Page 119 of The Moon Also Rises
“Apart from your sexuality and your new boyfriend to your mother,” Radia says under her breath, but I don’t miss a single word.
“That’s different.”
“How?”
I look away. “We’ve talked about this before.”
“Correct, and I failed to understand the logic in your argument then and I will probably fail again now.”
“Not you failing at something when you’ve always been such an over-achiever,” I tease and also hope it provides a change of conversation topic.
“Me? Don’t you meanyou? You’re the one who was a multi-millionaire by the time you were twenty-five.”
“Which I hate,” I add quickly.
“You didn’t hate it at the time,” Radia says.
“I didn’t love it as much as you think. And it cost me in the long run, didn’t it?”
Radia’s shoulders fall with a sigh, but then rise again on a deep inhale. “Rami, you need to move on from that chapter of your life. Bad things happened. There was pain, and loss, and suffering, but you’re out of it now. You’re making amends and you’ve moved on. You’ve got a good job, and you’ve got Jake.”
I listen to what she’s saying but for some reason the words don’t offer much reassurance. They don’t calm the simmering unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach that has been lingering since yesterday became another missed opportunity to share my truth with Jake. But that’s how it had to be. Yesterday was all about Jake and his struggles. It would have been so wrong to open up about mine at the same time.
“I don’t think I can ever forgive myself,” I say still looking out the window. I feel the weight of every word because it’s the first time I’ve said it out loud.
“For Baba?” Radia asks gently.
“Yeah.”
Radia holds my eye contact and leans forward, her chin extended. “Well, that’s not good enough.”
I snap my head to look at her. “Pardon?”
She flicks her wrist at me and the black-and-white pattern of her houndstooth suit jacket flashes before my eyes. “You’re going to have to try and find a way to forgive yourself, Rami. Because we all have already.”
“But how can I? I abandoned you all when you needed me most.”
“Rami, we had each other. We weren’t on our own. Yes, we wanted you here and of course Baba wanted to see you before he died. But that’s not the way it played out, and as I’ve said before, I understand why you did what you did.”
I lean forward so only she can hear my response. “But… but how can you? What I did… it was madness.”
“Yep, it’s pretty out-there. Nobody is denying that. But guess what? So is being world famous by your mid-twenties. That is not a normal thing to happen to someone and you didn’t exactly have many people helping you out with that. Apart from Gee. And then you met Michelle…”
I bite my lip and look out of the window. I don’t want to hear this but I know I have to.
“As much as I despise the woman now, I recognise that Michelle gave you things you needed, and things we couldn’t give you because we were on the other side of the Atlantic. She gave you support, love, care… And Gee was the friend you needed too. He knew what it was like being famous, and I do believe he cared about you. They both did, at a time, but they also had other motives.”
“They weren’t all bad,” I say but I can’t ignore the unease I feel defending them both.
“Maybe not. But they are still there, aren’t they? They’re still taking money from people and promising them things they aren’t qualified to deliver on.”
I shake my head. “They’re not wholly to blame. I have to take responsibility for my own actions, and the consequences.”
“That’s true, but it’s also valid that you were impressionable and vulnerable, and they took advantage of that.”
I shake my head as I watch rain droplets slip down the windowpane. “They have their own problems. Michelle grew up with so much pressure to achieve, and Gee, he barely had a family,” I say before changing my tone purposefully. “Unlike me who had a loving family I just ignored and abandoned.”
“Because that’s what they told you to do!” Radia slaps a hand on the table.
