Page 128 of Light Up The Night
"Caroling?" Her voice is up an entire octave.
I frown. "I, uhhhh…maybe?" I blink, thinking. “Yeah, come to think of it, I think there’s a whole choir thing that happens.”
"I have always wanted to go caroling. We were always in Africa during Christmas growing up, and then I was in college or working or overseas, so I have never gotten to do any of the usual Christmas things.”
An idea forms—a crazy, wild, utterly batshit idea forms. I don't show it on my face, though. I kiss her again. "Get dressed in warm clothes. I'll be showered and changed in a few minutes, and we'll go, yeah?"
She hops up and down, clapping, laughing. "YES! I am so,so,SOexcited!"
It's that easy to make her happy? Jesus, I'm lucky.
I shower in record time, not wanting to make her wait any longer than necessary. I do shoot off one quick text first, though. By the time I'm dressed in flannel-lined jeans, a thermal long-sleeve shirt, and my thick Carhartt jacket, she's ready to go, similarly clad—Noelle and Ember took her to the mall earlier in the week so she could get some better winter clothing.
I'm only a few blocks from downtown, so we cram winter hats on our heads, put on gloves, and walk.
It's after six, and dark, so the glow of downtown Three Rivers at night in Christmas is visible as we approach, a soft, warm sepia staining of the skyline. A gentle snowfall starts as we reach Main Street near the north end of town, the sky filling with small, hard, swirling flakes. The roads are freshly plowed, the sidewalks shoveled and salted. Most businesses are dark and shuttered, but a few are still open. The downtown development authority hires a company every year to drape the entirety of Main Street in white Christmas lights, decking the streetlights with holly and mistletoe.
As Cadence and I make the left turn onto Main Street, I hear Cadence's breath catch. She turns to face me, hands over her mouth, eyes wide. "It is glorious! Just like a Hallmark movie!"
I chuckle. "C'mon, let's head downtown, see what's what."
We stroll slowly, the cold winter air nipping our noses. Her eyes stay wide and awed, full of joy at the lights and the holly and the decorations. Small speakers hidden in the trees lining the sidewalk play traditional Christmas songs, and couples strolltogether, just like us. A ten-foot-high mound of snow in the back of the municipal complex parking lot is swarmed with laughing, squealing children.
We wander to the far end of Main Street, cross, and head up the other way until we reach Benji's Cafe—it's a new place that popped up in the last six months, replacing an overpriced clothing boutique that went under. Benji's is a coffee shop during the day and serves beer and wine in the evenings, offering prepackaged salads and sandwiches and such during the day and limited made-to-order meals later in the day. It also offers free Wi-Fi and community workspaces.
I lead Cadence in and we order some drinks and a snack—light beer and hummus with pretzels, flatbread, carrot sticks, and celery slices.
We sip and eat and talk about nothing in particular.
Eventually, Cadence sets her pint glass down and gives me a look that says she has something to say. "I wanted to thank you, Riley."
I frown, shake my head. "For what?"
"Giving me the space I need, these last few weeks. It's no secret that I've struggled a bit since coming back, and I think if it wasn't for you, I would be in a much worse place, mentally and emotionally." She clears her throat; she's begun dropping the formality and archaic speech patterns with me more and more, but when nervous or upset, falls back into it. "Your love, patience, and support have been invaluable. I am not sure if you are aware, but I have been seeing a therapist via Zoom while you are at work. She has helped me process a lot of what I went through.”
"You mentioned you were planning on it, but I’m glad you're getting that help, baby."
She hesitates. "I am faced with decisions, now, however. What do I want to do next? Where do I belong? I…my parents'home in Chicago has been my home, or at least my home base, my whole life. But I am increasingly dissatisfied with that arrangement.”
My heart pounds. “I…um…what are you…?"
"I love being with you, Riley. But I feel like I am taking advantage of your generosity. I have lived with you for weeks now and contribute nothing."
"I…it's not generosity, Cadie. It's love. It's support. You went through hell, and if you need a few weeks or months to heal and figure out what you want in your life, I am absolutely fucking thrilled to be able to give you the time and space you need. I make more than enough money to take care of us."
She shrugs, shakes her head, eyes on the table instead of me. "I used all my savings to get to Sudan."
“That's okay."
She shakes her head again. "It's not." She sighs. “I feel dumb, I suppose. I went over there knowing it was dangerous, knowing that I would see and experience things that were…difficult. I just…I did not understand the scope of it. And now I feel adrift in my life because of my choices. I am relying on you and that does not sit well."
"You felt called, and you worked your ass off to answer that call, sweetheart. You sacrificed to help people. You should be proud of what you did. And yeah, you're gonna need therapy and such to help you process it all, and that's okay. You're not broken." I lean across the low table between our chairs. "I'm glad you're relying on me. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad I can take care of you. Iwantto. But I also get the need to work, to contribute. So I support whatever you need to do as your next step."
She swallows hard. "I think what I am really asking, Riley, is about us. If…if I am overstaying my welcome in your everyday life. You did not sign up to have me move in one day andnever leave. We did not discuss it. You just…you showed up at the airport and brought me to your home and—" she trails off, sniffling. "I love you, and I know you love me. But is this…are we in a relationship? Am I what you want for your life?" She shakes her head again, tips it back and sniffles. "You bring me on a sweet, romantic, beautiful Christmas date, and this is my response? I am sorry, Riley. You deserve better."
I stand up and offer her my hand. "C'mon. Somethin' I wanna show you."
She takes my hand and lets me pull her to her feet. "Oh—okay."
