Page 10 of Christmas Sunrise
Neither of us have had much of a love life in recent years, albeit for very different reasons. Arabella is single by choice, but is very much enjoying that by hooking up with like-minded people who only want sex now and then. Meanwhile, I am single by choice because I have finally admitted to myself that most men give me the ick, and I'm not brave enough to try kissing a girl.
Having our single status in common is nowhere close to the main reason Arabella is my best friend - our bond stretches back to childhood when we used to do ballet lessons together - but it really does help that we're both as single as each other right now. Even if it's for very different reasons, there's something comforting in knowing my best friend is in a very similar stage of life as me, especially when it feels like everyone else around me is coupling up, marrying off, or getting knocked up. Those are all things that not only feel so far away for me, but I'm not even sure I want them close.
Well, I'm pretty sure I don't want to have kids and I'm almost certain I'll never get married. As for finding someone and being in a relationship with them, being a couple, well, Ido thinkI want that. I've grown up surrounded by love and people in love. My parents are still very much in love, and Marty and Jenna are completely obsessed with each other, and even before Jenna, Marty was head over heels in love with his first partner, his one-time best friend, Arnie. I grew up watching them fall for each other as teenagers and I've spent the last few years seeing the same thing happening to countless friends. And that's not even including the type of things I see daily on social media; surprise proposals, gender reveals, or just silly couples dancing together in matching Christmas pyjamas. The nauseating loved-up bastards.
Yes, that's why I need days away from my accounts. There's only so many times I can like or comment on a video and not have something bitter-tasting twisting up my insides.
It's the need to ease that twisting feeling that is making me look at these photos of Arabella and it also makes me also open up our latest messages. I scroll back, reading each one.
It's ridiculous to think that we're flirting. We're really not. I know this because flirting is something I'm clumsy and useless at. I either can't see it happening or I'm spending far too long thinking up replies that land too late and too awkwardly for there to be any progression or continuation. One man I dated briefly a few years ago told me he didn't want to see me anymore because he felt like he carried the conversation all the time, and I've never been able to forget that, mostly because I’m almost certain he was right.
I never feel that way with Arabella. With her, the conversation flows and we laugh, a lot. With Bella, we have inside jokes and songs that make us shout out the lyrics to each other. With Bella, I feel warm and like I'm myself. I've never felt that way with any of the men I've dated or slept with.
In the last six months, I've started to wonder if maybe I have more with Arabella than I thought. People fall in love with their best friendsall the time. The TikToks and memes showing this are constant. It happened right under my nose with my brother and Arnie. Even Ma’s told me to try and be friends with someone before I get to know them in another way, and nobody knows me better than Bella. Nobody is a better friend to me than her.
Which is why the idea of changing our friendship into something else is utterly terrifying.
But I want to try. I feel Imusttry. Because frankly, I don't want to spend many more Christmases alone.
I don't know what it is about this time of year that makes me more self-conscious than usual that I'm not part of a couple, but it's a heavy and undeniable ache. An ache I would like to try and soothe, maybe tonight when I tell Arabella I have developed feelings for her.IfI tell her.
I zoom in on a selfie photo I took of Arabella and myself together at a bar we went to at the end of our shopping trip. The rich umber shade of her skin contrasts with my white complexion, albeit tanned from the summer, and our cheeks are pressed together, our smiles as full as can be. Looking at the photo, my gaze lingers on the small gap between her front teeth and I stare into her near-black eyes. Yes, they are eyes I could look into for the longest time.
As if she knows my exact thoughts, a message notification pops up on my screen.
She has typed. She's called me that since we were pre-teens, and I vaguely recall it relating to one day when I was snacking on crisps so greedily they filled my cheeks. Is still using a pet name like that flirting? Is messaging someone that you're excited to see them something you do with a friend or with someone you have other feelings for?
I smile at that. Arabella is currently performing in a pantomime. She's been a professional dancer for over ten years, and I still think it's amazing she pursued her passion for dance to such an extent it's now her full-time job. Once upon a time, I thought I loved dancing as much as she did, but I definitely didn't have the tenacity or dedication to see it through, not like Arabella. Instead, I chose the considerably easier route of making a fool of myself online as an influencer, a term I detest but can’t deny it fits.
Before I have a chance to reply, another message comes through.
After reading that message three times, I put my phone down beside me on my bed. I don't know how that makes me feel. There are the compliments and then there is the way she tells me she loves me, something I know as a fact, but is it purely platonic love? Arabella came out as pansexual years ago and has hooked up with all genders over the years, so I know that anything is possible with her, but does that mean she could possibly be attracted to me? And is she even interested in a longer-term thing with anyone? Just because anything is possible with Arabella, that doesn't mean something is possible between us.
Rolling over on the bed, I press my face into the pillow and groan, loudly for many long seconds.
"Jesus Christ," Marty bursts through my door, "I thought someone was trying to kill you."
I lift my head to glare at him. "Ever heard of knocking?"
"You sounded like you were in pain."
I am,I think, pathetically.
"Just doing some stress relief. It's the same as when you go on hours-long bike rides staring at Dad's arse the whole way."
Marty pulls a face. "Ha! Whenever he's in the lead, which is never! Are you ready to go?"
I push up to sit, grabbing my phone. Marty offered to pick me up and also take me home so I could have a few drinks. Having a sober, soft-hearted brother does come in handy now and then. "Yeah, I guess."
"What time is Arabella coming?"
Pin pricks straighten my back. "Later, around eight."
