Page 101 of The Moon Also Rises
I drop my phone to my lap. I’ve not even begun to formulate a suitable response when a buzz tells me another message has arrived.
A burst of guilt stabs inside me and I can only imagine how hard Roxana found it, not least because she probably doesn’t fully understand why I feel the need to lie to my mom, or why I don’t want Jake knowing certain things about my past. Truth be told, I don’t even understand it fully.
I message back to my sister.
I joke.
Radia messages back instantly and I can almost hear her saying the words.
No, I’m not,I want to roar back at her.I have to pay my dues. I have to amend for what I did. I have to keep life as calm and normal as possible for myself and everyone else I love.
I change the subject rather than respond.
The noise that leaves my mouth is half-groan, half-laughter.
I type back, because I really do. I then open my latest chat with Roxie and text her the same thing, while also apologising for making today more difficult for her.
She texts back immediately.
I shake my head and pocket my phone, but as I do it vibrates in my hand.
My sister messages and the smile it puts on my face stays there as I rest my head on Jake’s and fall asleep.
*****
There’s a moment when we’re walking to the Tube when I think Jake is going to change his mind and head in the opposite direction back to his flat, but he doesn’t. He just walks by my side as I lead us into the station. Maybe I do it in celebration, but once we’re through the ticket barriers, I take his hand and hold it in mine. And when we stand on the escalator, descending to the platform, Jake turns to face me from his lower step and wraps his hands around my waist. The escalator’s end comes far too soon.
Back at home, I am quick to instruct Jake to sit on the couch while I go about making him a ginger tea as I noticed he started sniffling again this afternoon. Once he’s settled drinking his tea and looking at a coffee table book of Annie Leibovitz portraits – handily not the one that features a photo of me – I go to the fridge to decipher what we can have for dinner.
“Marinaded tempeh with new potatoes and asparagus sound okay?”
“Sounds very elaborate for a quick and easy dinner.”
“Who said anything about being quick and easy?”
Jake lifts his head from the book. “Are we still talking about food?”
I snort loudly and then start moving around the kitchen preparing the vegetables and the fish.
“Can I watch you cook?” Jake’s voice is louder and I look up and see him standing at the island. Again, I find myself thinking how perfectly at home he looks.
“Sure,” I say and as he sits, I let my eyes wander over his body, especially as I believe he’s opened a few buttons on his shirt, or rather my shirt that he borrowed so he’d have something clean to wear to my mom’s.
