Page 141 of The Moon Also Rises
“I need some fresh air,” I say, thinking if I can just go outside and meditate for a few minutes I’ll feel so much calmer to think about what needs to happen next.
Radia nods at me and I’m about to go but Roxie jolts forward and throws her arms around me.
“Seriously, that was like the most fun, ever!” she says and she kisses my cheek.
Roxie’s embrace and her beatific smile are great comfort in the chaos. They’re a reminder that although Jake was at the forefront of my mind when I returned to the UK, my sisters and my mother are as close a second as you could get. And I will always come home to them.
When I leave the courtyard, the comparative quiet of the lobby is sobering but my mind is still busy as I search for Jake on the couches and in the corners. He’s not here. When I walk outside, I stop at the top step, standing slightly to the side and close my eyes. I do three long and deep Ayurvedic breaths and feel the tight grip on my nervous system ease a little. When I open my eyes, I expect to see the traffic I hear and people coming and going from the hotel, but all I see is Jake and Jenna sitting on the bottom step, their backs to me and her arm around his shoulder.
Immediately, I take a step down, eager to speak to him, to check he’s okay, but then I stop myself. He has his sister. If he needed me, he would have sought me out. I should go back and wait in the lobby and leave it up to him whether he wants to talk to me tonight. I repeat what I’ve been telling myself ever since I boarded the plane for LA two months ago; I will fight for Jake, but I will also wait if that’s what’s required. I’ll do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes.
I turn around to walk back inside but a voice stops me.
“Got another plane to catch?”
I smile at his tone – the same stinging sarcasm that caught my attention the first day I met him – and I take another deep breath before I turn around. Jenna and Jake are still sitting but they are turned towards me. While Jenna has a sympathetic smile on her face, Jake’s mouth can’t seem to decide whether to frown or pout.
“Hi, Jake,” I say and I sound as pathetic as I feel. There are so many more things I want to say to him but now he’s finally engaged in a conversation with me, I have no clue where to start.
Jenna stands up. “I’ll go back inside,” she says, brushing her hands against her hips. As she passes me, she squeezes my arm and I hope one day I can tell her how much that means to me. It’s the thinnest slice of hope but it’s one I desperately need.
When I look back at Jake, I see he’s standing up too, adjusting his suit with what is now a definite and furious pout. And yet he still looks so, so good.
“Happy birthday,” I say tentatively. “I’m sorry I didn’t get you anything but…”
“I think you’ve done enough,” Jake bites out and while the words are sour, his face doesn’t hold onto the same fury anymore. He looks more lost than anything.
“Can we talk?” I ask him, suddenly frozen on the spot even though my whole body wants to rush down the steps to him.
“You don’t want to communicate with me through the medium of dance like you just did? Or considering how many people you roped in to join you, should we call it a flash mob? I’m not sure what the rules are on flash mobs. How many bodies does one need for such a thing?”
“Jake, I… Could we go inside? Sit down?”
“I’m fine here,” he says and at that moment we both smile awkwardly at a couple walking up the steps.
“Okay,” I say after they’ve gone. In all the ways I imagined our reunion would go, it never went like this, with us outside in the dark on some stone steps, illuminated by the streetlights and passing cars. I glance up at the night sky and find the moon high in the sky. It’s a full moon just like there was on the night we first kissed. It gives me another sliver of hope to cling on to.
I watch Jake as I take two steps down to get closer but stop when he speaks.
“So, a cult, huh?”
“Yeah,” I say and I am not shocked he knows. I am only sorry I didn’t tell him myself, that I wasn’t ready when I should have been. “I should have told you.”
“Yes, you fucking should have,” he says and while his words have a bite, I can’t say for certain it’s pure anger.
I swallow and hold his gaze. “There are a lot of reasons why I didn’t, but none of them can excuse what I did. I went to rehab to try and address some of these reasons. And I’ve been working on it, on myself.”
Jake’s lips press together so tightly it looks painful. “Rehab? How very LA of you.”
My body lifts in a light laugh. This man and his humour. “So, I guess you also know about the DJ thing?”
Jake rolls his eyes. “’DJ thing’, Rami you’ve won Grammy awards. Why the hell wouldn’t you tell me about that?”
“If you knew about that then you’d have ended up knowing about everything else. I know it’s wrong, but I just wasn’t ready.”
“And I wasn’t ready for feeling quite as foolish as I have since I found out. Honestly, when I think about you doing the whole ‘DJ thing’ at Lionel’s wedding… What an idiot I was. You had me thinking you were some amateur who was honoured to do a last-minute wedding set.”
“Iwashonoured to do that wedding set,” I say truthfully.
