Page 24 of Christmas Sunrise
"We agreed no gifts, Jenna. You know money is still a little tight. We want to re-do the bathroom and we're saving for the baby and there are just so many other things we should putting money aside for right now."
Both Marty's bitter tone and what he's saying sound so foreign to me, I'm left blinking as I process it all.
"We have money, Marty," I say.
"No,youhave money," he corrects me and it's a kick in the teeth. I pull my lips closed inside my mouth.
We've had these kinds of discussions before. My savings are something Marty doesn't want me to touch in order to pay for things like refurbishments on our house or stuff we need for the baby. He's always wanted to be 50-50 on everything and we have been, for the most part. But if he insists on my money being my money then he also needs to allow me the freedom to spend it on what I choose.
"Well, if it's my money I can spend it on whatever I want," I say then put my hands on my hips. "Or are you saying I can't spend my money on you?"
"I'm saying we agreed to not give each other a Christmas present, and you ignored that."
"I didn't ignore it," I say but the words sound weak.
"That's exactly what you did." He twists to point at the box that still lies on the end of the bed.
"Jesus Christ, Marty." I come to stand directly in front of him. The anger is in me now. "It's a gift. And a bloody nice one too. Why are you being like this?"
"Why areyoushowing me up like this?" He surprises me by standing up again and his height changes the dynamic instantly. I also notice with considerable sadness that in this whole exchange he hasn't once looked at my body, even though my nipples are completely visible through the lace at the top of the negligee. A second later I curse myself for even thinking that my body and our sexual connection could save this tense conversation that I'm pretty sure could be classified as our first big fight. But then sex is often all I think about these days, and especially when I'm ovulating. However, it looks like tonight is going to be a missed opportunity and this painfully pierces a part of me that isn't already hurting from Marty's outburst.
"All I wanted to do was show you how much I appreciate you. You deserve to have something you love," I say, my voice loud but wobbly.
"Then write me a card, Jenna. Tell me with your words. Jesus, go down on me like you did this morning. But don't make me look like an eejit for not getting you a gift."
"That's why I'm giving it to you now, rather than in front of your parents and Maeve," I point out.
"So you agree it was a fucken stupid thing to do?"
My mouth falls open and the tears that spill out of my eyes sting on their way down.
"You don't need to be such an arsehole about it," I tell him with my hands on my hips again, trying to reclaim some power and dignity despite how emotional I feel.
"Fine, I'm sorry for cursing, but Jesus, Jenna, why did you do it? Why just ignore what we agreed together ages ago."
"Oh, I don't know," I say, tears on my cheeks, heat in my face and a fire in my chest. "Maybe because I love you, Marty. Maybe because I wanted to give you something I know you want. Maybe because I wanted to give you something to make you happy, make you smile, because we both know I can't give you what you really want!"
Marty's head pulls back. "What the fuck are you talking about?"
I've gone too far but I have to finish this. I've got to say what I know I should have said long ago. But it's been too painful to admit. It's still too painful to say it now, but I'm already hurting so what the hell.
"A baby, Marty," I fist the red silk at my stomach, "I may never be able to give you a baby."
Marty's hands lift up and for a blissfully hopeful second I think he's going to reach for me and hold me close to him. I'm crushed once more when instead they come to rest on his own hips. "Is that what this is all about?"
Defeated, I turn and collapse back on the bed and wipe my face with the back of my hands. "Well, isn't it? Isn't that what you want most in the world? And it's possible, likely even, that it will never happen."
It pains me how exasperated he looks as he tips his gaze to the ceiling. "Jenna, we've talked about this over and over again. I am aware it may not happen. And I am okay with that."
"You don't seem okay." I sniff.
A deep groan rumbles out of his body. "Because this all came out of nowhere. The present, this upset about not getting pregnant yet. It's a lot for me to think about and I'm tired and need sleep and tomorrow's going to be a big day so..."
I know then that he's not going to do what he's always done before whenever we have ever come close to a fight. He's not going to reach for me. He's not going to hold me as I cry out this pain that I've kept buried for so long and am stupidly only now letting surface. And part of me understands why. He's hurting too, because what I said is true. He wants a baby more than anything but he's too scared to admit it when I'm sobbing like this. Marty is very good at managing his emotions these days - he's aware, he's mindful and he's patient with himself - but he's still not comfortable with conflicting feelings and right now he's drowning in them. Even if he does want to comfort me, he knows he can't do it by saying the one thing I want to hear.
Because I'm not wrong. He wants a baby more than anything and he may not be okay if it never happens. No amount of award-winning Japanese chef knives is going to compensate for that.
"Just go," I say as I turn and crawl across the bed to my side. Before I slide under the covers, I kick his present off the bed and flinch at the thud it makes when it hits the floor. As I lay my head on the pillow, Iclose my eyes and more tears spill out. "Go sleep downstairs. Please."
