Page 4 of Imperfections Forbidden
“Uh oh, we’re going to talk about something unpleasant, aren’t we?”
“I promise after this we’re going to forget about all of it and make the rest of the weekend as perfect as last night.”
I get out of his lap and sit in the chair beside him.“What are we going to talk about?”
“We have used protection every time we had sex except the first time.”
“I know where you’re going with this.When I find out if there’s something to worry about, you will be the first person I call.For now there’s nothing to tell you.”
“If you find out there’s something to tell me, what will you do?”
“I just told you.”
He holds my chin up firmly with his hand and stares into my eyes.
“If you were pregnant, would you get rid of my child?”
The thought never entered my mind.I don’t want to think about being pregnant or what I would do if I am.Everything is already so messed up.I still don’t want to think about it.“I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know?”he says, looking at me with his eyebrows drawn so close together they’re almost touching.
“It’s all so complicated!I haven’t thought that far ahead.”
“If you were pregnant, I would want our baby.I would want my child.”
“Are you against abortion and a woman’s right to choose?”I ask, surprised at his reaction.
“A woman can do whatever she wants with her body.But any woman with my child…no, I’m not for it.I don’t even want to hear it.”
“This is a surprise to me.You wouldn’t think that from the way you were acting with Kate.”
“The thing with Kate—to say it took me by surprise would be an understatement.It was totally unexpected.I was reacting off that.That doesn’t mean I don’t want this child if I’m the father.I absolutely want this child.I’m going to be a part of its life starting from every single prenatal visit.Do you understand what I’m saying?”
He’s talking like he knows the baby is his.It’s very different from when he first told me Kate was pregnant.
Something’s changed.
“I needto tell you something about Kate and me.”
“Oh God!What now?I don’t know if I want to hear this.The last thing I want to do is talk about you and Kate.I don’t want to think about it.”
I look down at my hands in my lap.He covers my hands with his, leans over his elbows on his knees.
“I know—”
“No, you don’t.Every time I see her, I have to pretend I don’t know she’s pregnant and she might be carrying your child.I have to listen to my mother gush over your engagement, about what a wonderful couple you are, and how she can’t wait till you give her grandkids.”
I sit up, pull my hands away from him and wrap them around my waist.I want this conversation to be over with.I hate this feeling.I hate what I think he’s about to tell me.I wish desperately that she wasn’t pregnant.Because if she wasn’t, everything would be the way it’s supposed to be.
“I’m sorry you have to go through this.I’m sorry I’m putting you through this because of the asinine choice I made.I fucked up.I’m not going to try and make excuses for what I did.”
You better not.“That’s good; if you do, I’m going to walk right outta here.”
He scrubs his hand across his mouth then across his jaw.He looks down at his folded hands, his legs parted, and rotates his thumbs around each other.I wait for him to say what I don’t want to hear.I look to the side into the living room at the clear blue morning sky.It’s the kind of blue, surrounded by puffs of white clouds, that reminds you of blue ice and igloos.I wrap my arms around myself a little tighter, like a chill from outside is seeping into my perfect dream, wrapping itself around it with a cold embrace.
“I went with Kate to a doctor’s appointment.”
Here we go.I take a breath and let it out.I sit back and watch the clouds roll by.
