Page 113 of Light Up The Night
"Stupid, is what it was. Bert was five-eight and a buck-thirty soaking wet, nerdy, weak, and soft. And Dad…well, you've met Fee, and obviously you know what I look like. Those genes came from Dad. He was a fuckin' monster. Six-two, two-ten, and even after the accident and the pills and the booze, he was built like a goddamn linebacker. He had this party trick he used to do. He loved walnuts. He'd buy bulk bags of them in the shell, and he'd crack the shells with his bare hands."
“It did not go well for Bert, I imagine," I say.
"No, it certainly did not. Dad hospitalized him. Almost killed him, and that's no exaggeration. Mom had to call 911 and it took four cops to pull Dad off the poor fuck. Bert spent weeks in the hospital and had to have reconstructive surgery on his face and eventually left town. Dad spent two months in jail for aggravated assault and battery. When he got out, he filed for divorce. Started drinking harder than ever." He growls another irritated sigh. "Divorce wasn’t the end of it, either. Mom dragged her heels. Fought over every little thing. Custody, alimony, everything, just to be a bitch. Just to fuck with him. Drew it out for years. She got an apartment in town and we'd spend weekdays with her and weekends with Dad, and they'd talk shit about each other to us. Mom would tell us all sorts of shit about Dad. How small his dick was, that he was nothin' but a drunk and pill junkie and wife-beater. And then we'd get to Dad's house on the weekend and he'd do the same thing. His favorite thing to call Mom was a cheating whore. I never once heard him refer to our mother after that as anything other than ‘the whore,’ or ‘that cheating whore bitch.’ Shit like that. Wasn’t just her, though. All women were all cheating whores. Turned him into a cruel, hateful asshole who belittled any woman he encountered. He'd take us for breakfast on Saturday mornings, and he'd be so mean to the waitress that she'd be crying when we left. Taught Fee and me not to trust women. ‘Don’t trust anyone,’ he’d tell us all the time, ‘but especially not women.’” He sighs. “He'd get drunk and make us promise we'd never fall in love, never marry. Women were nothing but cheating, scheming, faithless, loveless whores and sluts who'd only break our hearts and ruin our lives." He sounds so angry, so bitter. But he's also not done.
"Once Mom finally got sick of dragging out the divorce, she took half of his money, forced him to sell the house we'd grown up in for her half of that, signed over custody to him, and fuckedoff. Never saw her again. Never heard from her again. Thatreallyfucked with Fee and me." He goes quiet, his hands gently roaming my back and shoulders, scratching and smoothing in alternation—so gentle and loving, at odds with his harsh words. "Fuckin' bitch just took off without a word. We got off the bus after school on Monday, went to her apartment…and she was gone. I was bitter about that for a long, long time."
"You still are," I murmur.
"Yeah, probably. I mean, who the fuckdoesthat? What kind of person abandons her boys without a fucking word of goodbye? She justdiscardedus like we were trash." He swallows audibly. "Dad never let up the shit-talking, even after she left. He'd get wasted and just rant and rant and rant about her. About women. About love being a fuckin'…a fuckin' lie. Hard not to absorb that, y'know? I…I can admit now that once I started to get interested in girls, I…I'd internalized Dad's poison. Treated the girls I hooked up with like shit, for the most part. Used 'em, didn't…didn't appreciate them. And then I went to prison, and that sorta…hardened me a bit. Like, after all I'd seen growing up, and then being an ex-con without a high school diploma, the guilt I felt, the shame, pile all that on top of Mom's betrayal of Dad and the shit-talking and then abandoning me? You couldn't have paid me enough to trust a woman. I didn’t lie to you, though—I never lied to them or manipulated them, I just…didn’t trust ‘em.”
"Riley," I whisper. "I…I didn't know."
"Course not," he answers. "How could you?"
"So…what changed?"
He shrugs. “Time, to start with. Last couple of years leading up to Bear's release from prison, I'd started to feel…I dunno, discontent. Restless. The girls I dated—well, dated is a loose term, but you know what I mean—"
"I do not, as a matter of fact," I cut in.
