Page 82 of The Royal Throne
He slid his cap from his pocket and put it back on, covering his hair. “Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if you hadn’t married Rainer.”
“If my sister were still alive, if I hadn’t taken her place, I’d like to think the two of us would have found each other.” It was wishful thinking, a dream. There was no place in her life for what-ifs and dreams.
He nodded, not meeting her eyes. “I have to marry Lottie in a couple of days.”
Hearing those words sent a jolt of panic through her. She’d secretly hoped that Lottie would have been found guilty before her marriage to Evander took place so their marriage contract would have been severed. But that plan was slashed to pieces.
“And unlike your situation, I don’t have a legitimate reason to put off sharing her bed.”
His words felt like a boulder had been dropped on her head. Her stomach twisted with nausea at the mere thought of Evander sharing a bed with Lottie. She stood, wrapping her arms around her body, unable to face the man she’d fallen in love with but could never have.
Soft rustling sounded behind her.
“I’ve done a lot of things I haven’t wanted to,” Evander whispered, his voice right behind her.
She closed her eyes, feeling the warmth of his body next to hers.
“The one thing I want more than anything, I can’t have. And that kills me.” He trailed his fingers up her bare arm. “I’ve had no choice in so many things.” His body pressed against her back, his breath caressing her ear.
“Please don’t ask me for something you know I can’t give,” she whispered.
“I’m not. I won’t.” His hands slid to her hips. “I just don’t think it’s fair. We take care of everyone else, but not ourselves. How can such sacrifices be asked of us?”
She didn’t know. She pressed her body against his, and his arms wrapped around her waist, his face nuzzling her neck.
“I just wish I could make love to the one person I love.”
Tears filled her eyes because she wished for the same thing.
“I want my first time to be with you,” he mumbled.
Shock filled her. She hadn’t realized he hadn’t been with a woman.
His right hand splayed across her stomach, the feel of his callouses pressing into her soft skin.
“Sabine,” he whispered into her ear. He kissed her neck.
Each touch sent a jolt of fire into her body. She wanted to cave in, give herself to him, but she couldn’t. She twisted to face him, her hand cupping his cheek.
“He doesn’t love you,” Evander said. “He’s probably with another woman right now.”
Her heart hurt because he was right.
“Why deny yourself this?” he asked.
“Because it’s the right thing to do.”
“I wish I could argue with you, but I understand—especially if your parents are anything like mine. And, honestly, I probably wouldn’t love you as much as I do if you weren’t so loyal.” He kissed her cheek. “Just know, I wish it was you. I’ll always wish it was you.” He kissed her forehead and took a step back.
She had a strange sense that he was saying goodbye.
Chapter Nineteen
“Wake up,” Harper hissed.
Sabine’s eyes flew open and she found her lady’s maid standing over her.
“Sorry, Your Majesty, but you need to get up.” Harper glanced over her shoulder at the door. “Hurry.”
