Page 43 of Christmas Sunrise
"James, why don't you quit while you're ahead." Ma pats his arm.
"But I wanted to ask everyone a question. It's an easy one."
"If it's a maths puzzle, I'll pass," I say, and shift forward in my seat, ravenous. "Can I start serving up?"
"Just wait, Maevey gravy. I want to know what we all wish for, for the year ahead," Dad says. "I'll go first if that helps."
"If this is about going on that cruise, the answer is still no," Ma mutters.
"No, I wish to get a sub-hour time for the forty-kilometre loop that Marty and I do every Sunday morning."
"Ha! You'll be lucky," Marty says and I watch intently as he lifts a few slices of meat up. Holding my plate up I'm disappointed when he places it on Jake's instead.
"What about you then, boy racer?" Dad challenges him.
Marty's eyes lift to Jenna. "Well, now I have the best set of knives I'll likely ever have, the only thing I wish for is that Jenna and I start our family in the coming year."
I don't know why this melts my insides but it does. I think I'd make a pretty good aunt.
"And I wish for the same." Jenna holds Marty's gaze. "Whatever that looks like."
"And you, Jake?" Da asks.
Jake wriggles on his bottom a bit before answering. "I would like to enjoy my new life in London. But not too much because it’s a very,veryexpensive city. And with that in mind, ideally, I'd like to also not get fired."
We all laugh a little before I look at my mother. "What about you, Ma?"
"Oh, I already have everything I could ever wish for," she says, giving us all an almost sickly smile.
"Come on, Cynthia, there must be something you wish for," Jenna says.
"Well..." Ma pauses. "Of course, I would love to see you and Marty start your family, and I would love to see Maeve settle down a bit—" She holds her hands up when she sees my mouth fall open. "Whatever that looks like, Maeve. And I'd also like to be able to do a forearm stand for at least a minute at yoga, and I'd love for us to spend the money James is saving for that cruise I refuse to do on a new terrace and patio furniture for the garden. And then there are my ongoing attempts at choux pastry—"
"Alright, Ma, we get the picture," I interject and start serving myself roast potatoes now Marty has finally put some meat on my plate.
"Well, what about you, Maeve?" Ma asks me.
I freeze while holding the serving tongs. Should I be honest? Or should I just say something easy and predictable and expected?
I stare at the potatoes as I gather my thoughts and take some slow breaths. "I want to figure stuff out, to feel happier in my own skin. And I want to find love," I say in a small voice but then increase my volume as I wave the tongs around threateningly. "Don't ask me what that means, because I don't know, but I know it's what I wish for. I want to surround myself with more love."
There's a long moment of silence before Jenna speaks. "I think that’s something we should all wish for."
Da coughs and tucks his paper back in his pocket. "Well, why don't we drink to that?"
And that's exactly what we do.
*****
It's many hours later when I'm finally alone back in Marty and Jenna's spare room. We’ve spent the day eating, drinking, playing board games and doing silly videos using the rotating phone holder and ring light my parents bought me for Christmas. My sides hurt from laughing so much and I can feel that the warmth of all the good food, decent champagne and hilarious conversation has settled inside me. I've just finished gathering my things to go back to Ma and Da's but instead of heading back downstairs, I'm sitting on the bed holding my phone out in front of me. Staring at the screen, I push the Live button before I can stop myself.
"Hey everyone, and Happy Christmas, or as we say here in Ireland,Nollaig Shona." I lift my glass to the camera. "I've possibly had a few champagnes too many and maybe that's why I feel compelled to do this, or maybe it's because I've just enjoyed the loveliest, merriest Christmas dinner with my family, but I wanted to share something with you today. It's not my usual content but I hope you'll forgive me. Maybe you'll even like it or find some comfort in it. Maybe it will help you feel less alone too. That's sort of what I'm hoping will happen, because for a long time I've been feeling a bit lonely and a bit low about something."