A sigh. "I mean it wasn't dating. I wasn't trying to get close to them, emotionally. It was…sex. And companionship. Someone to talk to once in a while. But I never let them anywhere near my heart. Either I dumped them when they started acting like they wanted more from me emotionally, or they got sick of my emotional unavailability, and they dumped me. It was a cycle. Meet, fuck, fight, move on. I got tired of it. And then Bear happened."
I frown into the morning light. “Bear happened? I do not understand."
"Bear spent a decade in prison for a crime he didn't commit. He was part of my work-release program. Two years, he got early release through the program, and I did what I do—got him a place, a spot on my crew, the usual. But he was different. He met this girl named Noelle and she saw something in him, I guess. Saw beneath the giant exterior, the rough shell of who he thought he was. Saw a good man inside him. Wasn’t hard, because Bearisa good man, even after what he went through. I watched her change him from the inside out. He started to believe in himself. I…"
He chokes again. Shudders.
Starts over. "The way she looked at him, Cadence? The way she touched him. So gentle. With just…so much fucking love, like he was…like was the only human being on the entire planet, like he hung the goddamned moon in the sky. I saw her love him. And I saw him trust her. And she…Noelle, she…shedeservedit. Earned it. Kept it. I saw the truth, finally—that my dad was just this bitter old fucking bastard who filled me with poison because he was so goddamned miserable and refused to do anything about it. I saw whattheyhad, and for the first time in fucking life,Iwanted it."
I lift onto an elbow and gaze down at him. "Riley." It's a whisper. "It must have taken a lot of courage to admit that to yourself."
He huffs. “To be honest, yeah. It wasn't easy to admit how bitter and closed off I'd been. How much time I’d wasted acting like a fuckboy himbo hound dog asshole. Chasing ass that meant nothing. All because my mom was a bitter, angry woman, and my dad was just as bad or worse. They both poisoned me and Fee. But Fee, he figured it out first. How to let go. How to trust. Ember, she opened him up, and I saw that happen. Watched him change. He was…well, his story is his to tell, not mine, but he went through his own shit while I was in prison. Made him as bitter and closed off as I was. He never smiled, never joked, never laughed. He was just this brooding, angry guy with no more interest in love than me. And then Ember came along, and now he's happy. He's full of joy. He's a fucking Dad!"
I lean over him, relishing the way his eyes seem to gravitate to my breasts; I enjoy his gaze on my body, the obvious desire for me in his eyes, the frank appreciation. It makes me feel beautiful. Desired.
I kiss his sternum, trace his rock-hard abs. "And now?" I ask between kisses. "How do you feel, now?"
He tucks my hair behind my ears. "Lucky as fuck." His voice drops, goes husky. "I've never been in love. Never said that word to literally anyone except Felix on a couple of rare occasions.Nevera woman."
This makes my eyes sting, my throat tight and hot. "Truly?"
"Never heard it, either."
My heart skitters, flutters. My belly heats. Desire pools hotter than ever in my core, tightens, pulses. "So, when you told me you loved me…"
His voice shakes. “I was scared outta my mind to say that. Big fuckin' step. But I do. I fucking love you, Cadence. I don't think Icould have loved anyone elsebutyou. You're the only person on the planet who could have reached my heart like you have.”
I shimmy closer to him, crush my breasts to his chest, my core to his thigh, and drape my leg over his. Rake my fingers through his hair. "I did not truly believe any man could ever fall in love with me. But you did. You…you made it safe for me to fall in love with you." Cup his cheek. "You own my heart, Riley Crowe. I love you."
His eyes well, spill over, and I kiss them, taste salt and smile against his cheeks. "Cadie, Jesus, I…fuck." He blinks, but does not hide, this time. "God, I love you."
"Show me," I whisper. "Please."
"You mean…"
I sniffle, touch my forehead to his. Unbutton his jeans, lower the zipper—his manhood bulges into the opening. "Make love with me, Riley? Please?"
