Page 125 of The Moon Also Rises
“Shall I make tea?” a quiet voice says from the other corner of the room.
“You never make tea,” I say weakly to Roxie.
“And you never cry like a baby on Mama,” she points out.
“Tea would be great,” I concede with a small laugh, a chuckle I don’t feel I deserve but still it helps.
After Roxie leaves the room, I exhale and find my mother’s eyes. They haven’t left my face.
“It’s such a mess, Mama.”
“What is?” she asks gently.
“Everything,” I huff out.
“Then just start somewhere.” She pulls on me to move next to her on the couch. Her silver eyes have never looked kinder or fuller of love. I think about what Jake said about being brave and vulnerable and hopeful. I know that’s exactly what I need to be now.
“Mama, I’m not straight. Did you know that?”
A flash of shock shakes her calm expression and she blinks hard once, twice.
“You’re gay?”
“No,” I say with a small smile. “Pansexual. It means gender isn’t important to me. Attraction is about the person, not what gender they identify as.”
It’s Mom’s turn to half-laugh. “I am aware of what pansexuality is. I’ve read a few articles and watched the odd TV show, you know.”
I feel heat rise in my neck and cheeks. “Well, that’s what I am,” I say looking down at my knees.
Mom’s hand squeezes mine, harder and harder until I look at her. When I do, I see her smile is back on her kind, concerned face. “Jake?”
My whole body caves as I breathe out. “Yeah.”
“He’s such a lovely man. Rami, I’m so happy for you.”
I shake my head quickly. “No, we’re not together… we’re…. This is where it gets messy. And there’s more I have to tell you.”
“Well, you’ve already started talking, so just keep going. Tell me whatever you want to next.”
“I’m going back to the US.”
This gets me the exact reaction I dread, her body tensing and her shoulders lifting. “Why?” She gasps.
“I’m going to go back to finish the rehab,” I explain.
“In California?”
“Yes, I’ve emailed them and they’ll let me check-in again on Monday morning, as they should considering how much they’re charging me,” I add dryly.
“And how long will you do that for?”
“It’s a minimum of five weeks to complete what I should have done two years ago.”
Mama shakes her head. “But you’re already doing so well. Why do you have to go back there? Why can’t you do something similar here?”
“This place is specifically for people recovering from cults and cult-like institutions. What I started doing there did work. It set me up to recover, but some of the things I’ve done since and the way I’ve been acting recently has highlighted that I’ve still got some work to do.”
“What do you mean?”