I pull in a deep breath and feel part of it lodge in my throat, but I keep talking. "You see... I don't really date men. I've always told you that I choose to keep my personal life private, because that's exactly what it is, my private life, and I stand by that for good reason, but the truth is that I never really had much of a private life to share, even if I wanted to. I haven't dated anyone in years and I haven't really even had many crushes, and the ones I have had have gone a bit... wrong, to say the least." On the screen I notice a fleeting flinch crease my face thinking about last night, but I quickly cover it up with one of my trademark toothy grins. "Not in a bad way necessarily, just not in the way I expected. I used to think this was because there was something wrong with me. That I'm just not desirable or don't have the... skills required for relationships. I like my independence, that much is true and, in the past, men have told me I'm intimidating and that I'm too busy with work and stuff, and so I've just chalked up all the non-starters to us being incompatible and maybe that's actually true, but I also think there's something else at play with me."
I bite on my lip for a second, feeling the fear but knowing, trusting, that I can't be the only one who feels the way I do and forcing myself to find comfort in that."Because the thing is, I want a relationship. I want to experience love and a partnership like so many of my friends and family have, but I don't knowhowto do that, if that makes sense. I don't know who I want that with. As in, I don't know if I want it to be with a man or... or a woman. I don't know if I could ever live with someone, like all the time. And I definitely don't think I ever want to get married. And I don't..." I pause and don’t even try to stop the sigh that leaves my mouth. "There's so much I don't know. Like, really and truly don't know. And that not knowing makes me feel weird and confused and lonely. And frankly, I don't think it should. I don't think I should feel broken for not knowing what I want, but knowing I wantsomethingall the same."
I find myself laughing and looking away from the camera. There's relief in my laughter, and a strange rush of warmth floods my body, like a reassuring wave of love. I don't know where it's coming from but I'm sure as hell going to soak it up because I need it to say what I really came online to say. "I guess, what I'm saying is, I'm pretty sure that I'm… I’m queer. I don't know any more than that, and there's probably a better more specific label out there than that, but honestly, queer feels right to me, right now. And in this moment, not knowing what exactly that means also feels okay. It may not feel okay tomorrow, and I'm sort of dreading that, but it feels nice to feel okay about it today, even if it is the champagne." I sigh again, suddenly tired but not in that drained, desperate way, more in that content, fulfilled way. "I’m going to go now, and I’ll probably switch my phone off. While I appreciate all the love and hearts I'm already seeing, I’m not going to look at your comments because I don't really need advice or comfort, and I’m not looking for validation, I think. I just wanted to share. And I’m not alone." I look at the closed bedroom door. "I have people I can talk to, people who love and support me, but I do want anybody out there to know that if they also feel like they might be queer and if that feels lonely, isolating, you're not alone either. I'm here and I'm queer and uncertain and unsure with you." I nod at the camera and this time my smile is genuine and true. "Okay, that's it. That's what I wanted to say. I love you all. Thank you for being here and thank you for maybe also being queer with me."
After I stop the Live and switch my phone off, I lay back on the bed. The hand holding my phone falls to my stomach and I feel the deep dips it makes as I take some big breaths.I can’t believe I just did that.Quickly switching my phone off, I toss it away from me so I can’t be tempted to check my DMs or see if anyone is sharing screenshots with commentary of the Live on any social media. I know it will get picked up eventually but for now, I just want to process what happened.
Wait, no. I don’t want to do that. I want to go downstairs and have a conversation with my family. I want to tell them that I’m queer and that I’m scared and that I hope they’ll support me as I figure this out. Then I’m going to call my best friend and tell her the same thing, and I know among the many things she will say, she will promise to stay by my side as I navigate whatever comes next.
After I stand, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror on the wall above the chest of drawers, the one I did my make-up in this morning. My reflection is a surprise to me. I’m glowy-eyed, rosy-cheeked and my make-up has smudged a little under both eyes, but I look happy. No, more than that, possibly better than that, I look content. I look exactly how I’m supposed to feel on Christmas Day; I look merry and bright. And I look loved.
"Merry Christmas, Maeve," I say to my reflection and I smile. I don’t feel weird for talking to myself. If anything, I feel like it’s the beginning of a long and overdue conversation.
"And a happy new queer," I add and then wink at myself before a chuckle bubbles up out of my mouth. A chuckle that is promptly followed by a hiccup that very much tastes like champagne and turkey, which only makes me laugh more.
Still, giggling to myself, I wheel my suitcase out of the room and go find the people I love most in the world. Because for all that I don’t know, I know that they love me too, and that’s all I need right now.
