Page 71 of Brew
Guilt.
Worry.
Frustration.
Questioning my integrity.
All of those things play over and over. I’m a good Christian woman, and I had sex out of wedlock. Still… do I feelthatbad about it?
I roll over, the panic in me surging, even though I know I gave up most of those preconceived notions years ago. It’s been a long time since we fled the compound, and since I lived under rules I thought were good for me. Rules I believed would make me a better wife. Where did that get me exactly?
Now I can still feel Brew all over my body. Where he’s been, how he touched me, how he felt. The way he possessed my body,and I dropped on my knees for him. My cheeks heat. We weren’t even in the privacy of a bedroom!
I admit, I got home and prayed.
I take some calming breaths, trying not to freak out.
I’m a grown woman,I keep telling myself,it’s okay to do this.Except, no matter my beliefs, it still feels like a sin. Like I should be married, and even then, going down on a man isn’t allowed. Him going down on me? Oh my, that was an experience I’ll never forget. It wasn’t just the physical connection; it was the emotional one. The one where I get to see a new side of Brew and question if we really could build something.
For me, this isn’t just about sex, but how do I know what it is he wants? And you don’t just outright ask things like that these days. We haven’t even gone out on a date, and we’ve had sex. I wait for the shame to follow, but oddly, it doesn’t. I might feel like I need to repent and pray for my sins to be forgiven, but my body still aches for him. I’m not going to deny it.
It’s 2am when my phone buzzes.
My heart jumps when I see it’s him.
Brew
You sleeping?
I contemplate if I should reply, but he knows I’ve read the text.
Me
If I was, I’m awake now
Brew
Your mind keeping you up, too?
How does he know so much about me? But it’s not exactly that I focus on, it’s thetoopart. So he’s awake as well, thinking too much.
Me
Good guess
Brew
Not a guess, I know how your mind works
Me
I sincerely hope not after what we did
My phone rings, and I jump. I take a beat, then answer.
“I thought it was mandatory to not call after sex?” I try to make a joke: I do that when I’m stalling.
“Not true, clearly.”
