Page 80 of The Moon Also Rises
“Someone to fall in love with.” Her eyes are all misty again.
I groan. “It’s not like I’ve been out here dating men with the intention of doing jigsaw puzzles with them, Dana.”
Much to my surprise, Dana bursts out laughing, her small frame shaking in her oversized blazer.
“What’s so funny?” I put my glass down.
“You actually believe you’ve been trying to fall in love? Ha!” She continues to laugh.
“What do you mean?”
“Jake, you meet men, yes, all the time. You have a lot of sex with them too, but you never let them get close enough to have anything more than that.”
“That is absolutely not—” I can’t finish the sentence. I need to think on it.
“Sorry, I don’t mean to be harsh. Perhaps we shouldn’t have ordered the second bottle.” She nods at the wine cooler. “You know bubbles make me a bitch. But regardless, you can’t honestly say that you’ve given a real relationship much of a chance can you?”
My mind drifts briefly to Lionel. Does Dana have a point?
“You know it takes two to tango. It’s not just me who has a say in whether a relationship works or not,” I protest.
“Oh, so you mean when you told Rami that it was good that things weren’t going to happen that was a discussion?”
I clamp my mouth shut and suck my cheeks in between my teeth.
“What time is your flight again?” I say deliberately contrite.
“Oh, Jakey.” Dana slides her chair a little closer to me and then right on cue, her head comes down on my shoulder. “It will happen one day. Maybe not Rami, but someone will make you so happy you don’t want to be without him and you will risk it all for that.”
Finally, I have something to say to fight my corner. “But I don’t want torisk it all. I don’t want to risk anything. I want to know it’s a sure thing. Why else would I bother unless I know that for certain?”
Dana lifts her head slightly so we can make eye contact. “Oh, you’re such an idiot. It doesn’t work like that. If there’s no risk, then it’s not love.”
“Then thank you, but no thank you,” I say. “Not everyone needs that, you know.”
“I know,” Dana says and her head slumps back down after she polishes off the prosecco in her glass. “And if that’s really what you think, Jake, then tell me to shut up.”
“Shut up,” I say but it sounds weak.
“Fine,” she says then pushes up to sit a little straighter, her hands coming to either side of her ribcage. “Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask. Do you think my tits are saggier than when you last saw me?”
*****
After I wave Dana off in her Uber, I open the same app on my phone and start to find a taxi home, but before I take the final necessary step, I pause.
It’s 11:15. It’s late, but not super late. It’s an inconvenient time to call someone, but probably not a horrifically anti-social time. At least, not one that couldn’t be apologised for.
I tell myself I’ll do it just to hear his voice and clear the air. I want both things more than I can describe and it suddenly feels very urgent that I do it now. I know that’s the prosecco talking, but I also know I’m not drunk. At least not horrifically anti-socially drunk or drunk in away that couldn’t be apologised for.
I think again about the way Rami’s face fell on the Tube when I told him I thought we were a bad idea, and how his eyes roamed my face for a few seconds before he agreed. It had taken more energy than I care to quantify to stick to my guns in that moment but the stubborn Virgo in me persisted.
It's not that I’m calling him to undo that conversation. I’m calling him to make sure that we are indeed on the same page, and that we can be civil with each other. Friends, maybe.
With the win-win of this situation clear in my mind, I tap out of the Uber app and go to my Contacts. The phone rings four times before he answers.
“Jake? Are you okay?”
I am not prepared. Prepared for hearing my name, yes, but not for the way he says it in his sleepy voice. Despite sharing a bed twice, I’ve not heard this low, deep, purr of a voice before and it throws a cold bucket of water all over the resolve and intentions I had firmly in place a moment ago. No, not cold water. Fiery hot water.
