, I would have done things differently. And that fucking collar made it even harder.” I can see how broken he is, the desperation in those eyes, but I can’t find it in myself to forgive him.
So, against every fiber of my being, I look him dead in the eyes and say, “Leave.”
SIX
The princess of Hell has vanished. She escaped the royal palace the night of her engagement and is someplace in the city.
We would do well to find her and align with that power.
– Fairmore Family Grimoire
Three months after freedom from prison
Drago
“I’m telling you right now, Drago, he won’t survive much longer.” Ciaran’s concern coils under my skin in an uncomfortable way as he talks about my mate. He huffs out a breath and braces his arms against my desk. “He’s going to end up killing himself.”
Everything had gone to shit when trying to get Shadow out. In the end, it had been Ciaran who managed it, not me. It’s why it took so long for me to see him, the shame I felt—the shame I still feel—for failing him is a parasite in me. It's feeding on meevery day, getting bigger and bigger. Someday, it’ll consume me completely.
“You knew who I was, what I was to you, and you fucking left me there! You allowed it all to happen.” Shadow’s voice slices me deep, the force of it almost physically pushing me backward. “I will never forgive you.”
My chest aches as I hear his voice in my head again. It’s been three months since he said those words, since he demanded I leave. I have avoided forcing my way into his life, instead giving him space to heal after that moment. He’s right to be angry with me; as much as he’ll never forgive me, I know I’ll never forgive myself, either. “So, what do you want me to do, Ciaran? He won’t speak to me.”
“So, make him,” Ciaran growls. “I can’t worry about him bleeding out or overdosing while I’m out. I’ve done everything in my power, but I can’t get through.”
I rake my hand down my face, the rings dragging over my skin. “I’ll move him in here.”
But Ciaran shakes his head. “He stays with me, butyouare going to go be with him when I’m not.”
“You want me to babysit?” I growl. Despite the words tasting bitter in my mouth, my dragon prowls below me, angry that we’ve let it get this far.
“No, I want you to take care of your fucking mate, Drago.” My eyes widen a fraction of an inch, barely a tell, but Ciaran smirks. “Yeah, I’m not an idiot. I know who you two are to each other. So, go take care of him.” Ciaran spins around and storms back into the club from my office. The sounds briefly penetrate the room before the door shuts and blocks out the noises again. Ciaran has been on edge lately, and it makes me wonder, not for the first time in our history, what my friend is up to.
I shoot back the amber liquid left in my glass before gathering my shadows around me and stepping into them.Darkness clouds my vision for a moment before I’m stepping into Ciaran and Shadow’s penthouse. The spacious main room is dark, the only thing illuminating it the occasional flashes of lightning over the skyline of Gothic Grove. A perpetual storm presides over the city now that the original families are being killed off. Fucking Alexi Helvig. I have my suspicions as to what his motivations are, but I’ve kept them to myself thus far. It’s Ciaran’s battle, not mine.
Mine is currently somewhere in this penthouse.
Walking through the darkened living room, I follow the slight tug in my chest toward a back bedroom. At the end of the long hallway, the door is shut. Faint sounds of music escape under it, but no light shines from the crack. Something in me is recoiling at the idea of opening the door. A deep, unsettling fear creeps into my bones like poison. When I’m only a few steps away, the scent of blood hits my nostrils and my body locks up. I am simultaneously paralyzed with fear, yet mobilized by the need to see if I am too late.
Shadow
(“I’m OK” – Christina Aguilera)
It’s hard to describe what being a burden feels like to someone who has never felt it. Never had to experience the chest-tightening, heart-crushing feeling that you are failing the people who mean the most to you. It’s a feeling I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy because it’s one that spirals deeper and deeper until eventually, you can’t feel anything but that guilt. The dark feeling takes on a life of its own with claws and teeth that rip you apart, eat you alive. My skin is crawling, and I desperately want to carve a piece out to relieve myself, to punish myself. After all, if I hurt myself, pay the price the guilt demands, I can’t hurt anyone else. Right?
That’s what I tell myself as my hand shakes holding the razor blade.It’s for my own good. I deserve this.Beads of sweat breakout across my forehead. Being high was so much easier. Being alivehurts.I can’t get past the crushing guilt that I’m a burden. That I hurt everyone around me. My anger at my own failures wraps around me like armor, keeping others safer by pushing them away from me. It’s the rattle of a snake's tail to warn people before it strikes.
The first slice beads up and I feel the calm take over. The numbness that's different from drugs but no less powerful. It brings a sense of peace as I watch myself bleed, knowing that I’m giving payment to the guilt that demands such a heavy price. Another slice, and I can pretend that I’ll have this feeling forever.
Another.
And another.
One more.
