Page 24 of A Love So Wrong
Chapter 8
"Ok, yes," Jade said, nodding as she scribbled the confirmation number the man on the phone was giving her for the shipment into the calendar sitting on her lap. "Ok then, we will be there tomorrow, March eighteenth, around nine."
Tapping the red end button on her phone, she sat it on the large dashboard in front of her seat. For the past two weeks, since they left home, the dashboard had become her dining room table and office. Looking up at the passing scenery, she watched as endless fields of snowy cornfields panned past her window. It was a dreary sight. In the distance, she could see little houses beyond the large red barns and imagined families cozied up in their homes for the winter.
Pain twisted in her chest, curving around her heart like a poisonous vine.
Turning away from the window at that thought, she looked at Gideon in the driver's seat next to her. The sleeves to his gray sweater were rolled up to his elbows showing off his wide, muscular forearms as he drove.
Pulling her gaze away, Jade looked back out the window in front of her as she spoke. "We have the Nebraska Furniture and More store load scheduled for pickup outside of Omaha, and since we will be carrying more than we discussed, they will increase payment to one thousand nine hundred and fifty. Once we drop it off in Madison, Wisconsin, we will then pick up the Herman Paints' load," she explained.
"Good," Gideon nodded, and she could see his eyes take a far-off expression as he mentally calculated gas expenditures for the five hundred miles. "Thanks," he added as she got up and made her way to the back of the cab.
Jade didn't say anything else, she couldn’t. Her chest felt tight and painful, she could barely breathe. Every breath hurt. Putting one hand out on the cabinet to her right, she steadied herself and forced herself to take in a huge gulp of air. The high-pitched ringing in her ear abated after a few more forced breathing exercises. Opening her eyes, she forced herself to move again. She had to keep busy, she firmly reminded herself. If she kept busy, she could push away the reality of everything, and she wouldn't have time for these attacks of crushing anxiety. Or at least that was what she told herself.
Having left her bunk unmade and mussed that morning, she stood next to her and Gideon's parallel bunk beds and fished around on hers until she found her laptop hidden under the thick quilt. Below her bunk, Gideon's was neatly made with all of his personal things either tucked into his cubby holes or safely secured in the netted pockets next to his bed. Jade stared down at the bed for a moment, and she could feel the dark thoughts creep back in as she scanned his tidy bunk. He had always been this way ever since they were kids. At home, his room had always been immaculate and tidy while hers went through random days of chaos before she organized it again.
He should have a room instead of this stupid bunk. Staring down at the dark blue and gray quilt Sandra had made him years ago, Jade felt her eyes water as the feeble barricades of positivity she erected crumbled under the weight of her dire thoughts. Everything they had was gone. Looking around their newhome, she cringed. Despite being a top of the line truck on the market, Jade couldn't stop herself from hating every inch of the cab right now. Their once shining future was gone, and it was replaced with hard vinyl-coated walls, a mini-fridge, a microwave, a small wall-mounted television, and two bunk beds. It was as if all of their dreams had disintegrated right in front of her, and she had been too weak to stop it from happening.
"Hey," Gideon's voice called out upfront, pulling Jade out of her spiraling descent. "You ok? You're just standing there."
She could hear the worry in his voice. Grabbing her laptop, Jade turned around and gathered herself before returning back to the passenger seat with a smile she hoped went to her eyes.
"Yeah," she said breathlessly as she plopped back down in her seat. "I was mentally going over what I could make tonight for dinner, and I think I have everything for lasagna."
Gideon glanced at her, and she could feel those amber eyes reading her. "Yeah, that sounds good to me."
Thankfully, when they were packing and downsizing their lives to fit into the rig, Jade had been smart enough to grab the Instant Pot Sandra had given her for Christmas. With it, Jade had been able to cook homemade meals in the all-in-one machine, keeping their cost down and them both a whole lot healthier.
"I'm going to back up our schedule into our online calendar so you can look at it whenever you want, and then send off my homework while we got signal,” she said, opening the laptop’s screen. “Do you want me to send yours off?" she asked.
"Nope," he answered readily. Grabbing a pair of shades he had stored in the overhead pocket, he slipped them over his squinting eyes. “I already did mine last night while you slept."
Shocked, she turned to him and frowned. How late did he stay up? He needed his sleep, which was vital for this type of job. All the articles she read before they left stated that Over the Road truckers who were not careful usually lacked sleep and ate poorly. That was why she made sure they ate home-cooked meals nearly every night.
"Gideon, you shouldn’t stay up late doing—"
"Don't," he threw her a burning look over the dark rim of his glasses. "Just don't," he repeated evenly, his voice dangerously soft.
Shocked, Jade sat very still in her seat.
Clenching his teeth tight, as if he was swallowing his words and controlling his response, the muscles in Gideon's jaw jumped. "I don't want to hear advice from someone who won’t even talk to me," he ground out. "You think I don't notice your far-off stares and your watery eyes? That’s the fifth time I caught you standing somewhere in a trance, the last time was at the gas station in Coopersville."
Jade could see his knuckles hardening against the steering wheel and swallowed. The unexpected surge of anger filled up the cab, making it feel suddenly much smaller.
"I…" she began, but her words faded on her tongue. She wasn't sure what to say, or if she was even ready to say anything.
Seeing her poor attempt die on her tongue, Gideon's eyes glittering with fury slid away from her and back to the road. "Yeah, well, when you start talking to me, I'll start listening to you, how about that?"
~
Streetlights on the off-ramp illuminated the inside of the silent cab in a dull yellowish glow. Ahead of them, the bright white lights of the truck stop shined in the darkness like a welcome beacon of civilization. Pulling the truck to a stop at the light, he looked to his right. For nearly two nights now, they had hardly said a word to one another. Tired and angry, Gideon pulled the truck through the green light and towards the gas station. He could feel her eyes on him as he pulled it to a stop at an empty pump. Grabbing his wallet, he got out. He could feel her sadness and longing as he stepped out and closed the door, but he denied every urge within him to turn back and comfort her. Not this time, dammit. She needed to take the first step.
Nothing overtly pointed to one particular emotion for Gideon to latch onto and decipher. But ever since they left Stardust Cove, he could feel Jade begin to withdraw into herself further and further with each mile. Pretending to look out the right rearview mirror, far more than what was needed, Gideon had watched her for miles in secret. The tears that had fallen so often in the first week seemed to stop falling down completely, leaving her watery hazel eyes to stare out onto the passing landscapes with a deep silent pensiveness. And the most infuriating thing was if he were to talk to her, she wouldn’t hesitate to respond. But once the topic naturally found its termination, Gideon would lose her all over again to her thoughts. It was driving him to the edge of his fucking sanity.
Tearing off the printed receipt from the pump, he stuffed it in his wallet so he could file it later before grabbing the handlebar outside of his door and pulling himself back up and into the truck. Sitting there as if she hadn't breathed, much less moved, Jade's wide waiting gaze settled back onto him.
"I'm hungry," he announced tersely. "Let's go to the diner."
