Page 123 of The Moon Also Rises
“Well, I’m not sure how I’m going to eat my beef tartare now,” Jake deadpans as he pulls his hands away from mine. I want to be relieved he’s making a joke when his chin is trembling, but I’m not.
Nothing could erase or even dilute the ache I feel for him and what I just said. Nothing can ease the pain I feel at having said what I said. But it needed to be said.
I can’t be Jake’s boyfriend, not like this.
“Jake, I want to explain—”
“I’m not sure I want you to.” He won’t look at me, his eyes darting around looking out over the view of the Thames. What an incredible view for such a devastating moment.
“It’s really complicated,” I begin.
“I’m sure it is,” he snaps.
I open my mouth to try again but the waiter brings our starters and I find myself grinding my molars as he takes a painfully long time to explain the ingredients and flavours of our respective dishes.
When he’s gone, I ignore my food and focus on Jake who is now chewing on his bottom lip and staring at his plate like looking anywhere else would cost him too much.
“Jake, there are a lot of things I haven’t told you.”
Jake nods then and glances up at me. I want to feel relieved he’s looking at me again, but I’m not because I can see the sheen in his eyes, and all the hurt. “Yes, I’ve always been aware of that. Like the boxes of records in your room. The way you never told me exactly what it was you were doing in LA. The way you’re not out to your mother. The way you don’t seem to mention any friends from that time, or even many people back here in the UK.”
“Yeah, it’s not right I haven’t explained… things.”
“But I don’t care. I actually don’t care about any of that, Rami,” Jake says and he sounds unusually quiet, like he’s suddenly feeling tired, or defeated. “I kept things from you too, remember? But you know sharing that made me realise it didn’t matter. I believed you’d tell me eventually. I just sort of had this crazy idea that if we tried to make this work, there would be time for us to share more of ourselves, as and when we’re ready. So, I don’t really care you have stuff you haven’t told me.”
“Well, you should care,” I say with emphasis.
“Youwantme to be angry with you?” His expression can only be described as a scowl.
“No.” I shake my head. “I definitely don’t want that. But you have every right to be.”
Jake pushes back in his chair and folds his arms. “Well, I am angry, because, honestly, none of this makes sense. The way you’ve been messaging me all week. The way we were when we were last together. The way we’ve been for a while now…”
“This isn’t about how I feel. I’m not doing this because I don’t care. I’m doing this becauseI do. I’m doing this because I need a bit more time to sort some things out. I can’t give myself to you fully until I do.”
“And yet, you haven’t told me what those things are?”
“I could,” I say and then it’s my turn to shrink in my chair, because I know telling him now won’t help. I can’t help but believe it would make things even worse. “But I’m scared you’ll not want to see me again if I do.”
“Rami, are you a serial killer?”
“No.”
“Have you committed any other major crimes?”
“No, it’s nothing like that.”
“Do you put cats in wheelie bins?”
“What?” I stare at Jake until I realise it’s a serious question. “God, no.”
“Well, then I don’t even care what it is. I know what it’s like when you have a dark secret you don’t want anyone to find out, and irony of ironies, it was you who made me see how people not knowing my truth was more toxic than the actual problem itself. Why can’t you see that?”
“People do know. My family know. Bill and Simeon too,” I say but his reaction instantly tells me I was stupid to share this with him.
“But I don’t,” he says and his chin trembles again.
What can I say to him? I can’t even give him a fragment of the truth because it all interconnects. One piece of the puzzle ultimately reveals the full picture and that’s terrifying.
