Page 59 of Pregnant in Plaid
"I know that."
"Do you? Because you look terrified."
I pick up the doll. It's surprisingly heavy and floppy in all the wrong ways. "How do I?—"
"First, lay the baby down," Derek instructs. "On a flat surface. Not face-first."
"I wasn't going to?—"
"Just making sure." He hands me the diaper. "Now, unfold it. Sticky tabs go in the back."
I unfold the diaper. It's more complicated than it looks. "There are multiple layers."
"Yes. That's to contain the horror." Derek watches me. "Now slide it under the baby's butt."
I try. The doll's legs don't cooperate. "It's not working."
"You have to lift the legs," Gage says, trying not to laugh.
"I am lifting the legs."
"Higher."
I lift higher. The doll's legs splay out at weird angles. "This feels wrong."
"It's supposed to feel wrong," Derek says. "Everything about babies feels wrong at first.Keep going."
I manage to get the diaper under the doll. Sort of. It's crooked and half-folded, but it's there.
"Now bring the front up," Derek says.
I pull the front of the diaper up. It immediately falls to the side.
"You have to hold it," Marcus says.
"With what hands? I'm already using both hands."
"Welcome to fatherhood," Derek says cheerfully. "You're going to need more hands than you have."
I try again. This time I hold the front of the diaper with one hand while reaching for the tabs with the other. The doll starts to roll.
"The baby's escaping," Tyler announces.
"Babies don't escape during diaper changes," I argue, grabbing the doll.
"Mine did," Ben says. "Rolled right off the changing table. Wife caught her at the last second."
I stare at him. "That's not helping."
"I’m not here to help; I’m here to mock."
I finally manage to secure one tab. It's at a completely wrong angle, but it's attached. I reach for the second tab.
The first tab comes unstuck.
"Oh, come on."
Everyone's laughing now. Even Gage is doubled over, beer sloshing out of his glass.
