Page 132 of The Moon Also Rises
“Me too,” Jenna says. “How are you feeling about the party now?”
“Oh, like it is costing me three months’ worth of debt repayments,” I say with a groan. “Honestly, it’s strange how much of a shift has happened with money for me. A month ago, I would be seeing it as costing me a new Tom Ford suit or a holiday in the Caribbean but now I only think in terms of paying off my debt. It’s good. It feels… healthy.”
Jenna sniffs again. “It’s because you’re working through the shame of it. Shame is such a cockblocker.”
“I sincerely hope that’s not a quote from your next book,” I say and smile when Jenna laughs.
“It’s not, I promise. Hey, did you give any more thought to inviting Dad and Carol?”
“Honestly, Jenna, there’s been so much else going on, I really haven’t.”
“Right, yes, of course. You’ve been grieving Rami.”
I roll my eyes. “God, he didn’t die. He just… he just has his own shit to sort out. And he decided to go and do that somewhere with a better climate and more attractive people.”
“Am I allowed to ask what he has to sort out?”
A groan leaves my mouth. “Jenna, it’s possible you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
“Try me,” she says.
And I do. I tell her all about what I’ve just discovered. I tell her all about him not telling me about any of it. I tell her about him possibly going on a world tour. And I tell her my theories – or rather, my fears – of him going back there for Michelle or for the cult.
What I don’t tell her is what he said when we broke up, about how he said he’d come back for me. And how I told him I didn’t want him to. What’s the point in telling her that when both statements are now untrue?
“My God, Jake. How do you even start processing all this?”
“I was hoping you would help me with that,” I say, only half-joking.
“Well, it will take time. And you must give yourself time. I’m so sorry Rami felt he couldn’t tell you himself. It must have been awful for him to feel like he couldn’t. That’s shame, again.”
Her words and their similarity to what we just discussed about my debt ring in my ears like an alarm.
“But I would never have judged him,” I say and I wonder who I’m telling, myself or my sister. “I would have wanted to help him.”
Jenna sighs. “Sometimes people feel they’re not worthy of help, especially when shame has a hold on them. I think we can all relate to that in one way or another, but I think especially for Rami, considering how he must have caused his loved ones a lot of pain when he cut them off, he may well believe that so thoroughly that it's unthinkable to lean on someone else or to ask for more than he thinks he deserves.”
“But his family aren’t angry. Not at all. I’ve met them. They love him.”
“And you? Do you love him?” Her question hits me like an arrow.
I sigh. “Jenna, it doesn’t matter. He’s gone.”
“It matters, Jake. It matters more than you realise. It’s okay to still love him. Honestly, you just need to admit it to yourself if you’ve got any hope of moving forward and getting over this.”
Another alarm rings out as I hear these words and the most foolish, stubborn part of my brain issues a single clear and precise thought.I don’t want to get over him.
I close my eyes and shake my head at myself.Wow, my self-sabotaging tendencies know no limit.
“I think I could have fallen head over heels for him,” I admit.
“Whatever you do, Jake, don’t build those defences up again. Don’t waste the energy. It’s okay to feel raw and vulnerable. It won’t feel scary and awkward forever, I promise.”
“Jenna, I barely have the energy to tie my shoelaces at the moment, let alone re-build thirty-odd years of impenetrable walls.”
“Hmm,” my sister mumbles. “So, you have to work tomorrow, but what about Sunday? I could fly in and work from your place for a while. Marty is working all week so he’ll barely notice I’m gone.”
“That’s bollocks and we both know it.”
