Page 43 of Light Up The Night
"How are you so wise, on top of everything else?" he asks.
"I am not wise," I answer. "But in my work, I have the opportunity to speak to many people from all walks of life. I have held the hand of dying men as they confess their many sins, hoping to find absolution before they pass beyond this life. I have heard people express regret for many things major and minor, awful and irrational. No one has ever regretted forgiving someone, so far as I know. But Ihaveheard regrets about living in guilt and shame unnecessarily. Clinging to anger. Clinging to self-loathing, and in so doing wasting one's life and squandering one's joy."
"Jesus, Cadence."
"I think the topic of Jesus is one for another conversation.” I clear my throat. “That was an attempt at humor. I am aware you were cursing."
He huffs a laugh, shaking his head as he regards me with an expression I cannot parse or translate. "My god, Cadence. You're amazing." His wet, reddened, beautifully pale blue eyes search me. "Fuck me, I wish I was good enough for you."
My heart stops beating—or so it seems. "No oneis good enough, Riley;thatis the purpose of grace."
He frowns. "Grace?"
"Another topic for another time," I say, unwilling to be distracted by points theological. "Why do you wish you were good enough for me?"
"Don't you know?"
I shake my head, swallow hard—he is so close, radiating heat and searching me with eyes fraught with emotions I have no frame of reference to understand. I only know that my heart is tripping over itself as it tries to hammer wildly yet skip beats at the same time. I only know that his eyes seem to snare, again and again, upon my lips. My hands rest on his shoulders, and I slide them down to his chest, and I feel his pulse under my right hand, rabbit-rapid, as frantic as mine feels. His hands, so large and so strong, grasp my waist between my hips and my latissimus dorsi muscles.
For a moment, I could almost believe myself to be Elizabeth Bennett, rain-soaked and eager, as Mr. Darcy prepares to kiss her.
Almost.
"Do not tease me so, Riley, I pray you." My voice is so quiet it is more of a breath than speech.
His eyes dance over my features, settling once again on my lips, and an amused smirk stains the corners of his mouth. "Tease you? How'm I teasing you?"
I lick my lips. "I cannot find the words."
"Try. Please? I don't wanna misunderstand the situation."
Bloodrush burns in my cheeks, and my eyes drop from his face, eyelids shuttering closed, pulse faster than the rat-a-tat-tat of a snare drum at a college football game. "The way you are looking at me…I…it makes me think you might wish to…" I squeeze my eyes shut more tightly, shaking my head.
His hands leave my waist—part of me regrets it, and I am startled to realize I not onlytoleratehis touch but…craveit. His palms cradle my cheeks, his touch so gentle it seems he considers me to be as delicate and easily shattered as the finest china.
"Riley," I breathe, daring to peek through slitted eyelids at him; his expression has not changed, and his eyes are fixed on my lips.
"Goddammit," he hisses.
"What is wrong?" I ask, startled by the abrupt intensity of his curse.
"I just can't help myself."
My eyes meet his, then, just for an instant, as his face grows larger, nearer. He tilts his face to one side, and surely I must be dreaming—if so, let me not awaken.
This is a dream I would live in, always.
This moment, one I have dreamed of and wished for and despaired would ever happen…
Shock ripples through me when his lips brush mine, ghostly soft and hesitant. I gasp, and my pulse ramps to an impossible pace and my hands tremble and my breath is stuck, hot, in my throat, as he presses his mouth more firmly against mine. His lips are moist and warm and smooth on mine, and I can scarce believe this is reality.
He is kissing me.
It is over before it begins, however.
He pulls away only far enough to whisper. "I'm sorry."
Crushing disappointment shatters my brief joy. "Oh, Riley, please—please do not apologize. It would break my heart beyond repair if you were to regret my first kiss."
