Page 27 of Steel
“So you don’t love me? You don’t love me enough to try and fix this.”
I paused. “No, . . . I can’t love you. You need to go.”
He was silent. Through the peephole, I could see the distraught look on his face. He pressed his fingers into his eyes and took several deep breaths before walking away. I stood there for a moment, tears streaming down my face. I turned away from the door but couldn’t will my feet to move.
Part of me wanted to run after him.
But alas, I found myself sliding down the door to the floor and crying my eyes out.
I swiped the tears from my eyes as I came out of the memory.
Did I love him? Yes. I loved him with my whole heart, but that dark side, . . . it was too familiar. If there was one thing I was afraid of, it was falling for a man like my father or being in a domestic situation as long as my mother was. I’d spent too many nights listening to her cries and pleas for him to stop. I remembered him promising that the last time was the last time, but it never was. I’d iced too many of her black eyes and a few of my own at the hands of that man.
I didn’t want that for myself, and I got out before it ever had a chance to get to that point. Maybe I didn’t do it the right way, but what was done was done, and I couldn’t take it back. It wasn’t like he would ever want me again anyway.
He could hate me, . . . I’d take that.
“How are you feeling?” Dinah asked, breaking my thoughts and handing me a glass of wine.
“I don’t know,” I said, taking the glass. “I can’t believe he rolled up on me like that. That’s what I never wanted, to have his anger directed at me like that. That’s why I ran. You think she’s gonna hate me?”
“I’m sure she’ll be angry. Probably with both of us. But no. She won’t hate you. When she’s old enough to understand, explain it to her.”
“I feel like shit, Dinah.”
“You should. I’m not gonna sugarcoat this shit, Neha. You were wrong as hell. I don’t agree with what you did, but I understand your fear. I was in that house and dealt with the abuse too.”
Dinah had wiped many of my tears in those days. She was the only other person who fully understood my pain. She’d been my human diary, holding so many of my secrets. After our dad went to prison, I put those memories in the back of my mind under lock and key. I didn’t think about him. I didn’t speak on him. I pretended as if he didn’t exist. It was a coping mechanism I’d mastered. Because of that, I’d never told Kerrion about the abuse.
When I talked about my family or showed him pictures, all he knew was Evan, my stepfather, was my father. I didn’t want to get into the days my sister and I had to cover bruises with long-sleeved shirts or pants. I didn’t want to tell him how I used makeup to hide signs of abuse on my face. Did I want to embarrass myself by telling him about the times my dad scared me so bad that I wet myself? Absolutely not.
Looking at him with our daughter, I knew now I should have. I should have told him everything.
“Do you think I’m doing a good job with her, Dinah?”
“I think you’re doing an amazing job. You were young when you had her. Raising kids is hard, hence the reason I don’t have any. Always the auntie, never the mother.”
I rolled my eyes. “You would be a great mom. I couldn’t do half of what I do without you.”
She flipped her hair over her shoulder. “I do what I can. Seriously, Neha. You’re a great mom and I’m a great auntie-mama.”
That made me laugh. “I can’t with you.”
“But you kinda have to. You’re stuck with me. Shit, we bought this house together. If you ever get married, your hubby is just gonna have to deal with me forever.” She playfully elbowed me. “Soooo . . .” she sang. “Tension aside, you didn’t tell me that man was that fine in person.”
“Girl, please.”
“Nah, don’t girl please me now. He was delicious. Did you say he has brothers?”
“Three of them that I remember.”
“You mean it’s four of them out here looking like that? If they are that fine, I know the daddy is fine too. I’m at that age, girl. I can have the father or the son. If I’m feeling frisky; I might take the daughter too.”
I almost choked on my wine. “Bye, Dinah.”
The sound of the back door opening broke our conversation. Nayelli came running in, making a beeline for the hall bathroom. I took a deep breath, deciding that this was a good time to try and talk to Kerrion. After chugging my wine, I placed the glass on the counter.
“I’ll be right back,” I told Dinah.
