Page 103 of The Moon Also Rises
This comment has a sobering effect on me. “Why wouldn’t you believe me?”
Jake pulls back a little more. “I don’t know. People say sex is good all the time. It’s like the standard parting ritual.Great sex, thanks so much, see you never.”
“Except, I’m not going anywhere,” I say, running my nose against his.
“Well, you do live here,” Jake says in his joking voice.
“I want to kiss you again.” I’m not in the mood for banter.
“We’re ruining dinner.”
He has a point albeit one I am willing to ignore. I run my hands to the front of his trousers and find what I’m looking for.
“I want to make you feel good,” I say.
Jake pulls his hips back. “Maybe later.”
I stare into his chestnut eyes and find them a little duller than I would like. There’s something there I sense but can’t name. Whatever it is, it makes me back off.
“Okay.” I make a mental note to not let Jake dodge me later. I quickly go back to making dinner while Jake and I make small talk. It doesn’t take long for us to be seated at one corner of the island with full plates in front of us. From his first mouthful, I can tell Jake is both impressed and surprised by what he tastes.
“You can cook,” he says with an arched eyebrow.
“I try.”
“Did you cook a lot in LA? I’ve always imagined it’s a place where people eat out a lot. Especially working in hospitality.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I rarely cooked at home. I think that’s why I enjoy it so much now.” Not to mention how we were only ‘permitted’ to eat raw vegan food in the desert. Any other permeation of nutrition was deemed sub-standard and capable of tainting the “pure vessels” our bodies needed to be. I shudder not because of the ridiculous notion, but because I can still tap into the part of me that was happy to believe it. I’m not yet comfortable even thinking about eating animal products again, let alone trying to do so.
As we eat in silence, and possibly to distract myself from more memories of RemiX, I find myself looking at Jake more than I’d care to admit, watching his jaw work and his eyes close as he savours the flavours. I shouldn’t find it erotic, but it only adds to the returning desire I feel thinking about all the things I’m going to do to him later.
“So, I don’t want you to think I was snooping…” Jake says out of nowhere and my line of thought quickly halts. “But I found your guest room by accident earlier and I saw all your boxes. Your boxes of records.”
“Oh,” I say. I know this is as incriminating a response as any, but my brain is simply not working fast enough to come up with something better.
“What’s the story there?” Jake asks, an intrigued tilt to his head.
I think about telling him everything, really I do. It’s the perfect opportunity, I see that clearly, but then I also see the way he’s looking at me – curious, caring, hopeful – and I just know telling him everything will wipe all of that away. I’m not ready for Jake to not think of me as somebody other than the confident, assured man who has the power to make him come undone in his arms.
I suck in a breath.
“Well, I just haven’t really gotten around to getting them out and I was also thinking of getting rid of some,” I reply and this is partly true.
“Why? You must have collected them for a reason.”
“Some of them belong to my father,” I say, another truth. “That’s actually how my collection first started. He gave me some of his duplicate vinyl, a long time ago.”
“Then you mustn’t get rid of those.”
“No, I won’t, but some of the others…” And I drift off because how can I tell him I need to get rid of these records because I’m never going to be that person again. Lunar. Award-winning DJ. One of the best-selling music artists of the mid-2000s. And the man who threw it all away, and so much more, to join a cult.
“You have plenty of space in this apartment, Rami. Maybe you don’t need to get rid of as much as you think. I’m guessing those shelves were installed just for those records…” He nods behind us to the empty purpose-built unit lining the wall behind the sofa.
“Yeah, they were.”
“So, just get them on display. And maybe start playing some of them too. You clearly love music.”
You have no idea,I want to say but I don’t.
