Page 11 of Christmas Sunrise
"She doesn't have a show tonight?"
"Night off," I reply.
"And she wants to spend it with you. That's true love," Marty says and I know he's saying it innocently, jokingly, but it makes something swirl in my stomach. Ah, well, swirling is better than twisting at least.
Instead of standing up, I shuffle to the end of the bed but stay sitting. I look up at Marty who is closer now. He's giving me an odd look as he leans against the door frame.
"When did you know you were bisexual?" I ask quickly before I can stop myself.
If he's surprised, it only registers for a split second before his face melts into a wistful smile.
"You do not want me to answer that question."
"Sure I do," I say. "It's why I asked. Even if you were crazy young, it would just help to—"
"It was about one second before I put my dick in Arnie's arse."
"Jesus Christ, Marty." I close my eyes and look away as if he is the offending image that threatens to invade my mind.
"I told you you didn't want to know."
"Could you not have censored it a bit?" I rub at my eyes before opening them again.
"You can handle it," my brother says as he crosses his arms.
No, I can't. Sometimes I really can't. Sometimes thinking about men and having sex with them makes me feel queasy, and I don't know why that is.
"But you really didn't know until that moment?" I ask.
Marty sighs. "There are different ways of knowing something, I think. Especially when it's about yourself. I think I've always sensed or been aware on some level that I liked all genders, but I didn't admit it to myself until it was literally right in front of me."
I squeeze my eyes shut again. "I'm actually trying to lose the visual, if you don't mind."
"I'm not talking about Arnie's arsehole, I'm talking about how much I wanted him. I was strung out with desire and just feeling so into him. In that moment, there was no denying how I felt."
"So your... your attraction to Arnie, that was easy to pick up on?"
"Not in the beginning. I couldn't make sense of it for years, but when I knew what it was, it was like being hit by a bulldozer falling out of the sky."
"Weird metaphor but fine," I say but it doesn't take long for me to realise that whatever I feel for Arabella, it's not quite like that. In fact, I don't think I've ever felt attraction like that, to anyone.
"Why are you asking?" He straightens up a little.
"No reason," I say and then stand up, eager to avoid any more questions.
"Maeve—" Marty begins.
"I really don't want to talk about it!" I snap as I step closer to him.
Marty's eyes search my face. "I was going to tell you not to forget your bag," he says nodding at the bed behind me.
"Right, sure, thanks," I say, then stretch across the bed to retrieve it.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Marty asks.
"I'm grand. Let's go," I say as I walk straight past him and out of the door.
Chapter Five
