Page 122 of The Moon Also Rises
“Are you okay?” I ask leaning over the table.
“Yeah, sorry. I just… It’s been a long week.”
It’s not that his mood has changed. He’s still looking at me with kind eyes, and his hand is back on mine, stroking my knuckles, but I sense something else about Rami that I haven’t noticed before. He’s on edge, distracted, and possibly also a little nervous.
Maybe it’s because he finally wants to tell me more about what happened in California.
“You said you wanted to talk,” I prompt him.
“I do, yes.”
“I do too.”
“You do?” He seems surprised.
“Yes, I wanted to tell you… I wanted to tell you how happy I am when I’m with you.” My intention in saying this, in getting this ball rolling is two-fold. Firstly, I hope it helps soothe a little of whatever tension he is feeling and get his mind away from whatever it is that is making him frown so deeply. And secondly, it’s a test. A test to see if he is receptive to me saying these kinds of things.
“Jake, you know I feel the same.” His hand squeezes mine. “At least I hope you know that.”
“I think I do.” I feel so buoyed by this comment, I press on, “Rami, I know this is like our first date and that’s not the typical time to be saying such things, but I suppose nothing about how we met and how we got to this point is typical, and I for one kind of like that. But still, I wanted to make sure you knew how… how much I care about you.”
He blinks at me, his expression unreadable. It’s not like he’s surprised, more like he’s listening so intently he has no other energy for any kind of decipherable reaction.
Despite the panic that rises in me at his immediate silence, I still feel brave. Rami makes me feel brave. Even if he is struggling with whatever it is he wants to talk about with me, that doesn’t matter because I can be brave for him. I can be brave for both of us.
“Because I do care about you, a lot,” I continue. “And I’m aware that maybe I haven’t shown it. I haven’t gotten up and danced in front of you and a large crowd of drunk wedding guests. I haven’t brought you coffee once since we started working together. I know I drive you up the wall sometimes and occasionally you return the favour, but Rami… I didn’t know it was possible for someone to know all of me and still like me.”
“Jake—” He tries to interrupt but I hold up my free hand.
“Please let me finish. When you stayed last weekend and talked through everything with me, you made me feel accepted in a way that I have possibly never felt because my debt has been hanging over me for most of my adult years. To have you know about it, and not just want to stick around but also help me overcome it. That means more to me than I can really say, and as you know I am rarely lost for words.”
“Jake, I didn’t do anything special. You were the courageous one last weekend.”
Palpable relief pulses through me at knowing he still doesn’t judge me, still thinks highly of me after having a week to have the full horror story of my debt sink in.
“But you are special, Rami,” I quickly interject. “You’re kind, you’re generous, you’re charming, you’re reliable and loyal, and you’re even funny, sometimes.” I lean over the table so only he can hear. “Also did I mention you have the world’s most perfect penis?”
Rami closes his eyes when he smiles at that so I can’t see if it reaches them, but I tell myself it does. I mean, who wouldn’t smile at being told they have a perfect penis?
“I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this before, but I don’t have the best track record with relationships. In some ways, I’ve never had a real relationship before. And whatever I’ve had in the past… It hasn’t felt like this.Ihaven’t felt like this.”
“Please, Jake, I—” Rami leans towards me but again I stop him talking by continuing. I need to say this now or I may never get the words out.
“And I haven’t exactly figured out the details in my own mind, because of course, it is a problem that we work together but I’d like to think we could make it work somehow. I mean, if I had to, I’d look for another job. I’d be more than happy to do that. I just want to…” I stop because my increasing rate of talking is starting to alarm even me. I take in a deep breath and level my gaze on Rami’s moonlight eyes. “I know I’m far too old to be asking such a question, but I want to ask it for the first time in my life. I want to ask you,” I bring my other hand to sandwich his palm between both of mine, “Rami, will you be my boyfriend?”
Another untenable expression lingers on Rami’s face and his silence makes my stomach sink at a frightening rate. Maddeningly, he takes a sip of water before he puts his eyes back on mine and speaks.
“Jake, I feel the same. I also haven’t felt like this before, and Ihavehad previous relationships. That should go a long way to tell you how much I care about you. You are special too. You’re hilarious, full of life, and sometimes utterly ludicrous, and I love that. I also love your ginormous heart that does so much for others even when you’re determined to act the grump. The way you host people in your home. The way you banter with Sharon. The way you came to Birmingham with me and spent a day with my family. The way you love your sister and Marty. Even the way you wanted a fake date to Lionel’s wedding so he wouldn’t worry about you still having feelings for him. The way you stick up for people you care about. The way you want to make your friends happy, so you agreed to a party you don’t really want to have.” He leans over the table, closer to me. “And then there’s what you do to me. The way you make me feel when your whole body responds to my touch. The noises you make when you come. The way you look lying naked on my bed in the moonlight. You are beyond special. You are everything.”
I grin at him like a madman, soaking up every one of his words. I almost want to look down to see if my chest is puffing out the way I feel it is, like a huge balloon inflating in my chest. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. And I can’t believe what is about to happen. Rami squeezes my hand and unblinking I wait for his next words.
“Which is why it destroys me to say, I’m sorry, Jake. But no, I cannot be your boyfriend.”
And just like that, the balloon in my chest and my stupid, stupid heart both burst into smithereens.
Chapter Forty
Rami
