Page 16 of Santa’s Little Faker
I was all done with apps…all done with emails and messages and weird-looking penises.
Some people didn’t know their penis wasn’t pretty but it wasn’t my job to tell them that. I was nice and I had good manners.
I really hoped Daddy Bastian had a nice penis, but I’d like him even if it was bent and an angry, weird color like an ogre penis.
“I think that’s a good idea.” Daddy Bastian got a frowny face. “You might not like the people you meet on there.”
Like Daddy Bastian?
He was on there but he wasn’t with his real name. He had a fake name but his pic showed his couch in the back. I was smart. I found him and giggled. But I didn’t tell him.
“They have weird penises and are nosy.” Daddy Bastian coughed like he had abigfrog in his throat. “If I want nosy, I’ll call my mother. She’s nosy.” It was kind of helpful sometimes. She always knew everything. “She tells everyone stuff that I don’t want to talk about. I tell her and she tells them. It’s what she does.”
Daddy Bastian pretended not to laugh for a few more seconds before he let out a big sigh. “Yes, you’ve got plenty of nosy people already in your life and you don’t need to see weird penises. I’m sorry people sent you pictures like that.”
I shrugged. “That’s just what men do. Men send you penises and women send you weird questions like…if you were a book what kind of book would you be.”
That was a hard one.
“If you tell them you’re a cute book they think you’re weird. If you tell them you’re a dirty book they think you’re weird. If you tell them you’re a smart book that talks about history they think you’re weirdandboring. I haven’t figured out the right answer to that question yet.”
Women were a lot of work.
That’s why I was going to get a Daddy and have him be the caretaker one because Terrence said littles got to be hard work.
“Are you sure there’s a right answer?” Daddy Bastian asked a good question.
“No.” I’d given up and stopped talking to the girls who asked hard questions. “But there has to be, right?”
Turning my trucks around, I zoomed back the other direction as Daddy Bastian frowned again. “I think they might be asking you stupid questions to see how you respond when they tell you that you’re wrong.”
People were hard.
Girls were hard.
Boys were hard.
That was why I was going to get myself a Daddy so I didn’t have to date people anymore.
“I’m not wrong. Sometimes I’m a dirty book and sometimes I’m a cute book. Sometimes I’m a fun book. Sometimes I’m a thinking book.” I had a lot of books in me. “Terrence would say I’m right. I know it.”
“He sounds very smart and I think you’re right too.” Daddy Bastian nodded but he was looking like his tummy hurt and he was trying to hide it. “How…how about we go play with yourtrucks in the living room? You need more space to race them and I’ll make you a snack if you’re hungry.”
“I didn’t make lunch. I forgot.” It was hard to remember. “My tummy’s talking now.”
It got loud but that was okay because it was a good helper.
“Then you can race your trucks and I’ll make us some lunch.” Daddy Bastian straightened and looked happier. He didn’t like not having Daddy stuff to do. Enzo liked having Daddy stuff to do too.
“I like racing.” I liked food too. “Can I have nuggets or a peanut butter sandwich? Those aren’t grown-up stuff, so I hide them, but you don’t care about that, right?”
He was a Daddy, so he couldn’t care about it.
Ha.
He shook his head. “No, I don’t care about that kind of stuff. Who cares?”
“Everybody.” I rolled my eyes making Daddy Bastian laugh. “Enzo says eat more salads. My mother says don’t eat junk. My father says nuggets are for kids.”
