Page 120 of The Moon Also Rises
It’s hard to say what’s more difficult for me to admit; that I abandoned my family of my own will, or that I was persuaded to do so by others who claimed to have my best interests at heart. Both possibilities make my head and heart hurt.
“I don’t want to fight about this,” I say.
“Me neither.” Radia sits back, briefly adjusting her gold hijab around her hairline. “What does Jake think about it all?”
My silence is very loud and telling.
“Please tell me you’ve told him by now.” Radia’s brows pull together in disbelief.
I force a brittle smile. “I could tell you that, but I’d be lying.”
“Oh, Rami.” Radia sighs with audible disappointment.
“Jake has his own stuff going on right now,” I say, thinking back to the way we spent the whole of yesterday talking about his debt, discussing ways we could come up with a repayment plan, and after that when he was so drained and exhausted from it all, I just held him and stroked his hair as he fell asleep.
“So what? We all have stuff going on. The whole point of a relationship is that you share your loads with each other.” Radia lifts a pointed finger and wags it at me. “And don’t you dare try and make that into a filthy joke. My sensitive lesbian guts would not be able to stand it.”
I don’t even laugh at the innuendo. It suddenly feels like there isn’t much to smile or laugh about.
“I will tell Jake,” I say.
Radia makes sure I’m looking at her again before she replies, “You better do it soon. Before it’s too late.”
As if to punctuate the doom in Radia’s words, the train jolts once, twice, and then slowly starts to move off. As the fields start rolling by again, a soft buzzing pulls my attention to my phone on the table, but it’s not lit up. Radia instead is bringing hers to her ear.
“BARISTA BABE!” Radia says and has that giddy grin back on her face.
While I smile back at her and feel a little flip of excitement for my sister and her new relationship, I can’t deny that most of my body is feeling almost nauseated with what my sister and I just discussed, and it’s not because these are new topics of consideration for me. More that they’ve been haunting my sub-conscious for weeks, and more recently my very conscious thoughts.
There’s the issue of coming out to my mother and then there’s also the fact I haven’t told Jake about my past. I so desperately want to tell myself that they’re separate issues, but my gut knows they’re not. Both of these problems – problems that involve various levels of deception and lying – relate to one key issue; my fear of disappointing people, especially those I love.
Because, yes, I think I love Jake.
The thing is, my fear of disappointing those I love isn’t irrational. Because Ihavedisappointed people I love in the past. I disappointed my parents and sisters when I cut them off to join RemiX. Even before that I’d intentionally created distance between us by moving to LA. And with Jake, I am terrified of him seeing a version of me – the real me – and it not being who he thinks I am. I’m frightened of not being the man he wants. Whether it's in the bedroom, or now with his battle with debt, Jake needs me to be strong for him. Jake needs me to support him, not the other way around. Jake needs to know I won’t let him down. And yet, by keeping a huge part of myself from him, aren’t I already letting him down? How can I applaud and support him in being honest about his own struggles, when I have been keeping my own challenges locked away in a bunker of my deep, dark shame? Jake is not a man who suffers fools lightly, and I don’t blame him. It’s one of the many things that I like, no, love about him.
It's for that very reason I feel trapped. Because if I tell him, I risk losing him. But if I don’t tell him, the risk is just as real if not greater. There is no way out of this, not without risking losing Jake. And I can’t make sense of it. I can’t figure out the right thing to do.
It’s like my thoughts are not my own and my true feelings, wants and desires are slipping further and further out of reach. It’s like when I was in RemiX.
The panic I feel at this realisation is interrupted by another vibrating noise. This time a short and sharp one that indicates a new email. Somewhat relieved to have a distraction from the hopeless direction of my inner thoughts, I check my phone. I keep staring and blinking at the front screen and the small extract of a new email that appears in the notification there.
Subject: LUNAR ECLIPSE: THE COMEBACK WORLD TOUR (This is not a drill!)
Rami, don’t be a dick and delete this before you even…
I read these two lines four, maybe five times before I swallow the lump in my throat and with my heart beating loudly throughout my body, I open the email and read.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Jake
Aweek is a really long time when you’re waiting to ask someone to be your boyfriend. Even the minor PR crisis of a group of prankster influencers setting fire to our farmhouse hotel in Gloucestershire didn’t help pass the time, nor did the way I demanded Sharon hide my phone from me all Thursday and Friday because I’d gotten to the point where I was only taking my next breath for a possible message from Rami. Not that she knew that. At least I don’t think she knew it.
It's not like Rami and I haven’t been in touch, but while he was in Belfast for the week-long arts festival that was being held in our three properties there, he was busier than I would like so I’d sometimes have to wait an hour or two for a message from him. And they were long, long hours. I’m not usually this needy for attention and contact, but when I’ve spent this whole week effectively getting my life in order and doing so because I want to make Rami proud, I’ve felt a little desperate for some, or any kind of reassurance. And Rami has been offering me reassurance. His messages are always kind and are signed off with multiple Xs. He’s annoyingly lacking in the humour department still, but this week I’d rather have had one hundred ‘I’m thinking of you’ or ‘How’s my boy today?’ messages than witty but pointless banter.
But now it’s Saturday and I am waiting for Rami in a restaurant that has more white linen than a hotel’s store cupboard. I only got here twenty minutes early which I think is respectable considering I’ve been ready for the date since over two hours ago.
Our date.Our first real date.
