Page 13 of Wylder Ranch
“I’m sorry. Sorry, baby girl.Shhh.I’m here.”
Peering around, I see no one and no more cars, so as discreetly as I can, I move to the other side of the fountain, unclip Everly from her harness, lift my sweater, and send out a prayer that she latches on the first time.
When she does, the relief is so overwhelming that the tears finally appear, and the resolve I woke up with runs down the drain like yesterday’s stormwater.
What am I going to do? I’m one day into a five-day trip, and I’m ready to give up. Coming here was an insane idea. Alex was right, I should have emailed him.
My mind spins with his parting words—I can’t do this now—and it’s thenowI fixate on. Did he mean now, like right now? Or now as a point in the present? Today, this weekend, next week?
Or now as innever?
He could have done it at one point, but because I never returned his call, he’s no longer interested?
And what doesthismean? Talk? Become a daddy?
Should I leave earlier and go home?
Or should I try to see him again?
I sniff through each scenario, none of which makes me feel any better, and try to wipe the tears before they hit Everly, though at this point in her young life, her skin is more or less kept hydrated from them.
Her tiny fist opens and closes in the air while she sucks down her milk. Holding my hand up, she grips on, curling her fingers around my thumb. It’s the touch I need to inject some sense into me. I haven’t come this far only to come this far.
I might have told Alex he’s a father, but there’s so much more to discuss. For Everly’s sake. We live on different continents, but I never want to say I didn’t try to give her the opportunity to have a father.
For Alex to be a father.
If he’s not interested, it won’t be for lack of trying on my part.
I’m too lost in my thoughts to notice Alex’s sister rushing toward me until she’s almost at the fountain. Great. Just what I need.
“Haven, are you okay?” she asks, taking in my tears and the way I swipe under my nose. “No. . . stupid question. . . of course you’re not.”
“Come to interrogate me some more?” I snap with a sniff and attempt to hide Everly under my jacket.
“What?” She pauses, and a frown flashes across her face. “No, God, I’m so sorry, I should have told you who I was. I just knew Alex was on his way, and I didn’t want you to leave without seeing him. I’m sorry, please forgive me.”
She’s looking at me with such compassion that it’s hard to be mad, especially when my nose won’t stop running. I’m not exactly in the position to be angry either. I’d have done the same, and technically, she is Everly’s aunt, but my jet lag is creeping in, and my daughter is pissed at me, so I’m running low on patience.
“Clementine, is it?”
She nods. “Yes, Clemmie. Or Clem. Whatever you prefer. I’m Alex’s sister, but you know that.”
“I don’t mean to be rude, but I need to finish feeding my daughter. Alex stormed off, so I have to figure out what to do. Perhaps we can talk another time?”
I hope the context is clear. I’m not in the mood.
“He stormed off?”
I nod in the direction Alex left. “Yup.”
Clementine stares down the road, making no signs of following him. I expect her to follow, but she doesn’t. In fact, she doesn’t move at all, even when Everly decides to make her objections known that my left boob is out of milk, and I try to switch her over without flashing anybody passing by.
This time, unfortunately, my daughter isn’t quite so enthused about eating, and her cries go from zero to a hundred in less than a second.
“C’mon, sweetheart, please,” I beg, wishing my audience would leave to go and find her brother or whatever it is she needs to do.
Lifting Everly, I place her high on my chest like the nurse taught me and pat her gently. Sometimes if I can get the burp, she goes back to eating, but not today, it seems.
