Page 73 of Imperfections Forbidden
“I’ll eat something later.I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not.I’m going to make you something before I leave.I want you to eat it.You’re losing weight, it’s not good for you.”
“When did you start caring about me?”She looks at me.“Don’t worry, I won’t inconvenience you and die on your watch.”
“I care.”I do, but I don’t want her to confuse my concern for her health as anything else.“You’re not going to die.”
“How do you know?Our baby died.”
I lean forward in the chair.“You’re not dying.I loved our baby, and I know you did.”Her lips pull together, and she looks away from me.She lifts her hand and wipes away tears before they leave her eyes.Damn, I wish I could make this better for her; seeing her like this, I’m feeling it too.I need to deal with her first then deal with this loss in my own way.“I’m going to get you something to eat and you’re getting out of this bed.”She looks up at me from the bed with more tears in her eyes when I stand and hold out my hand for her to take.
“Now.”A few seconds later she finally takes my hand.I make her a bowl of soup she didn’t eat yesterday when I bought it.She takes a shower and sits on the couch.I watch her eat to make sure she finishes everything.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
When she’s finished I sit on the couch with her.We watch a show and make small talk about the show and nothing in particular.I’m talking about anything that will take her mind off the baby.Five hours later it’s dark out and it’s time for me to go.It’s time for me to tell her this is my last visit to see her.
“Kate, I have to go.”
“I know,” she says quietly.“It’s time for my mother to come back and babysit.It’s good how y’all worked it out so you’re never here at the same time.She conveniently has to leave around the same time you come to see me every day.”She looks at me with a sad smile.“Somehow she manages to make it back exactly five minutes after you leave.Almost like she’s sitting in her car watching for you to leave.”
I laugh and look down at her sitting beside me.“Yeah, that’s some coincidence.We have perfect timing, like a dance we’re doing to stay away from each other.”
“Kate, I won’t be coming to see you after today.”
She doesn’t say anything for a while.Then she looks away.“Why?”
“We need to start healing on our own.You need to be around people who care for you, the more the better.Sitting in this apartment”—I look around the room— “by yourself for a prolonged amount of time, replaying what happened day in and day out, isn’t good.”
She takes a deep breath and blows it out.“Probably not.I’ve been thinking about what happened a lot, more when I’m by myself.Some nights I wake up crying.I don’t know why until I remember I was dreaming about the baby.Sometimes I see him in my dreams.I cry so much I cry myself back to sleep.”
I hold her hand in her lap because I can understand.Late in the night, there’re two things I think about, Cat and the baby.I feel both losses.One is a temporary loss, if I have my way.The other is a loss that sits there.I will never be able to get back the child I lost, my son.She asks me something but I’m not sure what.
“Hmm?”
“Is that the only reason you won’t be back?Or is it someone else?”
“No one else.”I know she’s talking about Cat.If I was totally honest with her, yes, Cat is the biggest part of why I can’t keep coming over here to see her.How am I going to make her understand how much I need her and we should be together, if I’m with her sister, who I don’t love and don’t even really like, trying to piece her back together?A choice has to be made, I choose the woman I love.I choose Cat.I will always choose Cat till the day I die.
“I don’t believe you.”
I know she doesn’t.I kiss her on the forehead and move forward to get up.She puts her hand on my thigh and looks in my eyes.There’s a vulnerability in her eyes that tugs at me for her.
“Do you think we could have had a chance if she didn’t come back?If she wasn’t here?”Her voice wavers and trails off.
I give her the only answer I have as honestly as I can.“As perfect as two people are on paper, once they step off into real life it’s a different story.Sometimes two people aren’t meant to be together because they just don’t fit in the real world.”
She nods her head and sits back.“Bye.”
“Bye, Kate.Take care of yourself.”I didn’t want to answer her question.I didn’t want an argument, which I knew was coming if I gave her the honest answer to her question.I didn’t need that, and she’s been hurt enough.
I let myself out and close the door.I sit in my car and wait till I see her mother pull up in front of her house before I drive off.One chapter closed is closed, and hopefully I can reopen the next one with Cat.Time for me to call Chris.
Cat
“Cat, when’s Chris getting here?”
