Page 53 of Light Up The Night
She's waiting, I realize.
Waiting for me to resume what I was doing before she asked me to stop.
Far be it from me to keep her waiting.
Chapter 9
CADENCE
Anticipation thrums within me, setting my nerves afire and my stomach aflutter.
I have never considered myself an object of desire. Why should I? No man has expressed interest. Well, except Joel, but that hardly counts, does it? My gut twists at the thought of the male who caused me such inexpressible heartache, disappointment, and confusion. I endeavor to set that experience aside. Riley is not Joel. Looking back, there was clear evidence of Joel's true intent at every stage of the process; I was merely blinded to it in my naive excitement to think a boy might like me as a boy likes a girl. Or, well, as one person feels romantic interest toward another, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, because, as Lin-Manuel Miranda once said, "Love is love is love is love is love is love is love, cannot be killed or swept aside."
I have, ever since, kept those indicators of his ulterior motives front of mind when dealing with men, and thus far, Riley has shown none of them.
He has stated his physical attraction to me. This in itself is new. Joel did not do that. His interest was not inme, neither mymind, my body, nor least of all my emotions. His interest was in the cruel entertainment I would provide him and his cronies.
I shudder, and Riley feels it. "What was that?" he asks. "I do something? That didn't seem like an 'I like it’ shudder, especially since I haven’t done anything yet."
I shake my head. "No, it was…I was remembering something."
"Care to share?"
I tense. "I…no. Not at this juncture." But then I consider the situation and opt for honesty—which I would want from him. "In truth, I was…" I trail off, struggling to know how to begin discussing that event.
"You don't have to tell me anything."
"I certainly must. It concerns you, at least indirectly. You see, when I first began at Harvard, I was sixteen. But, obviously, I had never had a boyfriend. As is common, I would imagine, I began university somewhat excited at the possibilities that come with attending a large university in a new place. I hoped, naively, it turns out, that I would meet someone, and …" I shrug. "Experience romantic interest from a boy."
He groans. "I don't like how this is starting out."
His comment requires no response, so I continue my story. "I did meet a boy. Joel. He was in several of my classes. At first, he seemed merely curious about me—not uncommon, since I am rather…unique. But as I answered questions and the nature of my uniqueness became apparent, he began showing what I, again naively, interpreted as interest. He accompanied me from one class to another. Jested with me. Smiled at me. Drew close to me. I have studied people, and I know the signs of flirtation. He demonstrated them with me. The smiles, the seemingly innocent touches. I…I did not react to his touch the way I do yours. I could not bear it when he touched any part of me, but I…Iwantedto.Iwantedhis attention to be genuine, and tried to endure his affections, innocent as they seemed."
Riley growls. "Fuck me, Cadence. This is gonna piss me off, isn't it?"
I shrug. "I do not know how it will make you feel. I certainly did not appreciate the way events unfolded. He invited me to a party. I was underage and did not drink. He…I suppose he intended to use my innocence to get me inebriated and unable to ward off his advances. When I declined his offers of alcohol, he became incensed."
"Fucking fuck. I really hope you left."
"I did not. I was at my first university party, Riley. I thought I was supposed to enjoy it, even though I did not. I felt I was supposed to enjoy Joel's attentions, even though I did not. I wanted to leave. I wish I had left." I gather what courage I have for the telling. "He came to me after perhaps thirty minutes elsewhere and apologized for getting upset. He led me away from the busiest area of the party to a quieter alcove. Even though the thought of him touching me at all left me revolted, I could tell he was preparing to kiss me. At last, I thought to myself. A boy likes me. A boy wants to kiss me." I'm breathing hard, still angry and embarrassed. "In the instant before his lips met mine, he pulled away and began laughing at me. He said…well, I shall not repeat his words. He called me names. Said I was…the R-word. He mocked me for thinking he liked me. As he laughed, a crowd appeared. His friends. They surrounded me and laughed at me and mocked me." I shudder again, fighting the burn behind my eyes. "Darn. I very much dislike speaking of this, but you must know, because I…I think of Joel often, should a male deign to show interest in me. I reviewed our interactions and saw signs that he was not genuine. He often would look behind and smile strangely as we walked together—which I later realized was him sharing the inside joke with his cronies—mockery, me laboring under the delusion that he could like me. It was…it was just sojuvenile, Riley. Childish. The games one would expect in high school, but not at a university. He was young, too, I suppose. Not even eighteen, I believe, but I was only a few weeks past my sixteenth birthday when this occurred. It hurt, Riley. It hurt badly, and I have not forgotten it. So I shuddered because I thought of him. Of his pretend interest."
"Little fucker oughta have his dick kicked up into his throat," Riley mutters, his tone savage. "Teenage boys are fucking cruel little assholes, sometimes."
"I forgave him," I say. "But I have not forgotten."
"Cadence, I know you have no reason to believe me, but—"
I cover his lips with my fingers, which for some reason I cannot fathom seems to cause his brain to short-circuit, not merely silencing him but making him forget what he was saying—or so it seems. "Iknow, Riley. You are not him. I believe you to be genuine."
"Even in high school, when I was my worst self, I would never have done that shit. I'm an asshole in a lot of ways, but I'd like to believe I've never been cruel." He caresses my jawline with a thumb. "I'm so sorry that jackass did that to you, Cadence."
I smile at him. "I appreciate that, Riley." I cannot maintain the smile, however. “I wish I could say time has dimmed the pain of the memory, but it has not. That was the first time anyone showed interest in me in that manner, and until you, it was also the last."
"I can see how you'd avoid guys after that," he says.
I blink. "You can?"
He nods. "Sure. Absolutely. Pain is a damn effective teacher."
