Page 123 of Light Up The Night
"I…" I feel rattled. Shaken. Scared. "I've never had sex without one. I couldn't ever handle the idea of…" I shrug, fighting for the right words—trusting her with the absolute truth. "I never wanted to risk a pregnancy. I'm not—I'm not a guy who should be a father. Risk of disease was a distant second for me. I'm not that guy, babe. I've never been that guy. No one in their right mind would pick me for that."
Her eyes shine with tears. "I do."
I convulse at her words, a gutted sob wrenched out of me. "Don't," I whisper, turning away. "Fuck—fuck. You can’t say that shit to me.” I sit on the edge of the bed, facing away from her.
She moves behind me, breasts soft against my back, and her arms slide over my shoulders and cross over my chest, and her cheek is silk against my ear, her words soft whispers. "I do say it to you, Riley Crowe of Three Rivers."
Why am I so gutted by this? I'm fucking wrecked. Crying like a bitch. She wipes at my face. Kisses my tears.
"Stop!” I hiss. "You can't mean that."
"I do. I mean it down to my soul." She wraps herself around me from behind. "I choose you. I choose to love you. I know your secrets, Riley. Do I not?"
"Yes," I breathe.
"Are there any other secrets?"
"No.”
“So I know your secrets. I know your guilt. I know your fears. You fear you are not enough. You fear your own inadequacy. You fear that your parents' toxic relationship ruined you."
"It did."
"Wrong." She presses her mouth to my ear. "Do you love me?"
"Fuckyes," I growl. "I love you so fucking much it scares the shit outta me."
"Will you hit me?"
“Fuckno. I'd murder anyone who hurt you."
"Would you curse at me? Call me names?"
“Never.”
"Would you cheat on me?"
"I'd cut off my own dick first."
She tightens her embrace. "Do you think I would cheat on you? Hit you? Throw things at you?"
"No," I whisper. "Never."
"I love you, Riley. I choose you as you areright now. I love the man that you are—right now. I am not afraid of your past and I am eager to be a part of your future.” She palms my cheek, turns my face to the side so I'm looking at her over my shoulder. Her lips meet mine at an angle. "I am fully cognizant of the risks involved in making love to you without protection. I am not ready for a child at this time in my life, either. I have my own reservations about that, to be honest."
"What reservations?"
"Passing on my autism."
"The world would be a better place if there were more people in it like you," I say.
She exhales shakily. "You truly believe that?"
"Absolutely."
She hugs me so tightly I grunt. "Every time I think I could not possibly love you more, you do something or say something and…somehow, I do."
This melts me. "Ah, god, Cadence. Same."
