Page 37 of The Hookup
“I saw a snake, and both of your goats had a heart attack when I screamed. I’m so sorry, Ryder. I think they’re dead!”
He looked around, and then, unbelievably, he ran after the snake and actuallypicked it up with his bare hand. As I recoiled in horror, he asked, “You mean this snake?”
“Yes. Put it down before it bites you!” Ryder bit his bottom lip to keep from laughing, and I blurted, “What’s funny? You’re about to be killed by snake venom, and your goats are dead, and?—”
Just then, one of the goats started to twitch a little. Ryder looked far too amused as he explained, “They’re fine. They’re called fainting goats, and that’s what happens when they get startled.”
I muttered, “What the ever-loving fuck?”
“And this guy is perfectly harmless,” he continued, holding up the serpent as he asked, “You’re not really afraid of a tiny garter snake, are you? He’s barely a foot long, and skinnier than my little finger.”
“It’s asnake. Of course I’m scared of it.”
“Look how cute he is, though.”
He took a step toward me, and I took a step back. “How is that cute? It’s like a slimy little death tube with fangs.”
“Snakes aren’t slimy. They actually feel really smooth. Why don’t you touch it and see for yourself?”
The thing had loosely wrapped itself around Ryder’s hand, and it was staring at me with its beady black eyes. “Why would I touch that thing?”
“Because it’s a new experience, and a learning opportunity.”
I glanced at Ryder before returning my gaze to the snake. “Okay. But if you lunge at me or pretend to throw it at me, I’ll never forgive you.”
“I won’t. I promise. Touch his back, not his head. He’s not venomous, but all wild animals can bite. That’s why I’m holding him like this.” He was gently gripping it right behind its head.
I hesitated before approaching Ryder and the snake, and again before running my fingertip down an inch of its back. “You’re right, it’s not slimy at all. And I actually like the pattern on it. I’ve seen snakeskin-patterned fabric before, but this is a lot prettier.” A tan stripe ran down its length, and its glossy dark body was accented with symmetrical, cream-colored markings.
“He must have just shed his skin. That’s why his colors are so vibrant.” He walked over to the base of the big oak tree and gently put the skinny little creature on the ground. The moment he let go of it, the snake darted off with a quick back-and-forth motion.
I pulled a travel-sized bottle of hand sanitizer out of my pocket and grabbed Ryder’s hand, squirting some into his palm before taking some for myself. “That’s a good idea whenever you handle a reptile,” he said, “but why did you have it in your pocket?”
“Because I figured at some point I’d be touching some type of animal or another. I didn’t have snakes on my bingo card, though.”
He nodded, even though he probably thought I was ridiculous. “There are a few venomous species around here, just so you know,” he said, “so don’t do what I just did if you see another snake.”
“Oh believe me, there’s not a chance in hell of me doing that.”
He kissed my forehead and started to return to the paddock. “I still need to finish up with Barbie, so I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
I stayed right where I was. After a moment, he glanced over his shoulder and called, “What are you doing?”
“Watching you walk away. You look smoking hot in those jeans, cowboy.”
He chuckled at that. When he disappeared around the corner of the stable, I turned back toward the cheerful yellow farmhouse. My animal entourage had retreated a few feet when I yelled, but I was still a shiny new toy as far as they were concerned, so they all fell into step with me again.
This included the pair of faker goats, who were back on their feet and seemed perfectly fine. I shot one of them a look and said, “Drama queen. You scared me half to death when I thought I’d killed you.” Was it my imagination, or did it look smug?
The entire ensemble accompanied me onto the front porch, which presented me with a bit of a challenge. The dogs were allowed inside, but Jeff and the rest of the barnyard animals definitely weren’t. How was I going to make it through the door without the entire flock, or herd, or whatever coming in, too?
I attempted standing with my back to the door, opening it a crack, and trying to slip inside, but Jeff lunged forward, as if he had every intention of pushing his way in. I quickly pulled the door shut again and frowned at the donkey as I muttered, “You’re not making this easy, Jeff.”
For a few moments, I considered taking a seat and waiting for Ryder. The front porch was very inviting, with white wickerchairs, a few potted plants, and some sort of swinging couch thing at one end. I really wanted some coffee though, so I looked around for a solution.
Then I noticed one of the large front windows was open a few inches. It had a screen over it, but I was able to pop it out easily. I put it behind one of the chairs to keep it from getting damaged, and then I slid the window open further and started to climb inside.
That would have been easy enough, except that there was a little table with a lamp and some sports magazines on it, right inside the window. I carefully maneuvered around all of that, because I wasn’t sure if the table would support my weight. I was feeling pretty good about myself as I dropped onto the floor and did a forward roll, landing on my feet. That was a Cirque du Soleil-level move if ever there was one.
