Page 83 of The Moon Also Rises
“It’s nice to be in the same room as you and not feel like you hate me.” Jake rests his head against the back of the sofa.
“I don’t hate you, Jake,” I say softly copying his movement, putting us in much the same position as we were on the Tube a few days ago.
“I know, but whatever it is that’s going on with us, or not going on with us, it’s getting to me.” Jake’s eyes are steady on mine.
“Yeah, me too,” I say, aware of how talking about this is making me feel better. Not that it’s making the tension go away, but rather it’s shaping it into a different form, a lighter, headier thing.
“So, what now?”
I don’t have a suggestion, but I do have the sudden strong urge to hold his hand, so I do.
His eyes drop to our fingers and I wait. I wait for him to take his hand away. I wait for him to say something. I wait for him to tell me this isn’t helping. But he doesn’t do any of that. Instead, he wriggles his fingers in between mine.
“You know, we could try something,” Jake says staring at our hands.
“What’s that?”
“We could try… we could just have sex. Get it out of our systems. Scratch the itch. Kill the tension.”
Holding my breath, I study Jake’s side profile. I suddenly want to kiss the pointed tip of his nose, want to run my tongue along the pronounced edge of his jawline, want to taste his rough stubble and his soft lips.
“Jake, I—”
“Don’t overthink it. You either want to or you don’t, and I really don’t mind either way.”
“You don’t mind?”
“I mean, obviously I want to, because of all the aforementioned tension, but I understand if you don’t want to go there with me.”
“Jake, I want to go there,” I say quickly and speaking the truth loosens one of the knots inside me. “But I just don’t know if it’s a good idea.”
“I’m very good at sex,” Jake says then and I have to put my tea down on the coffee table in front of us because I’m laughing so hard.
“I’m sure you are,” I finally manage to say.
“And I bet you’re at least average.” Jake puts his tea down too before twisting his body towards mine.
“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”
“Actually, it doesn’t even matter if you’re bad. I’ll just enjoy looking at you.” Jake scans my body. “You are that hot.”
“Jake, I’m not going to have sex with you thinking I’ll be bad at it,” I say levelly. “I’d want you to enjoy it. I’d pretty much do everything I could to make sure you did.”
Jake clears his throat before he replies in a hoarse voice, “Rami, when you say stuff like that to me… I can’t…”
“What?”
“Nobody has said stuff like that to me before.”
“Nobody?”
He shakes his head. My reaction is visceral. I want to hold him. I want to show him. I want to please him. I want to make him see how worthy of pleasure he is.
It almost hurts to pull my stare away from Jake with his features so small and his body turning in on itself but I need a moment where he doesn’t fill my gaze or my mind. I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees. “I don’t know what’s the right thing to do.”
The silence that follows feels like it could go on forever, which would be impractical considering I have to get on a train in nine hours, but I still don’t know what to say. I want Jake. I want Jake as a lover and as my friend, and it feels like I can’t have both. That it’s asking for too much.
Eventually Jake is the one brave enough to end the silence and make a decision.
