Page 68 of Pregnant in Plaid
"I'm not getting that."
"Fine. What about this one?" She holds up another onesie, this one with a little bear face on it.
I take it from her. The fabric is soft, and the bear has a little smile. My throat gets tight.
"I don't even know if it's a boy or girl," I say quietly.
"You wanted to be surprised, right?"
"Yeah. I wanted to wait until the birth to find out."
"Does Trace know?"
"I didn't let him look at the ultrasound that long." I run my fingers over the bear's face. "What if I'm terrible at this?"
"At what?"
"Being a mom. What if I don't know what to do? What if I mess up? What if?—"
"Patrice." Tessa puts her hands on my shoulders. "You're going to be amazing. You're organized, smart, capable?—"
"I'm a control freak who can't handle when things don't go according to plan."
"Which means you'll be prepared for everything."
"You can't prepare for a baby."
"No, but you can love them. And that's the most important part." She hugs me carefully, mindful of my stomach. "Your parents would've loved being grandparents. And they'd be so proud of you."
That does it. The tears I've been holding back all-day spill over, and I'm crying in the middle of a baby store while clutching a onesie with a bear on it.
"I miss them," I choke out.
"I know." Tessa rubs my back. "They're still with you. And they're going to be with this baby too."
I nod and wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. "Okay. I'm buying the bear onesie."
"Good choice."
We end up buying not just the onesie but also a soft blanket, a stuffed moose that Tessa insists is essential for Alaska babies, and a book called "The Wonky Donkey" because it made us both laugh until we cried.
By the time we get back to the car, it's late afternoon and I'm exhausted.
The drive back to Ashwood Falls is quieter than the drive up. Tessa plays softer music, and I rest myhead against the window, watching the landscape roll by. Mountains and trees and sky that goes on forever.
It's beautiful. Alaska is beautiful.
And I might stay. At least for now.
Maybe longer.
Maybe forever.
We pull up to Trace's cabin just as the sun is starting to set. The lights are on inside, and I can see his silhouette moving past the window.
"You okay?" Tessa asks.
"Yeah. Just tired."
