Page 140 of The Moon Also Rises
“Yes, that. Well, when I read the chapter about communication, I realised I'd made many mistakes with you kids. There was so much I didn't tell you, and what I did tell you was done in the wrong way. Especially after you lost your mother.”
My head feels a little fuller as I listen to my father effectively give me the apology I have always wanted to have from him. I keep expecting some new feeling of peace or calm to waltz in, but it doesn’t come. It’s not that I feel agitated or on edge, rather I am realising I didn’t need this as much as I thought I did. I had already made some peace with it. It’s great to hear my father apologise and sound vulnerable for the first time in my life, but it’s not the missing jigsaw puzzle piece I thought it was. As mystifying as that is, it's also reassuring too.
“So, perhaps, if you would like to, you could come up to us for Christmas again this year?” My father finishes by asking. I open my mouth to tell him how I’d like that, but I’m distracted by the instantly identifiable first notes of a song I specifically told the DJ not to play.
When I hear Michael Jackson’s voice talking over a lilting guitar melody, I feel goosebumps prickle my skin from my head to my toe. I try to peer through the crowd towards the DJ to see what the hell he’s doing, but that’s exactly the moment everybody starts to move to the sides of the courtyard and a single figure is standing in the centre of the dancefloor, looking at me.
Chapter Forty-Six
Rami
The moment Jake sees me he looks exactly how I have been fearing the last two months: horrified. But it’s too late to back out now. Not when P.Y.T’s tempo kicks in and it’s time for me to dance.
And dance I do. I dance like my life depends on it, and in some very real ways, I think it does. I lip-sync too, just like I did three months ago. I sing every word of the first verse to Jake as his mouth falls open and he looks pinned to his spot by the bar. As the song winds into the first chorus, I do the routine that I came up with in a hotel room in LA just over a week ago, which involves a series of side steps, a spin and a little shuffle with my shoulders. When I look up, I am given the greatest reward on this Earth, Jake’s smile. It looks cautious and careful, like he daren’t let it fully bloom, but it's there. He’s smiling.
As the chorus repeats, I turn my back to Jake and quickly scan the room looking for familiar faces. When I see them scattered around the crowd, all standing to the side, dancing on the spot and grinning knowingly at me, I turn back and proceed to lip-sync the second verse as I dance a little closer to Jake. When he gives me a few long moments of eye contact, it feels like a gift and I treasure it until he looks away, chuckling to himself.
The closer I get the more my body itches to reach out and touch him, to pull him against me and dance the rest of the night, and maybe our lives, away together, but I don’t. Not yet. And maybe not ever. I tell myself I have to be satisfied with this if this is all I get with Jake again. The opportunity to dance in front of him and make him smile while singing him a song that will always make me think of him.
Just as the second verse ends, I stand still and look over my shoulder, clicking my fingers. Right on cue I see a few people step away from the crowd and come forward. Because they’re all behind me, I can’t see if they do what I asked them all to do – copy my dance moves, based on the video I sent out a week ago – but I hope they’re all giving it their best shot as the chorus kicks in again and I dance through the same sequence.
When Jake’s grin widens and his eyes dart around the room, I know they’re doing it and I allow myself to imagine how good it looks. When his smile cracks into a laugh that bends his body, I feel pure peace wash over me.
We repeat the sequence as the chorus replays and that’s when I become aware of how much noise is in the room. There’s cheering, clapping, and whoops of encouragement. I can’t contain my smile as I look to the side and see my sisters dancing the routine next to me, wearing matching sky blue three-piece suits Radia made. While she is wearing a bright pink hijab that makes the blue pop even more, Roxie’s long black hair tumbles down her back and she proudly boasts the new septum piercing she got a few weeks ago while I was away.
When I look back at Jake, his hand is over his mouth and his eyes look shiny. He glances quickly to his side at the older man next to him and I realise then that it’s his father. A slither of panic throws me off the beat for a second but when I see that man bouncing his knees and clapping slightly off rhythm, I’m able to fall back into the dance.
As the song goes to the bridge, I turn around and watch everyone freestyling like I told them to do. I see Marty using both hands to spin Jenna and Maeve around on either side. I make a mental note to seek Maeve out later and thank her for all her help making this happen. Then my attention is captured by Lionel and Luigi doing some rather odd robotic dance together but they’re grinning at each other in the same way they did all day at their wedding and their love feels almost contagious. Next to them is Sharon and who I assume is her wife, both of them singing the “Na-na-na-na-nah!” loudly at each other as they dance. And behind them are a small group of others who I don’t know but assume to include some of Jake’s London friends as well as Dana and Dove, Jake’s friends from college, all people Jenna was able to put me in touch with a few weeks ago. I laugh as I watch them dance in a row together, all linked with their arms behind their backs and doing high kicks like a can-can.
Smiling wildly, I look back to the bar, to find Jake and see his reaction to this beautiful love-filled celebration of him.
But he’s not there.
Panic ripples through me and I spin around again trying to place him. The song is on its last bars and I just want to see him smile one last time before it ends. I want to know that even if we aren’t going to work this out, I still made him smile and feel good on his birthday. And maybe, maybe, part of me just wants to have the opportunity to talk to him, even if that is only to say goodbye.
When I can’t see him, I turn to look for Jenna and see her already walking towards me.
“I’ll go find him,” she says in my ear as the music changes and the moment is so clearly and definably over. Jenna rushes past me and as the room starts to whirl around me, I search for my sisters, suddenly needing them close.
As I do, people start to fill the space around me and I’m promptly pulled into a big hug with Lionel and Luigi. Over their shoulders I see Sharon wave at me, while Marty and his sister also approach. I want to talk to them all, really I do, but more than anything I want to find Jake.
I just want to know Jake’s okay.
Finally, I see my sisters standing to the side and I politely make excuses to everyone else saying I need to check on them.
“That was amazing!” Roxie says, grabbing my forearm. “Can we do it again?”
“You did great, Roxie,” I say but can’t stop myself looking above her head, searching.
“Where did he go?” Radia asks me, understanding.
“I don’t know. One second he was there, and then he wasn’t. Maybe it was too little, too late,” I say and the self-doubt settles far too easily inside my stomach.
Radia shakes her head. “No, he was smiling. He was laughing.”
“I’ve been gone two months,” I say, raising my voice over the dance track that now plays. “And there’s so much I need to tell him.”
“And you will. That’s why you’re here, isn’t it?” Radia grips my other arm. My sisters’ hold on me is exactly what I need to find a little focus again.
