Page 11 of The Moon Also Rises
No, we do not but I can’t bail now. I’ve promised him I’ll be there, and I don’t want to break my promise. I owe him that much.
“I actually think it would help bring me closure.” I toss another lie in Anita’s direction.
“I’m curious. What was it about your relationship with Lionel that makes you think it could have possibly worked out otherwise?” Anita asks in her silky voice.
“Oh, I didn’t say that it would have worked out in the long run. I don’t eventhinkthat. Of course, we wouldn’t have worked out. It would have failed eventually.”
“You say that like it’s a foregone conclusion.”
“Because it is. Or rather it was. And I proved this when I slept with someone else, didn’t it?” I say a little self-righteously but a second later I’m cringing as I recall the way Lionel’s face fell when I’d told him what I’d done. Pain lances my insides as I remember how the light in his eyes was snuffed out and his mouth shrank as if to stop any words from ever escaping. At the time, I’d thought telling him was the decent thing to do – we were never an official couple, after all – but there was nothing decent in how either of us felt when I dug up whatever seed of a thing we had and threw it away.
“I seem to recall you saying Lionel was willing to work through it. Have you had any more thoughts about why you didn’t want to do that?”
I groan at the reminder and it zaps me of the energy I need to lie. “Because I would have just been delaying the inevitable.” I shake my head and straighten up in my chair. People leave me. That’s just what happens. Especially people like Lionel. “Lionel was always too good for me. Too pure. Too innocent.”
Anita levels me one of her most serious looks. “So, what does that make you?”
After a quick tut, I can’t stop my hands coming along for the ride as I try to stop this line of questioning. I know exactly what she’s doing.
“Look, I know I’m not inherently bad. I know I am enough just as I am, that I’m worthy of love and all that rubbish, but trust me, Lionel is made of different stuff. He’s sweet. He’s kind. He would never sleep with the random Greek man who delivered our cold meats and cheeses no matter how sinewy his forearms.”
“Jake—”
“Look, I’m kidding, okay? I know that although I did a bad thing, that doesn’t make me bad. And I know that Lionel has moved on from it all. I mean it was two years ago and he’s getting married now. Married! He really couldn’t have moved further past it. And I want to show him that I’ve done the same by going to his wedding.”
“And you’ll go with this new friend of yours?”
“Friend? Which new friend?” I lean forward to lift my glass of water and take a sip.
Anita consults her notes. “Rami.”
Jesus, why did she write his name down? He’s hardly a big deal.
“He’s not my new friend. He’s just someone I work with.” I almost add“whose presence gets on my nerves a lot”but then realise that would be unfair, and possibly untrue. “Well, I did say no to his offer, but considering none of my friends are stepping up, he may be my only option. I mean, on paper it even looks like a good idea. He works in events, has probably planned thousands of flashy weddings so he’ll know exactly what is expected of the whole day. And he mentioned that he doesn’t drink either so I don’t even have to worry about him ending up in a bush with a member of the wedding party, or face-planting in the chocolate fountain like some of my lightweight friends probably would. And he’ll look ever so smart in a tux. It actually could be win-win.”
“Jake, are you telling me this because you would like this to maybe result in a… romantic relationship with Rami?”
“God, no!” I splutter, horrified at the thought of even trying to flirt with such a two-dimensional man. “No, I’m telling you because I want to check if it’s a smart thing to do, going to Lionel’s wedding or if it’s yet another chapter in my self-sabotage story.”
Anita takes a moment to consider this. “Of course, it’s more important whatyouthink but I don’t think you need to worry about self-sabotage. Perhaps he can also support you as your friend through it. It actually sounds like a great opportunity to be vulnerable with someone.”
“Right. It’s not like I’d be dragging Rami there in order to pretend he’s my new boyfriend who I’m madly in love with, just to maybe try and reassure Lionel that I too have moved on. No, it’s not like I’m doing that.”
Anita’s face folds in a frown. “Jake, you’re not planning on doing that, are you?”
“No.” I wave a hand at her and hear a light wheeze in my laugh. “Of course not. I was just trying to make you laugh.”
“We’ve talked about this, Jake. You don’t come here to make me laugh.” Anita’s eyes lift to the clock behind my head. “Or to talk about made-up scenarios that we both know you’re sensible enough to avoid.”
“Right,” I mutter and ignore the heat climbing up my neck. “Anyway, Daddy Issues, huh?”
Chapter Four
Rami
When my working in Jake’s office rolled into its second week – the discovery of asbestos in “the dungeon” meaning I wouldn’t be relocating there for months potentially – I started going on walks to give us both space from one another. It hasn’t been a huge hardship. My body has appreciated the regular exercise and if I time it right, I can get back shortly after Jake’s disappeared to the company gym, meaning we then only have to brave a couple of hours sharing the same breathing space before I leave around six o’clock.
It’s also helped me feel more for this gigantic city that seems to have no end and no beginning. Yes, LA was big, but it wasn’t like London. In Los Angeles, you drove everywhere and the centre of the city, rightly or wrongly, was an area you avoided, not the heart of its metropolis like it is in London. That being said, it’s the perfect city to walk in. There is always so much to see, so much to observe and discover. And as I walk, I jump in on group calls with my team who I am slowly starting to trust myself leading, and I also dictate emails and communications for my remote assistant Rebecca to type up and send. It suits me, working like this. I have never worked a job where I had to sit behind a desk all day every day and I was relieved when Bill and Simeon said that I didn’t need to in this role either. They just care that I get the work done, and right now, that’s all I care about too. I’ve started to tell myself if I can keep working like this, I may begin to enjoy the work a bit more too.
