Page 100 of The Moon Also Rises
“Thanks, Jake,” Rami finally replies, the words small and swallowed away quickly as he reaches for his drink.
*****
I eat more than my fair share of dessert – five different kinds of delectably sweet halva – and then I am treated to a cup of possibly the world’s sweetest chai tea. During the latter, Rami’s mother humours me while I test out what little Arabic I learnt in Morocco. She compliments my accent, which makes me blush, and then teaches me a few words of Farsi, which I enjoy far too much. Maybe I should look into getting some lessons. I always have enjoyed learning other languages.
But no, lessons cost money. And money is not something I have, a fact I was reminded of when I felt far too much relief earlier when Rami insisted on buying our train tickets. I shouldn’t be approaching forty and experiencing such gratitude when I don’t have to pay for things. The tension from this kind of shame straightens my spine and makes me drift away from the room as Rami’s mum goes about correcting her children’s pronunciation of words and they all laugh together at jokes I don’t understand.
I try not to dwell on what life would be like if my mother were still alive, or if my father lived closer. I haven’t really let myself feel the full weight of loss I feel at Jenna living in another country. But as I already feel low thinking about all my debt, it seems to open the door for more negative thoughts and feelings.
As I often do, out of the blue, I feel the sadness of my mother’s death, and all the same questions it brings to my mind. Was there more I could have done? Why did she want to leave me? Why wasn’t I enough?
I’ve worked through these questions countless times with Anita and in the past I have been able to find peace with never knowing the answers, but today I feel like I can’t ignore how much I will never understand her decision to end her life, to miss out on seeing the people Jenna and I grew up to be.
“You okay?” I feel a hand on my arm. I look up and see Rami’s silver eyes on me and above them a concerned frown. From nowhere, a daring thought crosses my mind. Could I talk to Rami about my mother? Would he listen and offer words of reassurance? Would he hold me as I shared the pain I still feel at losing her when I was so young?
“Yeah, yeah,” I say quickly then reach for my tea, only a little surprised it’s gone cold. “Just a bit tired.”
Rami scans the room before he replies, “Me too. Let’s go soon.”
“No, we can stay as long as you want. Don’t leave on my account. I really am having a lovely time.”
Perhaps too lovely, in fact.
“It’s okay, Radia is sleeping over tonight so we can go anytime, and I normally would go around now anyway. I have a busy day at work tomorrow.”
“Do you?” I realise I haven’t even thought about work tomorrow or the week ahead. I’ve not even thought about what I’m going to do with the rest of my day.
Rami leans a bit closer when he talks next. “Jake, will you come home with me? I’ve liked being with you today and I sort of don’t want it to stop. Will you come home and have dinner with me?”
I also check my surroundings before speaking, but Rami’s mother and his sisters are all crowding around Radia’s phone on the other side of the table, laughing at something.
“Rami, if I do that, I feel like something… else could happen.”
“Would that be so bad?” Rami replies with a gleam in his moonlight eyes.
Yes, it would, because I like you. Yes, it would because I don’t want to get into this deeper. Yes, it would because the deeper I get into it the harder it’s going to be to climb back out when it inevitably ends.
“I don’t know,” I decide to say.
“We don’t have to. If you don’t want to,” Rami says and it sounds like a peace offering, permission to walk away, and yet I can’t ignore how disappointed it makes me feel.
“Okay,” I say, noticing movement among his mum and sisters. “I’ll come back to your place.”
“Good boy,” Rami says in a hoarse whisper, and I have no time to react because his mother is offering me more tea and his sisters want to show me another photo album and Rami is explaining to them all how we have to go soon.
But I do react. Inside. I react with every fibre of my being. I react by feeling more alert, anxious and excited than I have in years. I react by feeling more alive, and despite myself, more hopeful than I have in the longest time.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Rami
The train home is a lot more comfortable than our journey up to Birmingham, which has everything to do with how Jake’s sleeping head is resting on my shoulder. It may or may not have been tactical my claiming of the window seat when we got on, but I have no regrets, not now I feel the weight of his body against mine as I watch the blurred greens of the English countryside rush past me.
I’m almost ready to fall asleep myself, my cheek resting on top of Jake’s hair when my phone buzzes. It’s a message from Radia.
I reply.
