Page 70 of Red Queen
“I did. And I couldn’t stop thinking about it. All you did was try to push me away ever since you discovered that I’m Chris’ niece. And just when I’m resigned to the fact, accept that there’s no future for us and this is only sex, you drop this bomb on me.”I raise my voice slightly, gesturing with the paintbrush in my hand.
“I… I don’t know what to say. I didn’t want to end up hurting you,” he says, hanging his head down, looking at the floor.
“And yet, you did. I wanted to get close to you. To try and turn this ‘relationship’ into something. Even a friendship. But you took a step back every single time I tried to pull you closer.” My voice breaks again, feeling the emotions swell up inside me. Fuck, I hate feeling like this.
“I was trying to protect you, Rosa. You saw how messed up I am. You deserve so much better than this.”
“You’re right. That’s one way to see it. There are only six races left of this season, meaning our contract is almost over, and we can just go back to our lives, forgetting about this. But, well, it is what it is, right? We signed up for this.” I shrug, trying to sound indifferent, but I’m failing miserably. He’s making me more and more angry. I’m not sure how long I can go on without snapping.
“We did. I just didn’t plan to fall for you on the way.”
I scoff, a bittersweet chuckle leaving my mouth. “Oh, you fell for me. And instead of acting on your feelings, you try to suppress them and tell me to fuck off and find someone else,” I say, raising my voice once again. How I love talking to men.
“Why are you acting like I’m some heartless fucker? That all this time, you didn’t mean anything to me?” He fights back, grabbing his paintbrush again.
“‘Cause that’s all I see, Mateo! That’s true, while sex was incredible, you never meant to develop feelings, and you’re still pushing me away, hoping that I’ll leave. You’re really selfish, you know that? Giving a shit about my feelings,” I spat, splashing another chunk of paint on him.
“You really think that? I do give a shit about your feelings, that’s why I’m trying to make you see who I really am! You thinkI faked this? Faked how I looked at you, faked how I touched you… You think I was acting all along?”
This argument is getting more and more stupid. We’re not getting anywhere, just dodging words at each other, and that’s just making me even more angry.
“Well, what am I supposed to think, Mateo? I was good when you needed a stress release, but other than that? You only told me you were having nightmares because I was there when you were having one. And drawing? I only knew that because I found your old sketchbook and you felt the need to tell me about it. I know basically nothing about you. And it’s infuriating me.”
“You don’t need to know everything about someone to have feelings for them. But, you see, that’s how messed up I am. That’s why I was pushing you away. You deserve better.” He throws the paintbrush away, the anger from his voice fading. Oh, I’m not done, pendejo.
“You don’t get to tell me who I deserve, Mateo. I know what I want, and it’s you, so man up already and tell me how you feel!” When he doesn’t reply, I push him. I’m not letting this go now. “Answer me, Mateo, for god’s sake. Was this all for show? Or did it really mean something?”
“Of course it meant something, Rosa! Do you really think I was pretending this whole time? That I wasn’t scared for my life when Enzo told me you’re in the hospital? Or that after each and every race, you were the only one I wanted to see?” He lifts his head, anger creeping into his voice again.
“Then why are you so keen on pushing me away, huh? And don’t you dare say that I deserve better, cause that’s the?—”
“Because I love you! Because I fucking love you, Rosalia,” he finally says, his voice breaking. “I’ve never had such strong feelings for someone. And that scares the shit out of me. I do mean it when I say you deserve better, but I really hope you’ll continue to be a stubborn woman and stick beside me, becauseI don’t think I could ever let you go now.” He falls down on his knees in front of me, grabbing my coveralls at my waist, looking up at me with puppy eyes.
My mouth falls open as my brain tries to comprehend his words. So it is real. It has been real. And all this time, he dared to let me think I mean nothing to him other than a good fuck.
“You love me,” I repeat. He nods, now circling his arms around my waist, pulling me even closer. “They did warn me you’ll be a handful, but this is next level.”
I chuckle, falling onto my knees as well, facing him. “That’s all? Don’t you also want to tell me how you feel about me?” he asks, cradling my face in his hands.
I know he wants to hear it, but I think my eyes tell everything.
“You’re infuriating. Annoying, stubborn, hot-headed?—”
“Okay, and any positives? Or are we going to sit here all day and list all the negative stuff about me?” I chuckle, tracing my fingers back and forth on his jawline.
“I’d say you’re pretty good at confessing your love to me.” I inch my face closer, our mouths now millimeters away, our breaths mingling. “I love you too, idiot.”
His eyes soften, his lips turning upward into a genuine smile. And with that, the world stops around us, and he pulls me into a never-ending kiss.
46
ROSA
After we finally caved and confessed our feelings to each other last week, things went back to normal. We seem more natural now in front of cameras, most of the time not even caring that they’re there.
We talk more openly to each other, which helps a lot. It’s clearly a key element of a healthy relationship, so since then, we try to spend more time together, cuddling in bed after a long day, and just talk.
When we told Teo’s mom, she was jumping out of her skin; she was so happy. I guess I made a good first impression when I first bumped into her at the Spanish Grand Prix.
