Page 41 of If You Go
I don’t remember moving. I only remember arms—his—under my knees and behind my shoulders, lifting me like I’m not heavy, like this isn’t. “Go ahead and finish with the story for them,” he tells Alisha as he backs us out of the kitchen, and then we’re in the hall, the cool air a mercy on my face, the noise of the house falling away behind us as he carries me somewhere quieter.
Brenden carries me down the hall like the floor might splinter if my feet touch it. His shoulder is solid under my cheek, his heartbeat steady and human in a way that keeps the world from spinning. The smell of coffee and rain through the open window hits as he steps into the smaller sitting room off the terrace, a song playing through the window. I would recognize it anywhere because it’s been my theme for so many years now.You Should Be Sadby Halsey, her words hitting every single feeling I have had since that night in the hospital.
When we sit down, it’s quieter than when we were next to the window—dim light, soft leather, the hum of distant conversation fading behind us. I let the lyrics sink into me for a moment.
Oh I feel so sorry I feel so sad…I had no warning about who you are. I’m just glad I made it out without breaking down and then ran so fucking far. You would never touch me again. I’m so glad I never, ever, had a baby with you…
He doesn’t say anything. Just lowers me onto the couch, sits beside me, and waits. His hand stays on my knee—warm, unmoving. He has this way of making silence feel like permission, not pressure.
I stare at my hands. At the faint scar on my ring finger that’s never gone away. “It’s pathetic,” I whisper. “How much it still feels like he owns parts of me.”
Brenden shakes his head. “He owns nothing.”
I laugh, sharp and wrong. “He took everything. You can’t undo that.”
He doesn’t flinch. “Then we’ll build new things.”
The quiet stretches. The tea’s gone cold in my hand. I keep talking because if I stop, I’ll break.
“When the doctor said I could ‘try again,’ I knew what that meant. I knew what he’d do. But you can’t imagine what fear makes you agree to until it’s standing in front of you.”
My voice thins to a thread. “He wanted a son. Another chance to prove he was worth the bloodline. He said if I failed again, there wouldn’t be a next time.”
Brenden’s fingers tighten slightly on my knee—just enough to sayI’m here.
“I hadn’t taken a test yet, so I didn’t know. It had been over a month since the doctor said I could try again. But I was pregnant. The sixth time. Early, but it was there.”
Brenden’s thumb was rubbing along my knee, his face looking pained. But not in ashe was knocked up by another manpain. But more of a fear of what I was going to say next. And he was right to be afraid.
“I have had enough of you, you fucking cunt. You won’t give me an heir, so I am done playing games and waiting on you.”
“No—please, Gavin, don’t say that. I’m trying, I swear I am. I can go back to the doctor, I’ll do whatever they say. Just… don’t leave me.” The words spill out before I can stop them, fear flooding me, because I know when he says he’s done, it never ends well. “No, you stupid bitch. I am not giving you up. How do you think I will take over the entire Western region if I don’t stay married to you? Your father will never give it to me if you aren’t my wife.” I am in shock, completely appalled by what he is saying to me. He never really loved me, did he?
“Instead, I am going to have you filled with cock all day and night to ensure that you don’t forget your most important job.”
The memories flooding back from that night into my mind.
“He said he was done waiting, and if I couldn’t hold his heir, he would make sure that–he would make sure that I at least heldanheir.”
Brenden’s eyes darken, his face morphing into something more than angry. I look down once again and kept talking. Getting it out before I can’t any more.
“I’m not sure how many of them there were. I think I stopped counting around twenty men. Back to back. They raped me on the floor, lying my face on the couch, my knees on the floor. I couldn't breathe. I had carpet burn for months afterwards everywhere. They tore me inside so badly I needed reconstruction surgery later on.”
I pause, catching my breath, sipping my cold tea, trying to gain strength from the dregs.
I take a deep gulp of air and continue, feeling as though I can’t catch my breath, the words coming out higher with tears accompanying them. “They kept pushing my face into the couch cushions.”
I stop talking for a moment, catching my breath and wiping my tears.
“Finally, mercifully, these two random women walked into the house. They screamed and left, and I was then moved to my room and locked in.”
“They gang raped you? He let his men fucking rape you? What does that accomplish for him?” Brenden’s eyes are wild, his face still in something more than anger, he can’t comprehend. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn’t about getting an heir. Not that night at least. It was about control. I shake my head instead of replying to him, and continue the story, building up my nerve for this last part of the horror movie of a life.
“Next thing I know, I hear sirens, then a scuffle outside. I was locked inside, so I couldn’t go find out. But then I heard thepolice calling for me and I started to pound on the door, knowing this was it. It was my chance to escape. I was bleeding. God–I was bleeding so badly. Officer Martin. I’ll never forget him. He knew exactly what I needed, and couldn’t handle. He was a blessing that night. They called an ambulance and took me to the hospital, where my mom, Selene, and Alisha met me.”
The words scrape coming out. “I had passed out, and something went wrong. I was bleeding too much. They said they had to—” I stop. Can’t say it. My throat closes. The memory is all metal and antiseptic and the smell of burned fabric. I can still hear and smell it now.
I press a fist against my mouth, shaking. He moves closer but doesn’t pull me in; he lets me choose. I lean into him anyway.
