Page 28 of Christmas Sunrise
"Yes, that Japanese set you've been saving up for."
My stomach lurches again but this time whatever it is that sinks heavily to the bottom stays there. I know exactly which set she got me. I've been going on about them for months.
"Did you not open your present? That's not really how it works, you know." Dad comes to sit down opposite me after putting a mug in front of me.
I groan softly, more at myself than at his sarcasm. "It made me look stupid. We said no gifts and there she was with one, and turns out it's something I've been wanting to buy myself for months now..."
"So why did you fight? Why did you not just say thank you and cross those knives off your list?" Dad asks.
"Because I didn't get her anything, like we agreed, and then we somehow started talking about the baby and—"
My mother slams her hands down on the table. "Jenna's pregnant?!"
"No." I roll my eyes as I reach for my coffee. "She's not. And that's what we ended up fighting about. Jenna thinks I'm upset that she hasn't gotten pregnant yet and that I will be crushed if it never happens and I..." I stop talking.
"You know she's right," Mum finishes in a soft voice.
"Partially, yes."
Mum's other hand comes to grip mine and I squeeze her back. "You're allowed to be sad that Jenna hasn't gotten pregnant yet, and you're allowed to be sad if it never happens."
"I am?" My eyes open wide.
"Of course, you are. If it doesn't happen, you and Jenna will both have to grieve that loss, and you know better than most how grief works."
"Ugh." I groan again. "Grief is the worst."
"No, it's not. Grief is..."
"Love," I finish for her, and my gaze is steady now.
"Exactly. We’ve all talked endlessly, about how Jenna’s age means it may be very difficult or risky to get pregnant, and we’ve all discussed how you have other options to have a family so don’t forget all these things, and I know you both know all this, but perhaps you need to remind yourselves of something else."
"What?"
"You may not have your baby, but you still have each other. Don’t let that be the price you pay for what may still be possible, one way or another."
"I get that, Ma, but I don’t know if Jenna does. It’s different for her. It’s her body. For so long she’s been relaxed about the whole thing but last night she was anything but and I don’t know if I can tell her what she needs to hear to reassure her."
I’m looking at my mother for her response but it’s my father who speaks. "Well, not saying anything is a sure-fire way of fucking it up."
"Pardon?" I turn to him.
"Running away from it isn’t going to make Jenna feel like you care."
"But what can I say?" I say, my tone genuinely imploring. "I don’t want to say it doesn’t bother me because it does, but at the same time I don’t want her to think it’s her fault or that I blame her for a single second, because I don’t."
"Say that." Mum squeezes my hand again. "Say exactly that. Tell her you love her and you will always be here for her – baby or no baby – and also just talk about how you’re feeling. Maybe you both need to read her book again."
I huff out a quick laugh.
"And you can always talk to us, Aidey. When it’s not a good time to tell Jenna how you’re feeling. We’re here. After you, it took a while for me to get pregnant with Maeve, and it’s hard work trying to conceive. Lots of pressure. Lots of unknowns. Lots of stress."
I can’t stop my side smile. "Actually, it’s often quite a lot of fun," I say, thinking back to yesterday morning. And just like that, I’m suddenly desperate to get back to Jenna to apologise and have some unforgettable make-up sex.
"You’ve got your sense of humour back." Dad raises his coffee at me and I nod back.
Necking the rest of my drink, I give Mum’s hands one last squeeze before I stand.
