Page 130 of The Moon Also Rises
“Well, if you just stopped having children,” Simeon banters.
“I can’t help it if I’m so virile,” Bill says and they lose me again, because all I can do is sit there and try and put a very complex jigsaw puzzle together when I know I don’t yet have all the pieces.
Chapter Forty-Three
Jake
Ipromised myself an early night. I need to at least try and look a little less haggard for tomorrow’s wedding despite the exhaustion I feel after four weeks of missing Rami and working far too many hours, but that is not going to happen.
I’m two hours into reading articles about DJ Lunar from a wide range of different sources ranging from now defunct gossip blogs from the 2000s through to a 2017New York Timesarticle about the cult that DJ Lunar joined. The cult Rami joined.
Almost unanimously, the articles agree that DJ Lunar joined the so-called RemiX cult because he followed his girlfriend, Michelle Saunders, and close friend, Gavin Lough, into it, the latter reportedly being the creator and leader of RemiX.
There isn’t much detailed information about Gavin Lough other than he was also a DJ around the same time that DJ Lunar was climbing in the charts and together they headlined multiple festivals and gigs all over the world. Although nowhere near as successful, Gavin Lough, or DJG as he was known then, had a couple of top 20 hits and released a few semi-successful albums. The most recent interview I find with him is many years later and it’s for Men’s Health magazine. In it he’s discussing at great length the benefits of a raw vegan diet, and talking about how our bodies have the innate ability to heal themselves if we remove all toxins from our diet and immediate environment. The next time he is mentioned in the media is when reports of DJ Lunar’s disappearance start to circulate and that’s when I first see RemiX, a one-time wellness movement, described as a cult.
After searching her name, I find Michelle Saunders referred to as anything from a D-list actress to influencer to wellness guru and it feels impossible to gauge exactly what kind of a person she is from the articles I’ve read, nor can I discern what kind of relationship she and Rami had. Even the photos don’t give away much because there are only a handful of them photographed together and the quality of the photos are terrible. These long-zoom images blur the edges of their bodies that are never captured mid-embrace but rather walking down various LA streets together wearing sunglasses and late-2000s fashion that comprises mostly of low-rise flared trousers and crop tops for her, and skinny jeans and vintage T-shirts for him, the latter mostly in black, of course. The paparazzi photos of her alone don’t reveal much more and are often just as pixelated and she nearly always has oversized glasses on. But even those obstructions can’t deny that she is beautiful to look at. Fair colouring, dainty features, pointed chin, and a fashion model’s physique.
But I don’t feel jealous. Far from it. I feel curious. I want to know what really happened. I want to know how it was for Rami when he was in the cult. How did it all begin? And more importantly perhaps, how did it all end?
There is no official DJ Lunar website or social channels other than one on Spotify that has all his albums and songs, all of which are still available although the profile lacks a bio or any other photos other than one of him, masked up and facing the camera head on. I can’t bring myself to listen to a single song while I’m on his channel; the thumping bassline and upbeat rhythm would just mess with my head too much.
Because I’m not yet ready to admit that Rami is this whole other person I didn’t even know existed.
I’m also not yet ready to consider the possibility that he returned to LA for Michelle, or for RemiX, or indeed to do this comeback tour that only one music industry webzine has referred to in its rumour section from a few weeks ago.
Because all of those possibilities will mean one thing; that Rami is not coming back for me.
How am I still even wondering if he will return to me like he said he would? How is a traitorous, stubborn part of me still hoping for it, yearning almost? That is not the strong, independent man I want to be. That’s not the whole person I am fighting to become now I have finally, finally tackled my biggest darkest secret head on.
Except I haven’t, have I?
Groaning I close my laptop and slide it to the side on my bed. I then reach for my phone and do what I have been putting off doing for nearly a month, the longest time I have ever gone without speaking to my sister.
But I need her now. I need her to help make sense of these new revelations about Rami. And I need her to hear my truth and hopefully, hopefully, love me anyway for it.
Jenna answers on the second ring.
“Jake Malcolm Forester, you better have spent the last month trapped in a bed with Rami or have another equally excusable reason for not calling me back in far too long.”
I suck in a breath as I grimace. “How about, Rami and I broke up?”
The silence is loud. “Oh, Jakey, no.”
“Oh, Jenna, yes.”
“I’m so sorry,” she says and I realise how much I needher voice and her comfort. I will always need my big sister. “That really sucks.”
“Yeah, it does.”
“Do you want to tell me about it?”
“I sort of do, yes, but I also want to tell you something else. In fact, I have a lot of things to tell you, but first I want to apologise for not being in touch much recently. It’s been hard since Rami left and I didn’t want to talk about it and work’s also been really busy and—”
“Jake, you don’t need to apologise to me. I only want to speak to you because I care about you.”
“Well, I hope that will still be the case after I explain some of the chaos that is currently my life to you.”
I pull in a deep breath and then I tell her. I tell her all about my debt. I tell her the numbers. I tell her how it started, and how I let it get as bad as I did. And I tell her how now things are different and how the beginning of this hopeful end began with a long conversation with Rami where he held me until I stopped crying.
