Page 92 of I Married Kayog
My husband helped me up and led me out of the doctor’s office, his arm protectively wrapped around my shoulders.
As soon as we entered our apartment, and Kayog closed the door behind us, I turned around to face him.
“Do not close yourself off to me,” I said in a pleading tone.
He flinched, and that look of despair I hadn’t seen since our early days on the campus flitted over his face before being quickly hidden.
“You don’t need to feel my pain and shame on top of your own grief,” he said in a dejected tone.
I stiffened and stared at him in disbelief. “Why shame?” I demanded. “You did nothing wrong!”
Kayog huffed and marched past me into the living area to stand in front of the giant floor to ceiling window overlooking the breathtaking landscape outside.
“Everything about me is wrong,” he hissed with self-loathing. “I can’t even be a proper mate to you.”
“What the fuck kind of nonsense is this?!” I exclaimed before hastening to his side. I grabbed his upper arm and forced him to turn around to look at me. “You being a good mate does notequal being a sperm donor! There are tons of people out there who cannot have kids or have multiple failed pregnancies. That doesn’t make them lesser people. That doesn’t make them bad partners. You are not lesser or a failure.”
He tried to turn away from me, but I tightened my grip on his arm and grabbed the second one to force him to stay in front of me.
“Kayog, look at me,” I commanded. “As much as I wish we had known from the start the potential risk of a pregnancy, right now I only want to focus on the fact that our baby is fine. Who knows what the future holds? Maybe everything will work out just fine.”
“But what if it doesn’t?” he challenged, the pain in his voice and in his eyes tearing me apart.
“Then that will be Fate’s will,” I said in a factual manner.
His shoulders slouched, and he stared at the floor with a lost expression that clawed at my heart.
“Do you want me to abort?” I asked in a soft voice.
He jerked his head up to look at me, his gaze intense even as he tried to hide the shock my words stirred within him.
“Is that what you want?” he asked, his voice tense.
“I asked you a question first,” I countered in a gently reproving tone.
“It’s notmydecision to make, my love,” Kayog said in a voice full of sorrow. “I’m not trying to shirk any responsibility in this. But it isyourbody.”
“Carryingourchild,” I countered. “You have a say in this.”
“It still remainsyourbody, and it should therefore beyourchoice,” he insisted. “The connection you will share isn’t something that I will. You will bear it all and experience something that I cannot even begin to imagine. Therefore, I cannot impose any of this on you.”
I nodded slowly. “But if it was your decision to make, what would it be? And please give me an honest answer, Kayog. We’ve always been truthful with each other, and that should never change, especially in times of crisis. Please open to me as I am open to you,” I begged.
He hesitated, visibly torn by conflicting emotions, although sadness dominated on his features.
“If his assertion that this pregnancy will not cause you any harm is accurate, and if the baby will truly not feel any pain, then yes, I would want to keep it,” Kayog said at last, the sorrow he felt audible in his voice. “But this should only be ifyoureallywantthis, and not because you feel obligated in any way.”
He took my face between both hands, the love in his eyes dominating the deep chagrin he couldn’t hide. My husband locked gazes with me, and a sense of peace settled over me.
“I truly mean it, my love. Whatever your decision, I will stand by you and will not harbor any resentment. My heart is broken, which is the only reason why I’m closing myself off. It’s not out of any ill will or twisted sense of shame. I just don’t want to add to your burden.”
“Don’t, Kayog,” I said in a soft voice. “We’re soulmates, together through the good and bad. Like you, I want to keep our baby so long as it doesn’t feel any pain. We don’t know that it won’t make it. But whatever Fate decides, we will face it side by side. We fought to save you and achieved the impossible. We will fight to save our baby as well.”
A powerful emotion crossed his handsome face. He drew me into his embrace, and I melted against him.
“I love you, Linsea,” he whispered in a choked voice. “I love you with everything that I am, now and always.”
As he closed his wings around me, he opened wide the walls that had kept me out. The depth of his sorrow struck me hard. But I didn’t push it away. I allowed it in but focused on the otheremotions that needed to be nurtured. Lurking beneath the pain, infinite love, hope, and gratitude attempted to pierce through. I latched onto them and fueled them with my own.
