Page 134 of The Moon Also Rises
“That’s the first time you’ve actually called it what it is,” she says bluntly and I see from the self-satisfied look on her face she’s achieved what she set out to with these jokes. “I’d say rehab worked.”
I think about how the words were always too heavy to leave my throat whenever it came to telling Jake and I know she’s right. And I also can’t deny how much the urge to tell Jake is fast becoming an obsession. It’s all I think about. It’s why I’ve written countless draft emails and text messages, but didn’t send any of them. I have to tell him to his face. If he ever lets me get in front of his face again.
“So, can we talk business now? I’ve enquired about your welfare, so I can tick that item off the to-do list.” She says this with no sarcasm and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was indeed on her list for the day.
“Go ahead,” I say putting my coffee down.
“You’ve read through everything I sent, right? What did you think about the proposed locations? The dates? We have some wriggle room on those as long we make decisions before the end of September. A January start date would also give you plenty of time to get back in the studio—”
I hold my hand up. “Wait a minute, you want me to do an albumbefore the tour starts?”
“Come on, Rami, get your head back in the game and out of the watercolour painting and flower arranging you were doing in rehab. You know you need an album for this tour to really make us the money we all want it to—”
I shake my head. “Money is the last thing I want from this tour.”
“Well, that makes only one of us. Nix and I have got our eyes on a lovely ranch in Montana.”
“What would you do with a ranch?”
Cassie shrugs. “Stay on it a few weeks a year. Buy chaps to wear while we look at the horses. We already have the fedoras and cowboy boots.”
I’d forgotten how she has an answer for everything. “Cassie, I’m not sure I want to do another album. Playing is a different story. I’m keen to do that again, but I don’t want to play my own music. I want to go back to my roots. I want to do a really varied, vibrant set. Switch up night by night too.”
“Rami, that sounds charming… for a prom. But you’re not going to be playing proms. You’re going to be playing the biggest stadiums in the biggest cities of the world. Your old school fans will want to relive their misspent youth with all your hits from back in the day, and then we want to get a whole new generation of butts on seats with some new material. Don’t tell me you don’t have it in you. Nobody pulls a good tune out of their ass like you do.”
I almost don’t care if she sees me flinch as I fidget in my seat. It’s not the way she’s talking to me, or even what she’s saying, it’s more this over-arching assumption that I’m just going to give her what she wants. But what about whatIwant?
I want to DJ again, yes, but on my own terms. Do I want to tour the world and reconnect with fans who I abandoned just as abruptly as I did my own family? Yes, part of me would love to do that. Am I ready to bear the media scrutiny that will certainly come with that? Yes, sort of. I finally feel able to do it in a way that will serve me rather than feed the machines that get rich off me. And I’m currently staring at one of the hungriest, greediest machines. A machine who does care about me on one level or another, but not as much as she cares about her bank balance, or a ranch in Montana, apparently.
“Cassie,” I lean forward, “I am going to need a bit more time to think about this. The recording part, I mean.”
She starts to scroll around again, this time on her iPad. “How much time? Shall we schedule a meeting for next week?”
“No,” I say. “I’ll be gone by next week.”
“Gone where?”
“Back to the UK.”
“Oh, not that dump.” She curls up her top lip.
“That dump is my home,” I say, and my thoughts of Jake have never been clearer, or more colourful.
Cassie points her finger at me. “I am not letting you leave without your signature on a very lucrative contract.”
I have to hide my smile because I’ve got her where I want her.
“If you can forego the album requirement, and the exact tour length and locations can be TBC, you can have all my signatures.”
“Rami, Rami, Rami, you’re throwing away hundreds of thousands of dollars. Millions potentially if the album takes off.”
“I don’t want any more money,” I say.I want Jake, I finish in my mind. I want Jake and I want to see my mother and my sisters again. I want Jake and I want to tell him everything. I want Jake and I want to spend the rest of my life making up for some of the hurt I’ve caused him.
Cassie narrows her eyes at me. “Sounds to me like you’re still brainwashed, but I will see what I can do.”
“Thank you, I appreciate that,” I say and I stand up to leave.
“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” She looks at me appalled. “We still haven’t gone through the list of tour managers I think will be almost as good as me.”
