Page 53 of Saint
His position shocks me more than I ever thought possible, and it’s wrong. I don’t like him there. “Get up, Saint. You don’t belong there.”
“Not until you look at me.” His tone is gruffer now, not impatient, not even demanding, but I don’t know, it’s…it’s—real. That’s the word for it, and I can’t stop from lifting my head and looking at him. His eyes look so sad, they glisten with raw emotion. His jaw is hard, like he’s clenching his teeth, his hands are fists. Is he holding himself back from touching me? “Thank you.”
I roll my eyes. “Stand up, Saint, you don’t belong down there.”
He rises effortlessly in front of me, standing much closer than I expected. It’s hard not to take a step back, because at this moment, we have no dynamic. Even though we should always be equal, I think I let myself be lesser because he’s the Dom. That I’m not as important as he is because I’m a sub. Now I know I’ve been wrong.
“Can we talk? Away from here?”
I give Knox an infinitesimal glance, and he nods. I trust him, and he’s become a good friend. I’m closer to him than any of the other brothers. “Okay, can we go to my place? I mean, we can go to mine.” Knox gives me a little thumbs up, and I feel the weight of the last weeks fall away. “I need to go and get my stuff from the locker room. I’ll meet you at my flat.”
Saint looks surprised, then confused. “Don’t you want to come with me? I’ve got my truck.”
I’m not sure I want to be so close in a small space, but this is Saint, and I love him. He looks as shit as I feel. “Okay, if you don’t mind.” I give him a small smile and leave to get my bag and jacket.
Knox follows me. “I didn’t know he was here. I promise this wasn’t a set up. I think this is good. I know you both want the same thing, but are you okay going with him?”
“Yeah, I don’t think he’s going to start anything on the drive back. It’s time to talk this through, but I’m hopeful. I think that’s the right way to look at it.” I unlock my locker and grab my gear.
“You’ll get there, Noah. He loves you, but he doesn’t know what that means or how to do it healthily. You’re gonna need to show him.”
I give him a hug and head back out to the main room. Saint is standing, arms crossed, scowling at something. When I follow his line of sight, I let out a sigh. I do not need fucking Tate watching us. He’s always around at the club, and I know that shouldn’t be a surprise since he’s a member too. He’s never with anyone, no Dom, not even Roman, but he watches me. Saint doesn’t think I notice, but I can feel his eyes on me wherever I am.
“Shall we go?” I want to kiss him or wrap my arms around Saint’s waist to prove a point to Tate. I’m not going to play these games with Saint. He doesn’t deserve it, and he’ll see right through me.
“Yes.” That’s all he says as he stops looking at Tate and down at me.
Is it wrong for me to turn up at the gym just as I know Noah is finishing his classes? Maybe, but I’m beyond caring. I’ve had enough of an empty bed, of missing the company and companionship I built with Noah. I know it’s up to me make the first move. I’m just crap at showing my true feelings for him. I don’t know how to prove to him that I’m sorry, that I fucked up that night, not just in the restaurant but with his feelings when we got back to my flat.
I can’t believe that I got it all wrong. That I didn’t see the signs of his distress, of him distancing himself in the truck on the way home. I am angry he didn’t tell me what the dinner out was for, that he didn’t stop me from changing our seats. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that I let him down. I let myself down too.
As I get closer to the office, I can hear Knox talking to someone, then I hear Noah. He’s talking, I should probably announce my arrival, but instead, I listen because he’s talking about us, about me. With his friendship with Knox, he’s probably more comfortable telling him the truth about us. The words burn through my ribcage to heart.
“I don’t want to lose him, but I can’t force him to love me without all the paraphernalia that goes with his desiresand needs. I love him, but I can’t only have scenes. I want the handholding in the street. The fun shit, laughing in bed, cooking food together, talking about our pasts as well as what we want for the future. In my head, it’s not bound to a cross or spread on a spanking bench. I feel like I can’t ever be the one to instigate sex, that he’ll never relax enough to let me love him.”
I want all that, too, but my lifestyle has been all I’ve had for over twelve years. I’m going to have to let him teach me how to relax, to enjoy him without it all being sexually motivated. I reach the doorway just as Noah finishes talking. Knox sees me, then Noah must’ve noticed Knox’s expression, because he stiffens.
He shakes his head when I say his name, not wanting to speak or even look at me. Impulsively, I step in front of him and drop to my knees. “Noah, look at me, please.”
“Get up, Saint. You don’t belong there.”
“Not until you look at me.”
He looks down, his face a picture of sadness.
“Can we talk? Away from here?”
He agrees, but at his place. I’m fine with that. As long as we talk, it can be on the back seat of a packed-out bus. As I wait outside of the office while he goes to get his gear from the locker, my eyes land on Tate. He’s poised, hand on his jutted-out hip as talks to Gavin. He’s one of the club’s masters and more than aware of the pretty sub flirting with him. He also knows that Tate is a mischief-maker, so he’s up to something tonight—that look on his face is proof enough. The way he’s furtively looking around the room, he’s looking for someone or he’s checking to see how many are looking at him. It’s not until Noah comes out of the locker room that I get my answer. His eyes narrow, and his lips thin as he watches my boy walk out. Noah doesn’t noticehim watching, especially when Tate’s gaze shifts to me. My Dom swells as I cross my arms over my chest, making him flinch and look back at Gavin, who obviously hasn’t missed any of the silly sub’s antics. He nods at me as Noah reaches me. I want to clasp his hand in mine, but that would be showing Tate I’m with Noah rather than the right thing to do for us.
We get to the truck without speaking. Automatically, I start to help him up into the seat, but he tenses as I reach for him. This is going to be the last time he rebuffs me. We will be back together again by the end of this evening.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that,” he says quietly and hoists himself up and gets settled in the leather seat. “How are you?” he asks as I sit next to him and start the engine.
“It’s not been the best few weeks, but I’m doing okay,” I tell him honestly.
“Yeah, it’s been tough.” His voice drifts away as he turns to look out of the window. The way he’s twisting his fingers gives away his anxiety. I don’t want to see him nervous, and I know I’m going to give into every one of his terms because I don’t want to live another minute without him.
It’s typical that today is the day there is nowhere to park near his flat. After circling the block twice, Noah sighs. “We may as well go to yours. At least we’re guaranteed a parking spot.”
