Page 37 of Needing More
Tossing and turning the guilt wormed its way from her weighted heart as she slept and into her thoughts during the day, replaying the pleasure she received from Vic's touch over and over again. Visions of Hayden's disappointed face staring at her as he walked in on them both. Sapphire had woken up a few nights with a shudder remembering the Hayden in her dream's disgust as he took in her half-naked body bent over the sink and Vic's fingers buried deep within her. Each night she stared at the dark ceiling for hours hating herself for letting that day happen, for not fighting Vic harder but worse—she hated herself for the part of her that craved his need for her.
Pulling her gaze away from the window in a frown, Sapphire stared back down at the cutting board and chopped the rest of the onion with determination.
Movement from her right brought her attention up and Sapphire turned and smiled. Sitting obediently at the kitchen door where she commanded him to sit earlier was Krrsantan. Getting up from his prone position the big black and brown dog sat up excitedly, obviously wanting some attention.
Sapphire smiled indulgently at the big Rottweiler and grabbed a tiny bit of the diced chicken she had set to the side and walked across the ugly blue kitchen and tossed him the food. With a flash of teeth and a slobbery snap of his mouth, Krrsantan caught the food midair and gave her a happy expression that clearly said he wanted more.
"No, no," she smiled at him before turning around. "You'll get the rest in a few minutes."
Checking on the small pound cake in the oven, Sapphire stirred the mixture of chicken and vegetables simmering on the stove before grabbing a few tortilla shells. She was just browning the other sides of the stuffed burritos when she heard the back door open.
She heard the heavy tread of the boots and said a silent prayer for it not to be a certain Heathen. The tall figure filled in the doorway and her stomach clenched as she realized her prayers went ignored.
Sapphire didn't allow her eyes to meet Vic's as she quickly turned away. Desperately she looked toward the window over the sink. Out by the large barn, where most of the tractors and supplies were stored, she saw Joel and Hayden walk deeper into the barn and further away from the house. Despite Krrsantan's presence and the fact that Ruiz senior was just one floor above did nothing to help the overwhelming feeling of being suddenly isolated with Vic.
Apprehension raced along her nerve endings, making her movements jittery and clumsy as she moved completed burritos to a nearby waiting plate. Expectancy burned in her gut like a betrayal as she felt him walk closer to her. His steps were quieter now as he made his way across the large kitchen.
Her body tensed at his presence directly behind her.
"Have you thought about me?"
How could she not?! The things he did—no—the things shelethim do to her. She should have fought him more, should've done anything but succumb to his touch that day.
Sapphire licked her dry lips, but she couldn't answer.
"I thought about you," the warmth of Vic's breath tickled her neck and she felt his large frame encompassing hers. "Every fucking second of every day since."
"I…" Sapphire shook her head and turned within the small space between him and the stove and faced him. "You can't. Hayd-"
The pain that flashed in his eyes hardened, with anger swallowing it up in a flash of lightning. Ignoring her words, Vic pressed further. "I try to pretend when you're all here that you belong to me, too. That I'm not left out." His hands cupped her shoulders. The light touch was deceiving, she could feel the grip of his long fingers against her exposed skin and knew that there was no escaping the gentle trap of his arms. Lowering his head, he silently demanded her attention as he spoke. "That…you could love me, too."
Tears threatened and stung her widening eyes at his words. Like a fissure cracking through the earth's surface, Sapphire's heart began to crack in two. Everything inside of her. Every cell, every atom of her being wanted to reach for him and pull him into her. The thought of him wanting her—possibly loving her—made her soul fill almost painfully to the brim with happiness.
But no. The intense full feeling inside of her deflated at the sudden image of Hayden's pained expression in her mind. No. It would break him. The full almost replete feeling Vic was offering her was too forbidden, it held too much consequence. As if she were standing in the garden of Eden, Sapphire stared back at Vic and the shining need in his eyes. She wanted to reach out with all her heart. Only the knowledge of the certain calamity it would bring on all four of their lives stopped her.
"Please, Vic. Please don't do this."
The sorrow in his eyes cut them both like a double-bladed sword, impaling them both. With a firm step backward the pain in his eyes shuttered, replaced by something hard and indomitable.
"I can't," he said before turning away just as they heard the sound of the back door opening.
Sapphire turned quickly back to the stove as the two pair of heavy footsteps entered through the back mudroom and into the kitchen. Looking up, she smiled at both Joel and Hayden, hoping they couldn't read the nervous guilt on her face.
Hayden's keen eyes glanced from her and around the kitchen before settling back on her with a warm smile. Turning slightly, Sapphire glanced over her shoulder but the kitchen was empty. Hearing some noise in the connecting dining room, she all but sighed in relief, knowing that was where Vic retreated to.
When they first arrived and Sapphire had done all she could to avoid Vic's searching gaze, she had escaped to the kitchen under the guise of preparing lunch. She hadn't spoken to Vic yet, but she knew from the occasional glances he directed toward the kitchen window that he had been biding his time.
He had been biding his time all week actually, acting as if nothing had happened. Hovering and watching at the edge of her life like a stalking lion. It was as if Vic was pretending this was all normal, that what he did was right and this was their life now.
If only that were the case.
Guilt twisted painfully inside of her at even thinking it. When Sapphire thought about the possibility of him loving her too—it made her chest feel so wonderfully full like a warm meal on a cold winter night. At once her treacherous mind conjured Vic into their lives. It was as easy as slipping in that final puzzle piece—perfect and satisfactory. It was greedy and insane to feel this way. Didn't she have enough with Hayden and Joel? How could she feel this way? But Vic brought something vital to Hayden and Joel's friendship and to her, he brought…
No.
Sapphire shook her head and stomped purposefully to the end of the counter where the washed and skinned chicken sat marinating in a bowl covered in minced garlic, lemon juice, onions, herbs, and spices. Bending down, Sapphire was surprised to see that the cabinets were practically empty. She thought of what Vic had told her and how his dad had bought the house without his wife's approval sight unseen. Grabbing one of the two lone skillets from the cabinet she washed and greased the pan.
Occasionally she heard a thump from above and wondered about the old man that resided in one of the rooms. Joel had told her to ignore it if she heard anything or to come and get them if it was really bad. Honestly, the whole thing made her think of a Stephen King novel with a near death family member locked up in a secret room. Creepy for sure.
