Page 48 of Light Up The Night
"May I tell you a secret, Riley?" she breathes, finally, looking up at me with her chin on my chest. And my god, is she cute when she does that. Sexy-cute, but cute.
"Anything."
"I quite enjoyed it, shocked though I was, when you put your hands on my…" a long hesitation. "My bottom." This is a whisper so quiet I can barely hear it.
"I shouldn't have," I say. "You're a…a church girl. A good girl. Innocent. Sweet and pure and kind and…and everything I'm not, and I put my hands on you like that?" I shake my head. "I just couldn't help myself. I know church girls believe in waiting for marriage, and all that. And honest, Cadence, I'd never, ever want you to think that I…that all I—"
"I am not a church girl, Riley," she interrupts, softly but firmly.
"Then I'm confused."
"I struggle with organized religion. It is a very complex topic for me. My parents are believers, obviously. But when they felt the call to Africa, it was…deeply personal. It was not about a church. And it has never been about a church for me. My faithis a personal thing, Riley. It is aboutfaith, not obligation. I do not speak of it frequently or freely, because I do not see the necessity. I believe my life should illustrate my beliefs. I have rarely attended any church, and I do not see that changing. My fundraising is largely through corporate sponsors from the medical industry who use it for tax purposes, with a few large donations from individuals, like the Crenshaws. It does not come from a church."
"Oh."
"I appreciate your…willingness to respect my beliefs, however."
"So…waiting for marriage…?"
“Is not a belief I ascribe to," she says. "Marriage is a social construct—a human-created ceremony, and a legal status. It is not what defines a relationship. I do believe that the physical expression of love through sexual congress is sacred. I do not believe it is meant to be shared casually or flippantly. This is onlymybelief, however. Others may do as they wish. I just…It is not somethingIwill be able to…do…with just anyone. Do you understand?"
"Yeah," I answer, my heart heavy. "I read you loud and clear."
She peers at me. "I wonder if we are understanding this the same. Somehow, I do not think so."
"Cadence, I…" I know I should let her go. I'll never be the man she wants, the man she deserves. The question is if I'm strong enough to make that clear to her without hurting her. "I'm not a man of faith. I don't know if I believe in God, and if I did, I'd have a fuck-ton of questions for the bastard. Sorry, I just…I don't wanna mislead you, or lead you on. I sure as fuck don't wanna hurt you."
"We shared a kiss, Riley." She pats my chest. "You are under no obligation to me. You have done more for me than anyone ever has, in so many ways. You have shown me such wonderfulkindness, generosity, and compassion. You have taken care of me in ways I have never known before, and it has been eye-opening. But our kiss, it does not bind you to me. I do not expect anything from you. Now, or ever. It was a lovely, beautiful kiss, and I shall treasure it all my days. You need not worry, however, that I shall be waiting for you to…oh, I do not know. Convert for me. Or ask my father for my hand. I am well aware that this is not that, for you."
"Cadence…shit. It wasn't just a kiss, though. I meant that. Truth is, I don't knowwhatthe fuck it was, but it…I…” I pull away entirely, turn around, and cover my face, letting out a sigh. "I don't know what I'm trying to say."
I'm panicking. Hard.
This shit is too damn much, too damn fast—forme. The shit this girl makes me feel is…honestly, fucking outright terrifying.
She opens her mouth to say something, but my phone jangles in my back pocket just then, startling us both.
I slide it from my pocket, pathetically grateful for the out. I glance at the screen before answering. "Yo, bro." I fake a breezy tone I don't feel. "How's married life, Fee?"
"Same as before, but married." He laughs. “Nah, it's great. She's just two seconds from popping, and she can't wait to get this baby outta her belly."
"Yeah, I can't even begin to imagine, man."
"Me either." He pauses. "So, you ditched me at my wedding."
"I just bounced a little early, that's all."
"Heard you didn't even have one drink."
"Wasn’t in the drinking mood."
"Nuptial bliss too real for you?" He quips, needling what he knows is a sore spot for me.
"Fuck off," I groan. "Why are you bothering me right now? I'm busy."
"No, you're not. I just heard from Cole. Ember and I want to meet this hot doctor you've been parading around town, holding hands with and setting up a fundraiser for…without calling me, your brother, or your new sister-in-law."
"Fee," I start.
