Page 128 of Pregnant in Plaid
"Breast is best!" she announces, entirely too loud for a hospital conference room. "But fed is best, and we support all feeding choices here."
She doesn't sound like she supports all feeding choices. She sounds like she's about to stage an intervention if anyone mentions formula.
"Now, let's talk about feeding schedules," Suzy continues, pulling out a chart that looks like it was designed by someone who's never actually met a baby. "Newborns eat every two to three hours. That's eight to twelve times per day."
"Per day?" Trace repeats.
"Yes. Including overnight."
"So, we're never sleeping again," I clarify.
"You'll sleep in shifts. Power naps. Cat naps. Any naps you can steal." Suzy doesn't sound concernedabout our impending descent into zombie-hood. "Now, Patrice, how's pumping going?"
"It's going," I say, which is the polite version of "I'm a dairy cow and I hate everything."
"Excellent! You're doing amazing. Trace, are you supporting her pumping journey?"
Trace looks like he's been asked to explain quantum physics. "I... bring her water?"
"Perfect! Hydration is key. What else are you doing?"
"Uh." He glances at me for help. I offer none. "I... tell her she's doing great?"
"Emotional support! Yes!" Suzy makes another note. "What about helping with bottle washing, storing milk, managing the pumping schedule?"
"I didn't know there was a schedule."
"Oh yes. Every three hours, even at night, to maintain supply."
Trace's face does something complicated. "Every three hours?"
"Around the clock."
"So, Patrice feeds the baby every two to three hours, and pumps every three hours, which means she's basically attached to either a baby or a machine twenty-four seven?"
"Exactly!" Suzy beams like this is wonderful news. "Although once your supply regulates, you might be able to stretch it to four hours at night."
"Might," I repeat.
"Every woman is different."
"This sounds like torture," Trace says.
"This sounds like motherhood," Suzy corrects cheerfully. "Now, let's talk about output goals. You want to aim for?—"
"I'm going to stop you right there," I interrupt, because if I have to hear about ounces and hindmilk and let-down reflexes one more time, I'm going to scream. "Can we just acknowledge that this is hard and weird and I'm doing my best?"
Suzy softens. "You're doing an incredible job. Brooklyn's gaining weight, you're producing plenty of milk, and you're both learning. That's all that matters."
"Thank you," I say.
"Although I do have a handout about power pumping if you want to increase supply?—"
"I'm good," I say quickly.
"And another about breast compressions?—"
"Also good."
