Page 71 of The Moon Also Rises
“I’m not going anywhere.” I hear Rami say. Wondering why he chose those words and wondering why they land so heavily inside me are the last conscious thoughts I have before I come.
“Fuck!” I yell out as I feel the warm spill land on my stomach before it coats my hand.
“Fuck,” I say as my breaths bump into one another.
“Fuck,” I whisper as I lean my head back and wait for the shame to waltz in, like it always does.
“That was—” Rami begins as he comes back into the same position he was moments ago, on all fours straddling my body. “Fucking brilliant.”
I don’t have any words. Instead, I just laugh, looking up at him.
“So fucking good,” Rami speaks again as if to set the sentiment in stone.
“You are so not what I expected,” I say eventually, and his smile becomes one of confusion.
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing,” I say and I feel my stomach flip with that all familiar lull that follows an ill-advised sexual encounter. Looking down at myself, at my softening dick and at the splashes of white on my body does little to make me feel better.
I’m about to move, get up and go and clean up, but I feel a warm weight come crashing down on top of me.
“Rami, what the fuck—”
“Kiss me, Forester,” he says, trying to line his mouth up with mine, but I’m not having any of it.
“Rami, you’re going to get messy,” I say.
“Does it look like I care?” he asks, still trying to find my lips.
“Seriously. I should shower or—”
“We’ll shower together, in a minute. But first I need your mouth, and now,” he demands before finally winning his fight and rolling me over in his arms so I’m lying on top of him.
I don’t kiss him back at first, still convinced he’ll push me away in a few seconds, and I keep my body braced, tense for the onslaught of shitty feelings that I detected just a moment ago.
But they don’t come. And instead, slowly, tentatively, but eventually wholeheartedly, I relax into kissing Rami back.
PART THREE – FULL MOON
“So imagine that the lovely moon is playing just for you - everything makes music if you really want it to.”
Giles Andreae
Chapter Twenty-Two
Rami
I’m not saying I’ve missed Jake, but I’m also not not saying that.
It’s only been four days since I slept at his place after the dinner with Lionel and Luigi but it feels like much longer. I would like to say that the time has disappeared without me realising it but in reality, I’ve felt it drag.
On Friday I was out all day at a site visit with Bill and Simeon, a fact that helped us avoid what Jake described as “life-threatening embarrassment” of walking into the office together that morning. It wasn’t clear who he implied should feel embarrassed, him or myself. I thought about texting him on Saturday to see if he wanted to meet up, have a coffee or some lunch together, but each time I had the words typed out, I would stop myself. It wasn’t really that I was afraid of getting rejected, it washowI would get rejected. I didn’t want to hear that Jake was busy with other friends. I didn’t want to know if he’d already made plans with a buddy or two. And I definitely didn’t want to know if he had a date.
In short, I didn’t want to be reminded that Jake had a whole city of friends and possibly lovers, and me… I have him. And that’s pretty much it.
Instead, I went on a twenty-kilometre run, treated myself to lunch in a sushi restaurant and then after meditating for twenty minutes, collapsed on the sofa playing Mario Kart virtually with Roxie and told myself my aching legs were the reason I stayed in on a Saturday evening. On Sunday I headed up to my mom’s, as grateful for an activity that would fill my day as I was happy to see her. It also helped a lot that Radia caught the train with me this time and so the one-and-a-half-hour train journey was filled with her recounting her latest dates with Barista Babe. It helped because it diluted my many, many thoughts about Jake.
So, is it now Monday morning and am I all excited to see him? Yes, and yes. Am I twenty minutes early waiting for him at the entrance of a Georgian manor house a couple of streets away from Clapham Common? Yes, I am. Am I holding his coffee order in one hand and craning my neck to see if he’s walking down the street towards me? Yes, I am doing that too.
