Page 41 of To Feel Like This Again
In the first few months of our relationship, Emily and I travel back and forth, seeing each other monthly, because of course I am not going to be making love over WhatsApp or however it is people with iPhones communicate. Travelling is expensive, so her eleven-million-dollar-per annum-earning guardian, Lisa, commits to pay for our trips and we accept her offer, even though internally I oppose it.
Lisa’s offer did not come with conditions. But, once a month, I also meet up with her.
I wonder, daily, hourly, every minute, how I went from never wanting to fall in love again… and incapable of opening up to another woman… to this.
Lisa was supposed to be a fling, just like every other chick I got involved with after I lost Samantha. No strings attached. The only exception being, she was at the summit of the bucket list of flings… a beautiful CEO at one of the largest companies in the world. The experience was meant to be a once-in-a-lifetime affair. A fantasy.
Emily hit me differently from the start. Technically, while this was not love-at-first sight, as we were Instagram friends before meeting — those rom coms might be on to something — Ihad fallen hard for her from the moment I laid eyes on her. She was unlike any other girl I’d met since Samantha.
I was in a very weird space. It was maddening.
Chapter 26
Lisa
Two weeks ago, minutes after having amazing sex, I had gone into the walk-in shower to cry under the disguise of freshening up. After letting the water run for a few minutes, I turned off the faucet and wrapped the pristine white towel around me, tucking the ends in to hold it in place.
Looking into the mirror, I made a promise right there and then that this would be the last time.What kind of person am I? How could I do this to Emily? How could I do this to Mary?
For so long, I’ve wanted nothing more than to see Emily turn around her life and find a good life partner. She got back into the corporate space on her own accord, landing the Deputy CIO role at Predict. When she told me she was interviewing at the company, I had made a call to the CEO without her knowing. With her game-changing approach, she had been swiftly promoted to CIO (which had absolutely nothing to do with me). She became super active in the gym, shedding the extra weight she had gained during her depression. She was up and about with her friends again and had made new friends at work.
She wasfinallyin a good space, and beyond a shadow of doubt had come off the substances that had threatened to destroy her completely.
Her progress made me happy. I had prayed for her full recovery. And to complete her life, she had finally met a good guy, someone she could start a family with, something she spoke about constantly while in rehab.
And here I am, willing to take that away from her.What kind of person am I?
This has to stop.
As I wiped away my tears, he had walked into the bathroom, coming up behind me and kissing my neck while loosening the towel. He was gentle that day… stroking me tenderly because somehow, he knew that was what my body needed at that moment.
He did this to me.
Alex is all I ever knew.
After Alex’s smooth approach in the library that night, I thought I was in for an exciting time. I was so naïve.
“Hey, can we go to the club tonight with my friends?” I remember asking him the weekend after we first had sex, thinking we were a fun couple.Silly me. What was I thinking?
“Sweetie, I’m exhausted. Let’s get a six pack and chill in the apartment. We can go out next time.” His signature response whenever I asked to go out.
Over the years, things did not change. It was always, “Let’s do it some other time” or some variation of that… and that “other time” would never come. And I had accepted it.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve longed to be desired, tofeeldesirable, I’ve longed to go on romantic dates, I’ve longed to go dancing, I’ve longed to travel to new places with a partner, I’ve longed to have fun, I’ve longed to cry in his arms when things become unbearable at work or in my personal life… and I’ve waited on him for decades, hoping one day he would change. And I’m still waiting.
The entire time we’ve been married, I’ve remained faithful and committed to him. There had been no one else. I’ve turned down so many tempting offers over the years, especially before becoming a senior manager.
Then, I met Nicholas… and he fulfilled all my suppressed fantasies. He exposed me to what I’ve been wanting all these years and more. He made me feel alive.
As the CEO, I’m accustomed to making difficult decisions. In the corporate world, I’m known to be decisive. This time, I don’t know what to do. I had made a promise to myself that I was done, and then seconds later had accepted his tender strokes which then led to other things.
“I can’t help myself when I’m around you.” He kisses my cheek, forcing me back to the present as I pull up to the entrance of the hotel, one of the seven hotels. Earlier today, we had torrid sex all over the hotel room. And I loved every minute of it. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I knocked on the door of Room 107 and he let me in. He had asked, “How was your week?” and I told him “Very stressful. I hope you plan to make me unwind,” poking his chest with my index finger, “You got that?”
The guests in Rooms 106 and 108 will make a formal complaint about the noise if we keep this up. Damn, we may have to add another hotel to the pool. The thought making me realize that I was already looking forward to our next meeting and making a mockery of my hollow promise that ‘this has to stop’.
After the hot passionate sex, he had felt for a burger and fries. At this age, not my preferred choice of food as my metabolism is not what it once was, but after his five-star performance, I had driven all the way across town to get the best burger in NYC, according to my niece.
On the drive back to the hotel, I begin to reflect, thinking again about what I’m doing to my best friend’s daughter. And, Nick, sensing that I am distant, knows exactly what to do.
