Page 35 of Christmas Sunrise
"Good. Then we're going to have to ride out these moments. The panic. The fear. The stress. I’d say it's just the beginning of years of such moments if we do indeed become parents. But can we also agree on one other thing, Jenna?"
Another nod. But my tears have slowed now and, as I look up at Marty, a golden glow of brand-new daylight lights up his dark features and the mistiness in my eyes makes him look a little dreamlike, an ethereal vision, and yet I know he's real. He's so beautifully real. He’s the one I love most in the world.
"We won't let this ruin us. Not as individuals or as a couple. It can break us. Like, that's okay. It can make us feel sad and cry and feel pain and whatever. We’re allowed to fall apart. But it can'ttearusapart. And I think that means that we have to feel all those things together, as much as we possibly can."
"I know it means that," I agree. I know this professionally from the books I've read and case studies I've examined, but I also know it in my heart, which has always been my guiding compass in life. "And I promise you I will try to do this. I don't want this to tear us apart. If anything, that's what scares me more than anything."
"Me too, cupcake," Marty says and both his hands find mine, locking our fingers together. "So let's work hard to not let that happen."
A lump lodges in my throat but I push past it because in the spirit of honesty I need to ask Marty something. "Do you want us to stop trying? Explore other options? Is the stress too much for you, because I understand if it is?"
He shakes his head and his smile is soft. "I don't want to stop trying yet. It's only been a year."
"But my age—" I begin.
"I know how old you are, Jenna." His voice has an edge to it. An edge that thrills me as much as it threatens me. "Doyouwant to stop trying? I think only you can decide that."
"I don't want to stop trying," I say. "Not yet."
"Then we'll keep going. But we'll keep checking in with each other, right?"
"Right," I agree, squeezing his fingers.
"Come here." He yanks me against him again. A second later, AJ returns and starts barking at our ankles and so we open up to let him stand between us, which placates him. I turn my head so I can look out across the sloped stretch of grass we're standing at the peak of, and beyond it to the rolling hills of County Wicklow. So many times we've stood like this and watched the sunset on a warm summer's evening, but now it's the very opposite time; sunrise in the thick of winter. While the increasing daylight brings more of the park into focus, including a handful of other dog walkers scattered around the grass, it doesn't bring much warmth and I start to wriggle my toes in my boots. But still, I don't move. There is too much contentment in where I'm stood, watching the world wake up on Christmas Day.
As if by instinct, our bodies turn to look eastwards. Though the sky is full of grey clouds, we can see the golden orange glow of the sun rising above the city. We may not be able to see the perfect outline of the sun itself, but we know it’s there. Just like our love for one another, we may not be able to see it, but we know it's here.
"So, are you still…" Marty asks as we stay locked in our embrace.
"Am I still what?"
"Ovulating."
I smile into his coat. "Yes, I am."
"Well, I have about an hour before I need to be in the kitchen."
"That's like four babies we could make," I say and I don't know if my joke will land. I don't want jokes to cheapen the moment we've just had, but I also want us to be us, a couple who have always used humour as a way to connect.
Marty's hands slide down to grip my ass. "One thing's for sure, as well as all the stress and uncertainty, I have to admit, this whole chapter is giving me a serious breeding kink." He leans down and starts to kiss my neck. Just before I close my eyes, I look around for Rocky.
"Oh, shit," I say, biting back a smile.
"Yes, I'm half hard already. Don't hate the player, Jenna, hate the game." Marty rocks his groin against me.
"No, it's not that. It's Rocky. He's taking a dump over there."
Marty groans as he straightens up and looks in the direction of my gaze. "I swear to God, dog, your timing is pure shite!"
"Speaking of." I dig my hand into my pocket and pull out a roll of plastic bags. I pull one off and hand it to Marty. "It's your turn."
"Where the fuck do you think you're going?" Marty gapes at me as I move away from him.
"Getting a head start," I say, walking backwards.
"You know I'll catch up with you." He points a finger at me as he heads towards where Rocky is kicking up dirt with his back feet.
"I'm counting on it," I say and with a cheek-aching smile on my face, I turn to jog away with AJ at my heels.
