Page 58 of Grump Hard
“Holly—” he begins, but I can’t stop now.
The words surge up from my core, demanding I make my stand. “I know you’ve been through a lot, Luke. I know you’ve lost so much—things like years of your childhood and your innocence, that money can never buy back. And I know you come from a much more cutthroat world than I do, but even you have to admit that most people aren’t awful. Most people are just trying to build a life that feels meaningful to them and take care of the people they love. All while dealing with the hard stuff life throws at all of us, no matter how much money we have.”
He frowns, a mixture of sadness and something that looks like pity creasing his forehead. “I’m sorry, but that hasn’t been my experience. When I look at the world, there are no rose-colored glasses. I’ve seen things, Holly. Cruel, evil, pointlessly terrible things.”
“I know. You think I don’t know?” My voice breaks, but I push through, ignoring the sting at the backs of my eyes. “I’m not a fool, Luke. I see things, too. I see how many kids there are in line at the food pantry every Christmas, and how that line gets longer every year. I saw the way that asshole we just voted off the town council treated the flood victims a few years ago. The way he screamed at them at the meetings, acting like they’d done something to deserve losing their homes. Victimizing them when he was supposed to be helping them recover. I see that so many people in the world are just like him. They want to believe all the suffering, starving, hurting people in the world did something to deserve it. Because if they did something to deserve it, then it’s okay for other people to look away and do nothing. It’s okay for them to believe nothing like that will ever happen to them because they’re ‘good’ people, not ‘bad’ people like those unlucky souls that their twisted version of God has decided to curse for whatever reason. I know all of that and so much more.”
I take a shaky breath, staring down at the cup in my hands. The steam has stopped rising from it, the surface congealing in the cold air. “I’ve always seen it. Ever since I was little. I used to cry about it so much as a kid that it scared my mom. She would tell me that she loved my tender heart so much, but that I had to try to toughen up. Just so all the sadness wouldn’t crush me into pieces.”
I can feel Luke watching me, but I can’t look at him yet.
If I look, I might lose my nerve to say the rest.
“But I didn’t want to toughen up,” I whisper. “It felt important to see the truth, to bear witness to what people were really going through, even if there was nothing that I could do to help them. And then, eventually, when I was older, I realized there was something I could do.”
“You could shine a light,” he says, making my chin snap up.
And making me wonder who he really is all over again.
Is he the jaded billionaire, who will always see the darkness? Or is he the white knight on his horse? The one who sees and understands, the one ready to swoop me up and help me take the light to places I could never reach alone?
I search his face as I nod. “Yeah. I think light means more coming from someone who sees the dark. I think the people who need that from me see that. And the rest…” I shrug. “Well, they can think I’m a silly woman wearing rose-colored glasses if they want. But my optimism isn’t ignorance. It’s not proof that I’m some naïve fool who doesn’t understand how the world works. It’s how I make a difference. By choosing kindness over cruelty and hope over despair. By smiling and laughing every chance I get and making other people smile and laugh and…” I sniff, fighting tears again as snow begins to fall. “It might not seem like much, but it’s important to me. It’s how I survive. If I thought the way you do… If I believed we were all rotten and doomed, I honestly don’t know how much longer I’d be able to stick around.”
The words hang in the cold air between us, and for a long moment, neither of us moves.
When I finally look at him again, I’m shocked to see tears in his eyes.
Tears he’s clearly still fighting to control as he says in a rough voice, “You’re very wise, Holly Jo Hadley. And very special.” He swallows. “You really are. And so important. The world needs more people like you.”
“And what about you?” I whisper, my throat tight. “Do you need me? Is that why you’re here?”
The question hangs between us, naked and filled with longing.
He exhales a soft laugh as he drags the back of his hand across his cheek, smearing the wetness there. “I don’t know why I’m here, honestly. I thought I did, but then you took me to school. Or to church, maybe? I don’t know… You just… You’ve proven I’m not seeing things as clearly as I thought, and…” He blinks fast, looking so vulnerable and lost that a part of me wants to pull him in for a hug.
But my hug won’t help him get to where he needs to go.
That’s something Luke has to do by himself.
He draws in a breath, his hands clenching around his cup so hard I’m surprised it doesn’t crush it. “I clearly need to do some thinking. Some reflection.” He stands up abruptly, adding in a tight voice, “But bottom line, I’m sorry. I never should have behaved the way I did on Friday. You deserve so much better than that. You just… You deserve so much.”
Then, he walks away, down the alley and onto Main Street, his shoulders hunched against the cold and the weight of the things he carries.
He’s gone before I can remind him that I should be the one to decide what I deserve and when I’m ready to give up on someone.
Yes, Luke was an asshole. But he’s also been funny and sweet and smart and generous and compelling. He contains multitudes, as we all do. And at least he sees the need for change and seems to want to make it happen.
That’s a lot more than most men our age.
Hell, most people. Period.
I love people, I really do. And I usually see the best in them.
But, like I told Luke, I also see the truth. I see how most people get to their early twenties and get…stuck. Growth slows in the molasses swamp of everyday life, patterns are established, ways of thinking become ingrained, then stagnate, and making positive change gets harder and harder.
And maybe that’s natural. Maybe those patterns and routines are the reason most people don’t seem to wander around wondering what it’s all about as much as I do.
But Luke wonders and wanders; he always has.
