Page 59 of Diluted Truths
“Here, let’s rapid fire. If happiness was a person, who would it be? Who do you imagine growing old with? Who do you want to spend all your time with? Who is the best person you know? Who do you just want to sit next to and read a book? Who do you want to wake up next to?”
I raised my hand, cutting her off. I knew what she was getting at. “Okay fine, yes, Jackie would be my answer to all those. That doesn’t mean I love her.”
Sarah sighed and came and sat next to me. “That’s true, but I can see it in your eyes when you look at her.”
“What do you see?”
“You look at her the way I look at Faizal. You look at Jackie as if she hung the moon and the stars and fixes your broken heart little by little with each moment you're together.”
Fuck, she was right.
I still wasn’t sure if that was love, but everything she said was true, which made Jackie’s ignoring me even more painful. “She still hasn’t called me back.”
“God, really?” Sarah asked sympathetically.
I nodded. “I don’t know if I did something wrong or if I pushed her too hard or what. I… I just really fucking miss her, Sarah.”
“I don’t think it’s you. She hasn’t answered me or Faizal either. So much happened in San Francisco and New York. She’s probably terrified and confused.”
She was right. It was selfish to think it was all about me. I too was trying to digest everything that had happened. It felt as though we entered into a parallel universe where crazy things were normal. I couldn’t believe I was theorizing she was going to disappear, but it was the only thing that made any sense to me.
“Has she told Fai yet?” I asked.
Sarah shook her head.
“Why not?”
Sarah sighed and pulled me up from the couch. “This conversation requires a stiff drink, come on.”
We walked from her office across her back lawn into her and Fai’s home through their back door. They both made good money and had invested it into their home. Sarah had decorated it with blues and whites but managed to make it feel homey and comforting. I needed to see if she could help me make my home feel less sterile.
We wandered into the kitchen where she pulled out a bottle of whiskey and two glasses.
“Sit.” She directed me to the kitchen table as she poured the drinks.
She wasn’t always able to keep drinks in her house due to both Jackie and Fai’s addiction. I remembered two years ago when she had finally asked if she could keep a bottle of wine here. She called me and made me hype her up for nearly an hour before she went to Fai and Jackie and asked. According to her retelling, Fai said it wouldn’t bother him and Jackie responded saying she liked a challenge. That sounded exactly like the firecracker Jackie was. Even then, before I knew who she was, I thought Jackie seemed incredible and strong and beautiful and…
“Here ya go,” Sarah said as she handed me a drink, interrupting my thoughts.
I took the glass from Sarah as she sat across from me and took a long drink. She looked at me for a moment before breaking the silence.
“She won’t ever tell Faizal because of you, William.”
“Why? I know he’ll be angry we’re working together, but he's gotten over you and I being friends. Why couldn’t he get over Jackie and I working together?” I knew Fai hated me, and he would initially be angry, but he was a relatively level-headed guy. He would get over it.
Sarah shook her head. “I don’t think it’s that. Telling Faizal about the case opens up the door to talking about you. That opens the door about her feelings for you. When she finally says it out loud to someone, it will make it real.”
I sat silently for a moment, hope blooming in my chest. “Feelings for me?”
Sarah smiled. “I love this side of you. It reminds me of when we first met.”
I laughed. “I haven’t changed that much.”
Sarah raised her eyebrows in disagreement. “I have literally never seen you smile this much, yet everytime you say her name you are smiling like a clown.”
I just laughed harder. “Fine, okay, you’re right. Jackie just makes me feel… well, she makes me feel happy and free, I guess.”
“I can't believe I didn’t put it together before.”
